A lot of us say that being a third party is bad, but I really beg to differ.
&I talked to someone, probably near but can't relate to, about the new love. Her new third-party love. Weird as it seems, it doesn't seem wrong. Part of me say this isn't wrong, because what we perceive True Love to be is constantly changing through experiences and interactions with others. Break-ups means that one have realised that their definition of True Love is wrong and that it have changed.
Loving is a process like growing up, it progresses. We grow up understanding more and being more arouse with surroundings. From young, we only knew Love is for the Love for basic necessity of growing up, like milk and probably the pacifier. Then we grew older by learning Love is the care and concern that parents give their child unconditionally. As we grow older, Love becomes more cliche and takes the form of simply almost anything - from holding hands to kissing to sexual.
I don't know what goes further than here, and I've yet to experience it myself. Love is just something that people sacrifice their blood and sweat to hunt for it. But in the first place, is it huntable, or has it always been there and that you just made it lost its meaning.
What does Love mean to you? Just companion or something unexplainable? Even being in a love-triangle, doesn't mean it's wrong to love. It's probably just wrong timing.
Monday, January 25, 2010
but there you are.
here i am, remembering about us again. i don’t know why all this is coming back now. i’ve dealt with it in virtually every aspect of my life, because the similarities seem to come up in some way or another. and you know what? i haven’t let myself fall for anyone again. no one has made me feel the way you could make me feel, and i wonder if anyone ever will.
all i know right now is that i’ve grown up a lot since then. and it makes me smile every time i think about it. i guess because i don’t like to admit to myself that all that drama and all that attention back then, i loved it. i loved it at first when i wasn’t worried of the possibilities that came later. i loved the way you made me feel. i loved how you could always make me laugh, and how many times you’d catch my eye in the middle of that laughter, and for a moment i believed that things could be different.
deep down though, i guess i always knew they never would be.
that was the problem-- you were way out of my league, and i knew that. it made it so frustrating, so ironic, that i couldn’t help myself from having such a hopeless crush. but it was because you were different. you were one of the few guys i always had respect for, you were the one who i laughed with and looked forward to seeing every day. i don’t know if you knew it or not. everyone else sure did. but you gave me a chance, and i let down my guard. i tricked myself into having hope, when i so clearly shouldn’t have had any. and from there, i suddenly freaked out. i suddenly realized how much it was screwing me up, and i couldn’t do a thing about it.
for the past two years, i’ve been trying to let it go. trying to move on with my life, avoiding any brush i might have with the past, avoiding any encounter i think i might have that would change the way things were. they were over. and i wanted myself to believe that.
but the thing is, it’s not over. i guess i’m just now realizing that it’s never going to be over. maybe i should have dealt with it better than i did. but i couldn't, and when i left, things were a mess. they still are. i thought it would go away; i thought i would forget you and everything we once were.
but i haven’t. i’ve wished so many times that i could forget, but there you are-- constantly on my mind, it seems, because tiny little things always trigger my memory. i try to push it away, instead of dealing with it. that’s what i do with anything that makes me uncomfortable. i suppose i should be learning how to understand my own emotions. i certainly have enough of them, and that’s hardly your fault. hell, i don’t even know why i’m writing this. it’s not like you’ll ever know what i think. i am a distant memory to you, if anything. i see you and i can tell what you're feeling. i know things will never be the same between us. you love her, and she's all that matters to you. she's all that will ever matter to you no matter what i do and no matter what i say. and even though every time i see you is a turning point in my life, it will hardly matter to yours.
i guess i should get used to that.
all i know right now is that i’ve grown up a lot since then. and it makes me smile every time i think about it. i guess because i don’t like to admit to myself that all that drama and all that attention back then, i loved it. i loved it at first when i wasn’t worried of the possibilities that came later. i loved the way you made me feel. i loved how you could always make me laugh, and how many times you’d catch my eye in the middle of that laughter, and for a moment i believed that things could be different.
deep down though, i guess i always knew they never would be.
that was the problem-- you were way out of my league, and i knew that. it made it so frustrating, so ironic, that i couldn’t help myself from having such a hopeless crush. but it was because you were different. you were one of the few guys i always had respect for, you were the one who i laughed with and looked forward to seeing every day. i don’t know if you knew it or not. everyone else sure did. but you gave me a chance, and i let down my guard. i tricked myself into having hope, when i so clearly shouldn’t have had any. and from there, i suddenly freaked out. i suddenly realized how much it was screwing me up, and i couldn’t do a thing about it.
for the past two years, i’ve been trying to let it go. trying to move on with my life, avoiding any brush i might have with the past, avoiding any encounter i think i might have that would change the way things were. they were over. and i wanted myself to believe that.
but the thing is, it’s not over. i guess i’m just now realizing that it’s never going to be over. maybe i should have dealt with it better than i did. but i couldn't, and when i left, things were a mess. they still are. i thought it would go away; i thought i would forget you and everything we once were.
but i haven’t. i’ve wished so many times that i could forget, but there you are-- constantly on my mind, it seems, because tiny little things always trigger my memory. i try to push it away, instead of dealing with it. that’s what i do with anything that makes me uncomfortable. i suppose i should be learning how to understand my own emotions. i certainly have enough of them, and that’s hardly your fault. hell, i don’t even know why i’m writing this. it’s not like you’ll ever know what i think. i am a distant memory to you, if anything. i see you and i can tell what you're feeling. i know things will never be the same between us. you love her, and she's all that matters to you. she's all that will ever matter to you no matter what i do and no matter what i say. and even though every time i see you is a turning point in my life, it will hardly matter to yours.
i guess i should get used to that.
it's easy
Sometimes I feel like im 10 again. When my skin fit. When eyes fell softly on me. When my wingspan held the weight of me. When fingerprints grazed but never sat on me. My neck and waist were free of them. When empty was good. Only room to be filled. Nothing to be stolen. Taken. Consumed. This pen of many more pounds just weeks ago. And now, ink and words are pulled out of it. Promise spilling out of it. Every night I wake in between a chain of dreams. I gasp. Or frown. Or sweetly hum. Either way, finding the ground. Grounding myself to the reality I will eventually wake again to. Dream. Wake. Dream. Dream. Wake. And somewhere in between them, you slipped under the sheets. One leg at a time. Half dream. Half reality. A bridge between my two worlds. Hands and feet of butter. A thumb pressed hard and slow down me…along where my hair meets my face. Melts me back to sleep. Finding me with each toss. Finding a fit with each turn. Pull the wall back. Let the light in. I want to see you. A hot breath lays thick on your neck. A sweat climbs to the surface of your back. Sticky and sweet. A heat buried in me….alive again. Awake again. Steam seeps out of me. Wraps us. This night gave me back five years. I saw you once when I was a young girl. When I watched my father’s veins swell. And I watched my mother’s chest sink. And my eyes shut just long enough for me to see you. I saw your hands, but not your face. I saw how you would feel, but not how you would look. Between their yells I heard you whisper something that made sense. Your hands, your voice, gave me back six years. The only settling we can speak of now is the way the sea has settled beneath me. The way the tips crashed and spun and now sleep calmly on their sea floor.
waiting for so long
through some twist of fate we found each other. actually, you found me. you, l'étranger, settling in another city, another country. i was supposed to help, i guess that didn't pan out quite as expected...
so we met and we laughed and we shared wine and stories. and i came home with a smile and a promise we'd see each other again. soon. and we met again. and again. and we marveled at how much two lives could resemble one another with so much land between them.
let's be candid. you were good for my ego. but of course you were never supposed to be more than that. if anything were to happen between us it had an expiration date, because at the end of the year you're obviously going back home. so i was definitely not going to get entangled, not going to let myself fall in love with you. that was the plan.
and then you held me. and you kissed me. still i thought i could resist. but every time you kissed me, every time you touched me i cleared out a little more room for you in my life. and for the butterflies in my stomach.
so this was me, not caring if we publicly displayed our affection or who saw it, because it was just not that big of a deal. act, don't think, do not feel!
then the rain came. it reminded you of what you had lived before me. of what you had been through. and suddenly i stopped being your guide and became the person you didn't really know and couldn't bring yourself to trust. somehow i became l'étrangère, the stranger.
and now i'm stuck here. between giving you space to resolve your life and having given you space in my life. and i'm sorry to say, that while i had started to stray from the plan, despite having told you how patient i can be, i just don't know that i can wait for you to be ready. i can't not know if you'll be ready before we run out of time. i have been left waiting for too long.
so could you please, please hurry up?
so we met and we laughed and we shared wine and stories. and i came home with a smile and a promise we'd see each other again. soon. and we met again. and again. and we marveled at how much two lives could resemble one another with so much land between them.
let's be candid. you were good for my ego. but of course you were never supposed to be more than that. if anything were to happen between us it had an expiration date, because at the end of the year you're obviously going back home. so i was definitely not going to get entangled, not going to let myself fall in love with you. that was the plan.
and then you held me. and you kissed me. still i thought i could resist. but every time you kissed me, every time you touched me i cleared out a little more room for you in my life. and for the butterflies in my stomach.
so this was me, not caring if we publicly displayed our affection or who saw it, because it was just not that big of a deal. act, don't think, do not feel!
then the rain came. it reminded you of what you had lived before me. of what you had been through. and suddenly i stopped being your guide and became the person you didn't really know and couldn't bring yourself to trust. somehow i became l'étrangère, the stranger.
and now i'm stuck here. between giving you space to resolve your life and having given you space in my life. and i'm sorry to say, that while i had started to stray from the plan, despite having told you how patient i can be, i just don't know that i can wait for you to be ready. i can't not know if you'll be ready before we run out of time. i have been left waiting for too long.
so could you please, please hurry up?
This quote will change you like it changed me
"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly,
and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story...
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrending the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune,
but do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labours and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life -
keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world."
-Max Ehrmann
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly,
and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story...
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrending the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune,
but do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labours and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life -
keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world."
-Max Ehrmann
Pills
"Just because a woman is lovesick doesn't mean she has to take the first pill that comes along"
I have been lovesick for years now, broken by seemingly infallible relationships and bruised by heartbreak. I wasn't looking for pills; in fact, I was avoiding them at all costs. The last thing I needed was a shiny new pill with side effects overriding the benefits that always seemed so dear to me. But I fell upon a pill so intoxicating I couldn't resist. This pill was fascinating, beautiful, the only pill in the world that seemed to be able to make me feel alive, beautiful, and full of hope. This pill was a dreamer, with no doubt about any hardships he couldn't overcome. This pill was an old soul, trapped in a young, beautiful body. This pill had spirit, and interests in things I have always just passed by as common occurrences in everyday life. I didn't want this pill, It was merely to pass the time by in my days of loneliness. This pill dragged me out of the darkness, and into a world of new beginnings, of hope when I thought happiness was impossible. And then this pill moved. Hours and hours away while I was locked down under the fact of my innocence, of my dependence, of my youth living in a household that had a grasp so tight on me I could hardly breathe. This pill moved to a city full of life, where it could thrive and learn at the art school of this pill's dreams. A city of promise and new experiences, while my broken heart was trapped in a suburban town known to promote set-in-stone beliefs and pretty houses and fancy cars. A town promoting one type of people, when all I wanted to do was be with my drug, the drug that listens to the music of the twenties, that has a soul of the fifties, and the unique insight I'm not sure an era has yet seen. This pill inspires me to be my own person, to think deeply about what is important to me, to question my ignorant ways of the past. And soon I will be living in the beautiful city with this pill, flourishing in this town embracing uniqueness, loving the diversity of it, and having hope for those who are too blind to see past the materialism I had been so caught up in. I will soon be able to have my fix, while following my own dreams I didn't quite know I had before my drug drew them out from deep within my soul. My pill is a boy. A boy that showed me I can love again, and not only I can love again, but I can love without limits. Because the miles between us don't matter as long as we both know that my sickness has subsided.
I have been lovesick for years now, broken by seemingly infallible relationships and bruised by heartbreak. I wasn't looking for pills; in fact, I was avoiding them at all costs. The last thing I needed was a shiny new pill with side effects overriding the benefits that always seemed so dear to me. But I fell upon a pill so intoxicating I couldn't resist. This pill was fascinating, beautiful, the only pill in the world that seemed to be able to make me feel alive, beautiful, and full of hope. This pill was a dreamer, with no doubt about any hardships he couldn't overcome. This pill was an old soul, trapped in a young, beautiful body. This pill had spirit, and interests in things I have always just passed by as common occurrences in everyday life. I didn't want this pill, It was merely to pass the time by in my days of loneliness. This pill dragged me out of the darkness, and into a world of new beginnings, of hope when I thought happiness was impossible. And then this pill moved. Hours and hours away while I was locked down under the fact of my innocence, of my dependence, of my youth living in a household that had a grasp so tight on me I could hardly breathe. This pill moved to a city full of life, where it could thrive and learn at the art school of this pill's dreams. A city of promise and new experiences, while my broken heart was trapped in a suburban town known to promote set-in-stone beliefs and pretty houses and fancy cars. A town promoting one type of people, when all I wanted to do was be with my drug, the drug that listens to the music of the twenties, that has a soul of the fifties, and the unique insight I'm not sure an era has yet seen. This pill inspires me to be my own person, to think deeply about what is important to me, to question my ignorant ways of the past. And soon I will be living in the beautiful city with this pill, flourishing in this town embracing uniqueness, loving the diversity of it, and having hope for those who are too blind to see past the materialism I had been so caught up in. I will soon be able to have my fix, while following my own dreams I didn't quite know I had before my drug drew them out from deep within my soul. My pill is a boy. A boy that showed me I can love again, and not only I can love again, but I can love without limits. Because the miles between us don't matter as long as we both know that my sickness has subsided.
I cant
i can't. i can't i can't i can't.
i can't do this anymore. its going to kill me. i just can't. i need to move on.
but.
i can't stop loving him. i can't and i need to because its the worst thing ever.
i can't because thinking of everything that happened literally makes me sick to my stomach.
i can't because he's the only one i ever think about.
he's the one i don't want to think about, but i cannot stop.
i can't because i never got to kiss him, i never felt his breath between my lips.
i can't because i spend my days fantasizing about him surprising me,
showing up on my doorstep, telling me he made a mistake.
i can't because i see her everyday.
i see her and i think of what they used to have and i agonize over whether he chose her.
i can't because i don't even know if he chose her.
i don't even know because he is so confusing and frustrating
and he makes everything so unclear.
i can't because he might still have feelings for me.
there is that sliver of a chance and while i know its probably not true,
it makes it impossible to let go.
i can't because i think about being in his arms every second.
the hairs of his beard brushing my cheek gently.
the feeling of his warmth beneath my fingers.
i can't because the way our fingers intertwined was perfect.
it felt warm and soft and right.
i can't because he understood me.
he just got me, right from the start.
and i don't find that often. not often at all.
i can't because we would be perfect together.
i know we would. and it's too hard for me to give up on that.
i can't because EVERYTHING makes me think of him.
crayons. tattoos. band tees. school buses. nose rings.
and every time i see them im completely overwhelmed.
i can't because i practically start crying in the middle of the gym when a song comes on that makes me think of him. which is a lot of songs.
i can't because i've tried and it doesn't work. i want to stop so much.
its just not going to happen.
i can't because i don't see other guys. i don't even see them as being guys.
its like they don't exist to me now.
i can;t because i imagined our insane, amazing, beautiful future and it's all i want.
i thought it was really going to happen and now the pain is eating me up.
i can't because i want him more than i've ever wanted anything in my life.
i can't breathe. i can't focus. i can't be without him. i can't go the rest of my life wondering what it would have been like.
i can't do this anymore. its going to kill me. i just can't. i need to move on.
but.
i can't stop loving him. i can't and i need to because its the worst thing ever.
i can't because thinking of everything that happened literally makes me sick to my stomach.
i can't because he's the only one i ever think about.
he's the one i don't want to think about, but i cannot stop.
i can't because i never got to kiss him, i never felt his breath between my lips.
i can't because i spend my days fantasizing about him surprising me,
showing up on my doorstep, telling me he made a mistake.
i can't because i see her everyday.
i see her and i think of what they used to have and i agonize over whether he chose her.
i can't because i don't even know if he chose her.
i don't even know because he is so confusing and frustrating
and he makes everything so unclear.
i can't because he might still have feelings for me.
there is that sliver of a chance and while i know its probably not true,
it makes it impossible to let go.
i can't because i think about being in his arms every second.
the hairs of his beard brushing my cheek gently.
the feeling of his warmth beneath my fingers.
i can't because the way our fingers intertwined was perfect.
it felt warm and soft and right.
i can't because he understood me.
he just got me, right from the start.
and i don't find that often. not often at all.
i can't because we would be perfect together.
i know we would. and it's too hard for me to give up on that.
i can't because EVERYTHING makes me think of him.
crayons. tattoos. band tees. school buses. nose rings.
and every time i see them im completely overwhelmed.
i can't because i practically start crying in the middle of the gym when a song comes on that makes me think of him. which is a lot of songs.
i can't because i've tried and it doesn't work. i want to stop so much.
its just not going to happen.
i can't because i don't see other guys. i don't even see them as being guys.
its like they don't exist to me now.
i can;t because i imagined our insane, amazing, beautiful future and it's all i want.
i thought it was really going to happen and now the pain is eating me up.
i can't because i want him more than i've ever wanted anything in my life.
i can't breathe. i can't focus. i can't be without him. i can't go the rest of my life wondering what it would have been like.
Never tasted Love
I have never tasted love.
I have never been blessed with the true feeling of love. I've always felt like an outcast in that way. Placed beside the world of loving individuals. Like it's not meant for me. You see, I'm a dreamer. And in my dreams I'm head over hills in love and it's mutual. Unfortunately, this makes me an observer. I observe everything and everyone around me, and the importance of my own actions fails. It's like I'm trapped inside my brain and completely unable to... do life. I think I'm in love with the thought of being in love, how cliché it may sound. And I don't want to wait forever. Maybe I'm just gonna have to accept it. Maybe there is this insignificant number of all the billion people on earth, who just aren't supposed to fall in love...
I have never been blessed with the true feeling of love. I've always felt like an outcast in that way. Placed beside the world of loving individuals. Like it's not meant for me. You see, I'm a dreamer. And in my dreams I'm head over hills in love and it's mutual. Unfortunately, this makes me an observer. I observe everything and everyone around me, and the importance of my own actions fails. It's like I'm trapped inside my brain and completely unable to... do life. I think I'm in love with the thought of being in love, how cliché it may sound. And I don't want to wait forever. Maybe I'm just gonna have to accept it. Maybe there is this insignificant number of all the billion people on earth, who just aren't supposed to fall in love...
I dream of you somtimes
I dream of you sometimes
Yearning for your image to exist outside my mind
Hoping that it will only be a matter of time
Before we meet and allow our eyes to speak
Knowing more then what our eyes can see
Patiently waiting to begin our destiny
This is where my soul will lead
Letting go of the thoughts of your physique
So that I can see through
Wanting to explore
Deep into the truth
Knowing that you are because he already knew
That I was the rib to fit inside of you
No other will ever do
See we never had to choose
He never asked us to
He just wanted us to trust and believe
That I'm for you and you're for me
I'm just waiting for this to be
A sudden sigh
As I drift off to sleep
Dwelling in my unconscious mind
I dream of you sometimes…
Yearning for your image to exist outside my mind
Hoping that it will only be a matter of time
Before we meet and allow our eyes to speak
Knowing more then what our eyes can see
Patiently waiting to begin our destiny
This is where my soul will lead
Letting go of the thoughts of your physique
So that I can see through
Wanting to explore
Deep into the truth
Knowing that you are because he already knew
That I was the rib to fit inside of you
No other will ever do
See we never had to choose
He never asked us to
He just wanted us to trust and believe
That I'm for you and you're for me
I'm just waiting for this to be
A sudden sigh
As I drift off to sleep
Dwelling in my unconscious mind
I dream of you sometimes…
Soulmates?
Do you believe in what people call ‘soulmates’? I, for one, do not. I’ve been told my way of looking at love is cynical but I don’t think so. I believe that a person call fall in love with anyone, given the timing is right. People fall in and out of your life, I don’t believe in destiny, things happen for no reason and you are left to try to control it - although you know you can’t. I only try to convince myself things are meant to be when something negative happens. But in the end, I don’t think it works like that.
My friends are not my friends because they are better than other people - I’ve learned to love them by being around them and getting to know them. If I spent time with most people, granted they weren’t extremely rude and had no interest in me, I could probably love them just as much as I love my friends now.
But somethings I find harder to explain, like the way you can meet people who just feel right for you. But then again, this might also be coincidence - and timing. But it is all so very shallow. I wish I could look at people and oversee their physical appearance. But of course that’s not possible. But if it was, I really wonder what I’d see.
But do not mistake me, if there is something I believe in it is love.
My friends are not my friends because they are better than other people - I’ve learned to love them by being around them and getting to know them. If I spent time with most people, granted they weren’t extremely rude and had no interest in me, I could probably love them just as much as I love my friends now.
But somethings I find harder to explain, like the way you can meet people who just feel right for you. But then again, this might also be coincidence - and timing. But it is all so very shallow. I wish I could look at people and oversee their physical appearance. But of course that’s not possible. But if it was, I really wonder what I’d see.
But do not mistake me, if there is something I believe in it is love.
decade gone and past
With a new year beginning, I tend to overthink just about everything, (yes, even more than usual).
Not only is it a new year, it's also a new month, and not only that, but it's a new decade.
With life changing as fast as it is, and time going by as quickly as it does, I started thinking to myself tonight, what do I wish I had done differently, what do I regret, and what do I wish I would have known five years ago?
Lots of silly little things popped into my head.
I wish I hadn't taken life so seriously.
I wish I would have gone to more concerts.
I wish I would have been easier on my parents.
I wish I would have gotten better grades.
And as I was thinking about all these little things I wish I had done differently, I thought to myself, If I could really, really go back five years ago to the girl I was, and really, really give her advice, I wouldn't have told that girl any of those things.
I would have looked at myself, that girl five years ago, and said, Stop thinking, stop questioning, and don't worry about a thing.
Because if I hadn't taken life so seriously, if I had gone to more concerts, if I had been easier on my parents and heaven forbid if I had gotten better grades, I might not be here, exactly where I am today.
And like Max Ehrmann said, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should, contrary to what we may think at times.
And I guess life is just beautiful like that.
Every decision we make, whether it be insignificant or monumental, happens for a reason, and that my dear friends is a very beautiful concept.
I don't believe in fate some days, but today I do, and the thought that my path has been predestined for me brings comort and peace to my soul.
I apologize for my jumbled up thoughts, but oh blogger, you always do seem to understand my mixed up head.
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
Life; I think I'm in love with you.
So terribly in love with you.
Not only is it a new year, it's also a new month, and not only that, but it's a new decade.
With life changing as fast as it is, and time going by as quickly as it does, I started thinking to myself tonight, what do I wish I had done differently, what do I regret, and what do I wish I would have known five years ago?
Lots of silly little things popped into my head.
I wish I hadn't taken life so seriously.
I wish I would have gone to more concerts.
I wish I would have been easier on my parents.
I wish I would have gotten better grades.
And as I was thinking about all these little things I wish I had done differently, I thought to myself, If I could really, really go back five years ago to the girl I was, and really, really give her advice, I wouldn't have told that girl any of those things.
I would have looked at myself, that girl five years ago, and said, Stop thinking, stop questioning, and don't worry about a thing.
Because if I hadn't taken life so seriously, if I had gone to more concerts, if I had been easier on my parents and heaven forbid if I had gotten better grades, I might not be here, exactly where I am today.
And like Max Ehrmann said, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should, contrary to what we may think at times.
And I guess life is just beautiful like that.
Every decision we make, whether it be insignificant or monumental, happens for a reason, and that my dear friends is a very beautiful concept.
I don't believe in fate some days, but today I do, and the thought that my path has been predestined for me brings comort and peace to my soul.
I apologize for my jumbled up thoughts, but oh blogger, you always do seem to understand my mixed up head.
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
Life; I think I'm in love with you.
So terribly in love with you.
apology
I think I may have lost that one person.That you want to hate but you can't because despite all the pain you love them so much. Hate is not an option. I still love you I fear I always will. I know it is mostly my fault for resisting you and putting up a barrier. Something I created out of knowing that you could break my heart in a moment. I think I may have lost you. And I just want you to know I am sorry.I just wish you could see how much I love you. And I hate myself for not showing it to you more. And now I have learned too late that barriers don't protect me they just hurt you. And that breaks my heart more then anything. I loved you right away because you saw through me and did not care how hard I made it. You were kind and generous. I love you with all my heart and I hope you can somehow forgive me for pushing you away. You made me delicate and I wake up crying thinking of how far you are. I am sorry for playing hard to get after the games were over. I love you with all my heart.
Dear YOU
Dear you.
I have known you for almost 5 years now. And for 3 of them I have been in love with you. I love how you always can make me smile, or cheer me up when I’m sad or down, or how you can make a joke only I will understand. I love how you’ll tell me secrets that no one is supposed to know, or how you can tell a story from your day and somewhat make me feel like I was there.
I wish I could tell you how you make me feel. That every time someone says your name, even if they talk about another person, there is a thump in my stomach. Or that when you call me, or we talk on the phone, and you beg me not to hang up, my heart speeds up and I smile. Or that when you hold my hand in the dark, tired as you were, I never wanted to let go. Or that when you tell me, how happy you are that you have me, and how kind I always am, I want to tell you how I feel. I really wish I could tell you.
I want you to know that I often look for you at school. You might not notice, but sometimes I do. I try to talk to you when I see you, or at least show you that I’m there and want your attention. I really just want to talk to you more, like we used to. A few years ago I think you might have been my best friend. I still want that. I want to be able to watch movies like we did. Scary ones, so I could sit closer to you, or sometimes even hold your hand. And you were holding mine.
I wish I could tell you all this, and that you would feel the same, but I think I’ll never be able to. I’m too scared to loose you, to lose the friendship we have. But maybe some day I’ll be able to risk it. Just to have a chance of being with you. Maybe one day I finally will. Or you will.
I wish I could be only yours,
I have known you for almost 5 years now. And for 3 of them I have been in love with you. I love how you always can make me smile, or cheer me up when I’m sad or down, or how you can make a joke only I will understand. I love how you’ll tell me secrets that no one is supposed to know, or how you can tell a story from your day and somewhat make me feel like I was there.
I wish I could tell you how you make me feel. That every time someone says your name, even if they talk about another person, there is a thump in my stomach. Or that when you call me, or we talk on the phone, and you beg me not to hang up, my heart speeds up and I smile. Or that when you hold my hand in the dark, tired as you were, I never wanted to let go. Or that when you tell me, how happy you are that you have me, and how kind I always am, I want to tell you how I feel. I really wish I could tell you.
I want you to know that I often look for you at school. You might not notice, but sometimes I do. I try to talk to you when I see you, or at least show you that I’m there and want your attention. I really just want to talk to you more, like we used to. A few years ago I think you might have been my best friend. I still want that. I want to be able to watch movies like we did. Scary ones, so I could sit closer to you, or sometimes even hold your hand. And you were holding mine.
I wish I could tell you all this, and that you would feel the same, but I think I’ll never be able to. I’m too scared to loose you, to lose the friendship we have. But maybe some day I’ll be able to risk it. Just to have a chance of being with you. Maybe one day I finally will. Or you will.
I wish I could be only yours,
living life without me
Do you remember my shaking hands and my weak knees
That first night that you ever kissed me
Do you remember my beating heart when you took my hand
I didn't know how to fall in love - how I hoped you would understand
Do you remember those summer nights underneath the stars
Do you remember those pretty drives we took in your car
Do you remember the look in my eye when I finally knew
Do you remember the very first time I knew I was in love with you
What happened to the magic please tell me where did it go
What happened to everything we knew please tell me everything you know
I think I'll travel back in time back to where we use to be
Because I remember the first time you said you were in love with me
Do you remember everything that you use to feel
I know you knew that what we had was real
Do you remember the times when the world was right
Do you remember those perfect days
Do you remember those perfect nights
Give me one good explanation
Give me one good reason to go
Tell me why I should turn around
Tell me what I need to know
When you say you are just my friend
Do you really mean this is the end
Is this how you wanted it to be
Living life without me
That first night that you ever kissed me
Do you remember my beating heart when you took my hand
I didn't know how to fall in love - how I hoped you would understand
Do you remember those summer nights underneath the stars
Do you remember those pretty drives we took in your car
Do you remember the look in my eye when I finally knew
Do you remember the very first time I knew I was in love with you
What happened to the magic please tell me where did it go
What happened to everything we knew please tell me everything you know
I think I'll travel back in time back to where we use to be
Because I remember the first time you said you were in love with me
Do you remember everything that you use to feel
I know you knew that what we had was real
Do you remember the times when the world was right
Do you remember those perfect days
Do you remember those perfect nights
Give me one good explanation
Give me one good reason to go
Tell me why I should turn around
Tell me what I need to know
When you say you are just my friend
Do you really mean this is the end
Is this how you wanted it to be
Living life without me
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