here i am, remembering about us again. i don’t know why all this is coming back now. i’ve dealt with it in virtually every aspect of my life, because the similarities seem to come up in some way or another. and you know what? i haven’t let myself fall for anyone again. no one has made me feel the way you could make me feel, and i wonder if anyone ever will.
all i know right now is that i’ve grown up a lot since then. and it makes me smile every time i think about it. i guess because i don’t like to admit to myself that all that drama and all that attention back then, i loved it. i loved it at first when i wasn’t worried of the possibilities that came later. i loved the way you made me feel. i loved how you could always make me laugh, and how many times you’d catch my eye in the middle of that laughter, and for a moment i believed that things could be different.
deep down though, i guess i always knew they never would be.
that was the problem-- you were way out of my league, and i knew that. it made it so frustrating, so ironic, that i couldn’t help myself from having such a hopeless crush. but it was because you were different. you were one of the few guys i always had respect for, you were the one who i laughed with and looked forward to seeing every day. i don’t know if you knew it or not. everyone else sure did. but you gave me a chance, and i let down my guard. i tricked myself into having hope, when i so clearly shouldn’t have had any. and from there, i suddenly freaked out. i suddenly realized how much it was screwing me up, and i couldn’t do a thing about it.
for the past two years, i’ve been trying to let it go. trying to move on with my life, avoiding any brush i might have with the past, avoiding any encounter i think i might have that would change the way things were. they were over. and i wanted myself to believe that.
but the thing is, it’s not over. i guess i’m just now realizing that it’s never going to be over. maybe i should have dealt with it better than i did. but i couldn't, and when i left, things were a mess. they still are. i thought it would go away; i thought i would forget you and everything we once were.
but i haven’t. i’ve wished so many times that i could forget, but there you are-- constantly on my mind, it seems, because tiny little things always trigger my memory. i try to push it away, instead of dealing with it. that’s what i do with anything that makes me uncomfortable. i suppose i should be learning how to understand my own emotions. i certainly have enough of them, and that’s hardly your fault. hell, i don’t even know why i’m writing this. it’s not like you’ll ever know what i think. i am a distant memory to you, if anything. i see you and i can tell what you're feeling. i know things will never be the same between us. you love her, and she's all that matters to you. she's all that will ever matter to you no matter what i do and no matter what i say. and even though every time i see you is a turning point in my life, it will hardly matter to yours.
i guess i should get used to that.
Monday, December 21, 2009
i cant
i can't. i can't i can't i can't.
i can't do this anymore. its going to kill me. i just can't. i need to move on.
but.
i can't stop loving him. i can't and i need to because its the worst thing ever.
i can't because thinking of everything that happened literally makes me sick to my stomach.
i can't because he's the only one i ever think about.
he's the one i don't want to think about, but i cannot stop.
i can't because i never got to kiss him, i never felt his breath between my lips.
i can't because i spend my days fantasizing about him surprising me,
showing up on my doorstep, telling me he made a mistake.
i can't because i see her everyday.
i see her and i think of what they used to have and i agonize over whether he chose her.
i can't because i don't even know if he chose her.
i don't even know because he is so confusing and frustrating
and he makes everything so unclear.
i can't because he might still have feelings for me.
there is that sliver of a chance and while i know its probably not true,
it makes it impossible to let go.
i can't because i think about being in his arms every second.
the hairs of his beard brushing my cheek gently.
the feeling of his warmth beneath my fingers.
i can't because the way our fingers intertwined was perfect.
it felt warm and soft and right.
i can't because he understood me.
he just got me, right from the start.
and i don't find that often. not often at all.
i can't because we would be perfect together.
i know we would. and it's too hard for me to give up on that.
i can't because EVERYTHING makes me think of him.
crayons. tattoos. band tees. school buses. nose rings.
and every time i see them im completely overwhelmed.
i can't because i practically start crying in the middle of the gym when a song comes on that makes me think of him. which is a lot of songs.
i can't because i've tried and it doesn't work. i want to stop so much.
its just not going to happen.
i can't because i don't see other guys. i don't even see them as being guys.
its like they don't exist to me now.
i can;t because i imagined our insane, amazing, beautiful future and it's all i want.
i thought it was really going to happen and now the pain is eating me up.
i can't because i want him more than i've ever wanted anything in my life.
i can't breathe. i can't focus. i can't be without him. i can't go the rest of my life wondering what it would have been like.
i just can't.
i can't do this anymore. its going to kill me. i just can't. i need to move on.
but.
i can't stop loving him. i can't and i need to because its the worst thing ever.
i can't because thinking of everything that happened literally makes me sick to my stomach.
i can't because he's the only one i ever think about.
he's the one i don't want to think about, but i cannot stop.
i can't because i never got to kiss him, i never felt his breath between my lips.
i can't because i spend my days fantasizing about him surprising me,
showing up on my doorstep, telling me he made a mistake.
i can't because i see her everyday.
i see her and i think of what they used to have and i agonize over whether he chose her.
i can't because i don't even know if he chose her.
i don't even know because he is so confusing and frustrating
and he makes everything so unclear.
i can't because he might still have feelings for me.
there is that sliver of a chance and while i know its probably not true,
it makes it impossible to let go.
i can't because i think about being in his arms every second.
the hairs of his beard brushing my cheek gently.
the feeling of his warmth beneath my fingers.
i can't because the way our fingers intertwined was perfect.
it felt warm and soft and right.
i can't because he understood me.
he just got me, right from the start.
and i don't find that often. not often at all.
i can't because we would be perfect together.
i know we would. and it's too hard for me to give up on that.
i can't because EVERYTHING makes me think of him.
crayons. tattoos. band tees. school buses. nose rings.
and every time i see them im completely overwhelmed.
i can't because i practically start crying in the middle of the gym when a song comes on that makes me think of him. which is a lot of songs.
i can't because i've tried and it doesn't work. i want to stop so much.
its just not going to happen.
i can't because i don't see other guys. i don't even see them as being guys.
its like they don't exist to me now.
i can;t because i imagined our insane, amazing, beautiful future and it's all i want.
i thought it was really going to happen and now the pain is eating me up.
i can't because i want him more than i've ever wanted anything in my life.
i can't breathe. i can't focus. i can't be without him. i can't go the rest of my life wondering what it would have been like.
i just can't.
the rocket summer
We stand here both proud, both wrong and right.
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight.
And our lives are so intertwined in one...
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone.
And you see it’s hard for me to breathe,
When I get all worked up with these feelings.
And I don’t know exactly how it is...
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist...
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists.
The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate,
While were drowning in rivers from our faces.
A trembling silence fills the air we stand here so impaired, so aware...
Like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this.
And I don’t know exactly how it is,
That just to say I’m right, your wrong, we both lose to win.
So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid,
Maybe we're just being dumb,
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized...
Like a flag in the wind we are one.
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely,
But in battle can be torn to shreds...
But with time and with patience and love and affection,
Can be fixed with needle and thread.
Because I love you and you love me,
And nothing will make this leave.
I said I love you and you love me,
And nothing will make this leave.
So remember me,
And don’t walk away...
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight.
And our lives are so intertwined in one...
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone.
And you see it’s hard for me to breathe,
When I get all worked up with these feelings.
And I don’t know exactly how it is...
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist...
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists.
The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate,
While were drowning in rivers from our faces.
A trembling silence fills the air we stand here so impaired, so aware...
Like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this.
And I don’t know exactly how it is,
That just to say I’m right, your wrong, we both lose to win.
So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid,
Maybe we're just being dumb,
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized...
Like a flag in the wind we are one.
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely,
But in battle can be torn to shreds...
But with time and with patience and love and affection,
Can be fixed with needle and thread.
Because I love you and you love me,
And nothing will make this leave.
I said I love you and you love me,
And nothing will make this leave.
So remember me,
And don’t walk away...
i love you every step of the way
So where do we go from here?
With all this fear in our eyes...
And where can love take us now?
We've been so far down...
We can still touch the sky...
If we crawl, till we can walk again,
And we'll run until we're strong enough to jump,
Then we'll fly until there is no end...
So let's crawl...crawl....crawl...
Back to love.
We can still have it all.
Everybody sees it's you...
Well I never wanna lose that view.
So we'll crawl till we can walk again.
Then we'll run until we're strong enough to jump.
Then we'll fly until there is no end...
So lets crawl...
Back to love ♥
With all this fear in our eyes...
And where can love take us now?
We've been so far down...
We can still touch the sky...
If we crawl, till we can walk again,
And we'll run until we're strong enough to jump,
Then we'll fly until there is no end...
So let's crawl...crawl....crawl...
Back to love.
We can still have it all.
Everybody sees it's you...
Well I never wanna lose that view.
So we'll crawl till we can walk again.
Then we'll run until we're strong enough to jump.
Then we'll fly until there is no end...
So lets crawl...
Back to love ♥
word
"Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be... but didn’t know how to be."
-Heath Buckmaster
"Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing whats next, or how.
The moment you know how, you begin to die a little.
The artist never entirely knows. We guess.
We may be wrong... but we take leap after leap in the dark."
-Agnes De Mille
-Heath Buckmaster
"Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing whats next, or how.
The moment you know how, you begin to die a little.
The artist never entirely knows. We guess.
We may be wrong... but we take leap after leap in the dark."
-Agnes De Mille
life in general
1. We need to learn how to trust and how to keep getting trust back. We need to learn how to be able to trust everyone again.
2. To love a person unconditionally is possible. You need to learn to accept things—and it’s harder to do than to say, definitely, but you need to learn that. There is a difference to being someone’s doormat and maintaining the smallest amount of dignity, but you can love someone continually and care for them the rest of your life—even if they hurt you (sometimes, in the end, insert appropriate situation).
3. There’s a kind of longing that is so much that it physically hurts, and I don’t know if it’s all right to express this longing by words or saying it to the person you miss, but I do know that it exists.
4. Being calm is never easy. You force yourself to slow down, but when you do you realize how different the perspective is.
5. Is the search for enlightenment and peace futile? If we keep actively searching for it, will it keep eluding us? Right now I feel that we should learn to wait for it to come to us, and understand ourselves first before doing anything.
2. To love a person unconditionally is possible. You need to learn to accept things—and it’s harder to do than to say, definitely, but you need to learn that. There is a difference to being someone’s doormat and maintaining the smallest amount of dignity, but you can love someone continually and care for them the rest of your life—even if they hurt you (sometimes, in the end, insert appropriate situation).
3. There’s a kind of longing that is so much that it physically hurts, and I don’t know if it’s all right to express this longing by words or saying it to the person you miss, but I do know that it exists.
4. Being calm is never easy. You force yourself to slow down, but when you do you realize how different the perspective is.
5. Is the search for enlightenment and peace futile? If we keep actively searching for it, will it keep eluding us? Right now I feel that we should learn to wait for it to come to us, and understand ourselves first before doing anything.
heartbreakeryou
But my heart,
it don’t beat,
it don’t beat the way it used to.
And my eyes,
they don’t see you no more.
And my lips,
they don’t kiss,
they don’t kiss the way they used to,
and my eyes don’t recognize you at all
it don’t beat,
it don’t beat the way it used to.
And my eyes,
they don’t see you no more.
And my lips,
they don’t kiss,
they don’t kiss the way they used to,
and my eyes don’t recognize you at all
Saturday, December 12, 2009
If your not the one
If your not the one then why does my soul feel glad today
If your not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my calls
If you you are not mine would i have the strength to stand at all
I dont know what the future brings,
But i know you're here with me now
We'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
I dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
If i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
Is there anyway that i can stay in your arms
If i dont need you then why am i crying on my bed
If i dont need you then why does your name resound in my head
If your not for me then why does this distance name my life
If your not for me then why do i dream of you as my wife
I dont know why your so far away but i know this much is true
We'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
And i wish that you could be the one i die with
And i pray that your the one i build my home with
I hope i love you all my life
I dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
If i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
Is there anyway that i can stay in your arms
Cause i miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And i breathe you into my heart and i pray for the strength to stand today
Cause i love you whether its wrong or right and though i cant be with you tonight
And though my heart is by your side
If your not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my calls
If you you are not mine would i have the strength to stand at all
I dont know what the future brings,
But i know you're here with me now
We'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
I dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
If i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
Is there anyway that i can stay in your arms
If i dont need you then why am i crying on my bed
If i dont need you then why does your name resound in my head
If your not for me then why does this distance name my life
If your not for me then why do i dream of you as my wife
I dont know why your so far away but i know this much is true
We'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
And i wish that you could be the one i die with
And i pray that your the one i build my home with
I hope i love you all my life
I dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
If i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
Is there anyway that i can stay in your arms
Cause i miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And i breathe you into my heart and i pray for the strength to stand today
Cause i love you whether its wrong or right and though i cant be with you tonight
And though my heart is by your side
I havn't met you
"I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.
And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.
And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet".
Michael Buble - Haven't Met You
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.
And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.
And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet".
Michael Buble - Haven't Met You
I havn't met you
"I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.
And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.
And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet".
Michael Buble - Haven't Met You
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.
And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.
And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet".
Michael Buble - Haven't Met You
What I like about you
What I like about you
You hold me tight
Tell me I'm the only one
Wanna come over tonight, yeah...
Keep on whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things I wanna hear
Cuz it's true that's what I like about you
What I like about you
You really know how to dance
When you go up, down jump around
Talk about true romance, yeah...
Keep on whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things I wanna hear
Cuz it's true
That's what I like about you
HEY!"
You hold me tight
Tell me I'm the only one
Wanna come over tonight, yeah...
Keep on whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things I wanna hear
Cuz it's true that's what I like about you
What I like about you
You really know how to dance
When you go up, down jump around
Talk about true romance, yeah...
Keep on whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things I wanna hear
Cuz it's true
That's what I like about you
HEY!"
Am I?
Tell me, friends: Do I have the words loser and reject tattooed in neon on my forehead? I only ask because it seems like I've been a deadlier threat than a foaming-at-the-mouth rabid dog for the last week. In the last week, I've been called strange and too serious by the same guy. And the worst part is that I let this guy get under my skin and I shouldn't.
Honestly, I'm not too sure what exactly it is that I want, but I know for sure that something is missing - something that seems so far away right now and so utterly impossible. The last thing I want is to be that girl who scares away every single guy who crosses her path, but I'm afraid that's exactly what I'm becoming. And gosh, it just terrifies me.
It all comes down to this: I've been feeling this gnawing of self-consciousness creeping in. I've felt unpretty, unloveable and a rejection-worthy mess of late, and a certain guy's words sure didn't help much.
Honestly, I'm not too sure what exactly it is that I want, but I know for sure that something is missing - something that seems so far away right now and so utterly impossible. The last thing I want is to be that girl who scares away every single guy who crosses her path, but I'm afraid that's exactly what I'm becoming. And gosh, it just terrifies me.
It all comes down to this: I've been feeling this gnawing of self-consciousness creeping in. I've felt unpretty, unloveable and a rejection-worthy mess of late, and a certain guy's words sure didn't help much.
Great love
We stand here both proud, both wrong and right.
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight.
And our lives are so intertwined in one...
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone.
And you see it’s hard for me to breathe,
When I get all worked up with these feelings.
And I don’t know exactly how it is...
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist...
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists.
The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate,
While were drowning in rivers from our faces.
A trembling silence fills the air we stand here so impaired, so aware...
Like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this.
And I don’t know exactly how it is,
That just to say I’m right, your wrong, we both lose to win.
So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid,
Maybe we're just being dumb,
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized...
Like a flag in the wind we are one.
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely,
But in battle can be torn to shreds...
But with time and with patience and love and affection,
Can be fixed with needle and thread.
Because I love you and you love me,
And nothing will make this leave.
I said I love you and you love me,
And nothing will make this leave.
So remember me,
And don’t walk away...
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight.
And our lives are so intertwined in one...
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone.
And you see it’s hard for me to breathe,
When I get all worked up with these feelings.
And I don’t know exactly how it is...
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist...
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists.
The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate,
While were drowning in rivers from our faces.
A trembling silence fills the air we stand here so impaired, so aware...
Like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this.
And I don’t know exactly how it is,
That just to say I’m right, your wrong, we both lose to win.
So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid,
Maybe we're just being dumb,
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized...
Like a flag in the wind we are one.
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely,
But in battle can be torn to shreds...
But with time and with patience and love and affection,
Can be fixed with needle and thread.
Because I love you and you love me,
And nothing will make this leave.
I said I love you and you love me,
And nothing will make this leave.
So remember me,
And don’t walk away...
Greatest Fan
The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
And emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive -- not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
And I've dropped out
I've burned up
I've fought my way back from the dead
I've tuned in,
turned on,
remembered the things that you said
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your...
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
The greatest fan of your life....greatest fan of your life.
Stop me and steal my breath
And emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive -- not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
And I've dropped out
I've burned up
I've fought my way back from the dead
I've tuned in,
turned on,
remembered the things that you said
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your...
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
The greatest fan of your life....greatest fan of your life.
& maybe
& maybe we'll always fight,
& maybe I'll always win,
but according to you I'm always wrong.
& maybe we'll give up,
on this little thing.
& maybe the day will come
where we will finally finish.
but maybe,
you'll always give me make up kisses,
and you'll beg for my fogiveness.
but sometimes i'll be stubborn,
and pretend to not listen.
& maybe you'll try your hardest,
and i'll give it my best shot,
and perhaps we'll still lose it,
no matter what.
& maybe we'll end up together,
a bickering old pair.
constantly fighting, and then making up.
& maybe when I look at my life,
and at my future
you will always be there.
no matter what.
& maybe I'll always win,
but according to you I'm always wrong.
& maybe we'll give up,
on this little thing.
& maybe the day will come
where we will finally finish.
but maybe,
you'll always give me make up kisses,
and you'll beg for my fogiveness.
but sometimes i'll be stubborn,
and pretend to not listen.
& maybe you'll try your hardest,
and i'll give it my best shot,
and perhaps we'll still lose it,
no matter what.
& maybe we'll end up together,
a bickering old pair.
constantly fighting, and then making up.
& maybe when I look at my life,
and at my future
you will always be there.
no matter what.
Words by Sylvia
I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want to? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.
~Sylvia Plath~
~Sylvia Plath~
and there you are
here i am, remembering about us again. i don’t know why all this is coming back now. i’ve dealt with it in virtually every aspect of my life, because the similarities seem to come up in some way or another. and you know what? i haven’t let myself fall for anyone again. no one has made me feel the way you could make me feel, and i wonder if anyone ever will.
all i know right now is that i’ve grown up a lot since then. and it makes me smile every time i think about it. i guess because i don’t like to admit to myself that all that drama and all that attention back then, i loved it. i loved it at first when i wasn’t worried of the possibilities that came later. i loved the way you made me feel. i loved how you could always make me laugh, and how many times you’d catch my eye in the middle of that laughter, and for a moment i believed that things could be different.
deep down though, i guess i always knew they never would be.
that was the problem-- you were way out of my league, and i knew that. it made it so frustrating, so ironic, that i couldn’t help myself from having such a hopeless crush. but it was because you were different. you were one of the few guys i always had respect for, you were the one who i laughed with and looked forward to seeing every day. i don’t know if you knew it or not. everyone else sure did. but you gave me a chance, and i let down my guard. i tricked myself into having hope, when i so clearly shouldn’t have had any. and from there, i suddenly freaked out. i suddenly realized how much it was screwing me up, and i couldn’t do a thing about it.
for the past year, i’ve been trying to let it go. trying to move on with my life, avoiding any brush i might have with the past, avoiding any encounter i think i might have that would change the way things were. they were over. and i wanted myself to believe that.
but the thing is, it’s not over. i guess i’m just now realizing that it’s never going to be over. maybe i should have dealt with it better than i did. but i couldn't, and when i left, things were a mess. they still are. i thought it would go away; i thought i would forget you and everything we once were.
but i haven’t. i’ve wished so many times that i could forget, but there you are-- constantly on my mind, it seems, because tiny little things always trigger my memory. i try to push it away, instead of dealing with it. that’s what i do with anything that makes me uncomfortable. i suppose i should be learning how to understand my own emotions. i certainly have enough of them, and that’s hardly your fault. hell, i don’t even know why i’m writing this. it’s not like you’ll ever know what i think. i am a distant memory to you, if anything. i see you and i can tell what you're feeling. i know things will never be the same between us. you love her, and she's all that matters to you. she's all that will ever matter to you no matter what i do and no matter what i say. and even though every time i see you is a turning point in my life, it will hardly matter to yours.
i guess i should get used to that.
all i know right now is that i’ve grown up a lot since then. and it makes me smile every time i think about it. i guess because i don’t like to admit to myself that all that drama and all that attention back then, i loved it. i loved it at first when i wasn’t worried of the possibilities that came later. i loved the way you made me feel. i loved how you could always make me laugh, and how many times you’d catch my eye in the middle of that laughter, and for a moment i believed that things could be different.
deep down though, i guess i always knew they never would be.
that was the problem-- you were way out of my league, and i knew that. it made it so frustrating, so ironic, that i couldn’t help myself from having such a hopeless crush. but it was because you were different. you were one of the few guys i always had respect for, you were the one who i laughed with and looked forward to seeing every day. i don’t know if you knew it or not. everyone else sure did. but you gave me a chance, and i let down my guard. i tricked myself into having hope, when i so clearly shouldn’t have had any. and from there, i suddenly freaked out. i suddenly realized how much it was screwing me up, and i couldn’t do a thing about it.
for the past year, i’ve been trying to let it go. trying to move on with my life, avoiding any brush i might have with the past, avoiding any encounter i think i might have that would change the way things were. they were over. and i wanted myself to believe that.
but the thing is, it’s not over. i guess i’m just now realizing that it’s never going to be over. maybe i should have dealt with it better than i did. but i couldn't, and when i left, things were a mess. they still are. i thought it would go away; i thought i would forget you and everything we once were.
but i haven’t. i’ve wished so many times that i could forget, but there you are-- constantly on my mind, it seems, because tiny little things always trigger my memory. i try to push it away, instead of dealing with it. that’s what i do with anything that makes me uncomfortable. i suppose i should be learning how to understand my own emotions. i certainly have enough of them, and that’s hardly your fault. hell, i don’t even know why i’m writing this. it’s not like you’ll ever know what i think. i am a distant memory to you, if anything. i see you and i can tell what you're feeling. i know things will never be the same between us. you love her, and she's all that matters to you. she's all that will ever matter to you no matter what i do and no matter what i say. and even though every time i see you is a turning point in my life, it will hardly matter to yours.
i guess i should get used to that.
Summer is
Summer is....Long hot nights outside. Barbecues, salads, ice cold beer. Bronzed salty skin. Curly beach hair. Fresh flowers. Barefeet. No makeup. Strawberry chapstick and coconut sunblock. Iceblocks and ice creams. Vintage sunglasses and pretty floral dresses. Friends and family. Summer love.
Loving that person
The person I am in a relationship with wanted to kill me this year. Yep. True story. Yeah, I would say it’s been a pretty bad year for us.
Obviously, she can kind of be a b*tch. The thing is, because she knows me so intimately, she also knows exactly how to hurt me. Usually by bringing up some sordid detail from my (admittedly) imperfect past. She knows, for example, that I had sex with my best friends boyfriend. Scorns me for drinking too much. Chastises me for losing my temper with my mother. Ridicules me for me for my lack of knowledge on politics and current affairs. She knows every physical flaw on my body and draws attention to this frequently. Particularly before I leave the house on Saturday night.
And, okay... I’m a pretty awkward person. No, I mean really. I do the most ridiculous things. I accidentally ended an email to my University tutor with “xx” (yet still didn’t do well in that subject). I fill silences with questions like “So...do you....have....many people....in...your....family?”. Yep. It probably sounds insignificant, but in these situations she will always laugh at me...not with me (see, I told you. Total b*tch).
I’m making it sound almost comical, but this year she’s destroyed my self-esteem. She’s like Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, only meaner. Because of her, it’s really difficult to let other people close to me. I don’t feel worthy. And in some ways her criticisms have become self-fulfilling prophecies. She has told me I’m un-lovable enough that I’m starting to act that way.
The thing is, I can’t break up with this person. I know with full certainty that I will be with this person ‘till the very end. Because this person is me.
Yet, I know I’m not as horrible as I sound. Because I’m on this website. I truly believe in love. And I know most of you reading this must as well. But it all starts within. Last year was painful, but it bought clarity. This year I’m going to really work on the most significant relationship of my life: the one with myself. And I’m starting right now, not on New Years Eve. I want to start 2010 properly.
I know it will require more than just a decision to love myself. Because, honestly, the past year has damaged me. I don’t completely like who I am right now. But self-hatred has done me no favours, it’s time to let go of the inner Meryl Streep: this year I will allow myself to make mistakes in the knowledge that I’m truly trying to grow into a person that I just don’t tolerate, but someone that I truly love. Because, as Oscar Wilde said “To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”.
Obviously, she can kind of be a b*tch. The thing is, because she knows me so intimately, she also knows exactly how to hurt me. Usually by bringing up some sordid detail from my (admittedly) imperfect past. She knows, for example, that I had sex with my best friends boyfriend. Scorns me for drinking too much. Chastises me for losing my temper with my mother. Ridicules me for me for my lack of knowledge on politics and current affairs. She knows every physical flaw on my body and draws attention to this frequently. Particularly before I leave the house on Saturday night.
And, okay... I’m a pretty awkward person. No, I mean really. I do the most ridiculous things. I accidentally ended an email to my University tutor with “xx” (yet still didn’t do well in that subject). I fill silences with questions like “So...do you....have....many people....in...your....family?”. Yep. It probably sounds insignificant, but in these situations she will always laugh at me...not with me (see, I told you. Total b*tch).
I’m making it sound almost comical, but this year she’s destroyed my self-esteem. She’s like Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, only meaner. Because of her, it’s really difficult to let other people close to me. I don’t feel worthy. And in some ways her criticisms have become self-fulfilling prophecies. She has told me I’m un-lovable enough that I’m starting to act that way.
The thing is, I can’t break up with this person. I know with full certainty that I will be with this person ‘till the very end. Because this person is me.
Yet, I know I’m not as horrible as I sound. Because I’m on this website. I truly believe in love. And I know most of you reading this must as well. But it all starts within. Last year was painful, but it bought clarity. This year I’m going to really work on the most significant relationship of my life: the one with myself. And I’m starting right now, not on New Years Eve. I want to start 2010 properly.
I know it will require more than just a decision to love myself. Because, honestly, the past year has damaged me. I don’t completely like who I am right now. But self-hatred has done me no favours, it’s time to let go of the inner Meryl Streep: this year I will allow myself to make mistakes in the knowledge that I’m truly trying to grow into a person that I just don’t tolerate, but someone that I truly love. Because, as Oscar Wilde said “To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Marry me, baby
Baby I've got this crazy idea I just can't get out of my head.
You see I've had it for a while now, and something must be said.
You know I've thought about it quite a bit, and I just have to say,
I'll regret it for the rest of time, if I'm not your wife one day.
I know it sounds absurd, and I know I'm awfully young,
but what we've got is out of this world and I can't stop what has begun.
I have these visions in my head of growing old together,
and I promise I'll stay true to you no matter what the weather.
I think you are my perfect match I never thought I'd find,
April 21st there you were and how I wished that you were mine.
I couldn't bear to spend all my days without you by my side,
my life's a rollercoaster but I need you on the ride.
I promise I'll clean the house every day and cook dinner for you too,
I'll sing the kids to sleep and do all there is to do.
I'll make you smile when you frown, listen to what you have to say,
I'll be good just wait and see I'll prove myself one day.
I think Pablo and Sheleesia are a match that's made to be,
We'll be like Buzz and Woody if you do this one thing for me.
Make my dreams come true, you'll call me yours, I'll call you mine.
Just promise me forever, and for the rest of time.
You see I've had it for a while now, and something must be said.
You know I've thought about it quite a bit, and I just have to say,
I'll regret it for the rest of time, if I'm not your wife one day.
I know it sounds absurd, and I know I'm awfully young,
but what we've got is out of this world and I can't stop what has begun.
I have these visions in my head of growing old together,
and I promise I'll stay true to you no matter what the weather.
I think you are my perfect match I never thought I'd find,
April 21st there you were and how I wished that you were mine.
I couldn't bear to spend all my days without you by my side,
my life's a rollercoaster but I need you on the ride.
I promise I'll clean the house every day and cook dinner for you too,
I'll sing the kids to sleep and do all there is to do.
I'll make you smile when you frown, listen to what you have to say,
I'll be good just wait and see I'll prove myself one day.
I think Pablo and Sheleesia are a match that's made to be,
We'll be like Buzz and Woody if you do this one thing for me.
Make my dreams come true, you'll call me yours, I'll call you mine.
Just promise me forever, and for the rest of time.
Marry me, baby
Baby I've got this crazy idea I just can't get out of my head.
You see I've had it for a while now, and something must be said.
You know I've thought about it quite a bit, and I just have to say,
I'll regret it for the rest of time, if I'm not your wife one day.
I know it sounds absurd, and I know I'm awfully young,
but what we've got is out of this world and I can't stop what has begun.
I have these visions in my head of growing old together,
and I promise I'll stay true to you no matter what the weather.
I think you are my perfect match I never thought I'd find,
April 21st there you were and how I wished that you were mine.
I couldn't bear to spend all my days without you by my side,
my life's a rollercoaster but I need you on the ride.
I promise I'll clean the house every day and cook dinner for you too,
I'll sing the kids to sleep and do all there is to do.
I'll make you smile when you frown, listen to what you have to say,
I'll be good just wait and see I'll prove myself one day.
I think Pablo and Sheleesia are a match that's made to be,
We'll be like Buzz and Woody if you do this one thing for me.
Make my dreams come true, you'll call me yours, I'll call you mine.
Just promise me forever, and for the rest of time.
You see I've had it for a while now, and something must be said.
You know I've thought about it quite a bit, and I just have to say,
I'll regret it for the rest of time, if I'm not your wife one day.
I know it sounds absurd, and I know I'm awfully young,
but what we've got is out of this world and I can't stop what has begun.
I have these visions in my head of growing old together,
and I promise I'll stay true to you no matter what the weather.
I think you are my perfect match I never thought I'd find,
April 21st there you were and how I wished that you were mine.
I couldn't bear to spend all my days without you by my side,
my life's a rollercoaster but I need you on the ride.
I promise I'll clean the house every day and cook dinner for you too,
I'll sing the kids to sleep and do all there is to do.
I'll make you smile when you frown, listen to what you have to say,
I'll be good just wait and see I'll prove myself one day.
I think Pablo and Sheleesia are a match that's made to be,
We'll be like Buzz and Woody if you do this one thing for me.
Make my dreams come true, you'll call me yours, I'll call you mine.
Just promise me forever, and for the rest of time.
the boy
He's the boy I'd like to meet five years from now
Meeting again on a crowded city street where I could see
He's got his life all figured out
There's so much he could be, so much he could do
It makes me just want to scream out, "I see the potential in you"
I dream of all the possibilities
That could lie ahead for that boy and me
Maybe we'll meet again on a street corner
Maybe our eyes will find each other in a smoky corridor
We'll both be different people, but will have finally met in the middle
In five years
It'll be like meeting for the first time
And we'll both know it feels right
And I'll tell him how happy I am to see him again
He'll be a man, but still have that playful, boyish grin
I dream of all the possibilities
That could lie ahead for that boy and me
Maybe we'll meet again on a street corner
Maybe our eyes will find each other in a smoky corridor
We'll both be different people, but will have finally met in the middle
In five years
When he looks at me, one thing will still be the same
Those brown eyes will still take my breath away
I dream of all the possibilities
That could lie ahead for that boy and me
Maybe we'll meet again on a street corner
Maybe our eyes will find each other in a smoky corridor
We'll both be different people, but will have finally met in the middle
In five years
I dream of all the possibilities
That could lie ahead for that boy and me
Maybe we'll meet again on a street corner
Maybe our eyes will find each other in a smoky corridor
We'll both be different people, but will have finally met in the middle
In five years
For the next five years, I'll smile when I turn
Past every street corner
Meeting again on a crowded city street where I could see
He's got his life all figured out
There's so much he could be, so much he could do
It makes me just want to scream out, "I see the potential in you"
I dream of all the possibilities
That could lie ahead for that boy and me
Maybe we'll meet again on a street corner
Maybe our eyes will find each other in a smoky corridor
We'll both be different people, but will have finally met in the middle
In five years
It'll be like meeting for the first time
And we'll both know it feels right
And I'll tell him how happy I am to see him again
He'll be a man, but still have that playful, boyish grin
I dream of all the possibilities
That could lie ahead for that boy and me
Maybe we'll meet again on a street corner
Maybe our eyes will find each other in a smoky corridor
We'll both be different people, but will have finally met in the middle
In five years
When he looks at me, one thing will still be the same
Those brown eyes will still take my breath away
I dream of all the possibilities
That could lie ahead for that boy and me
Maybe we'll meet again on a street corner
Maybe our eyes will find each other in a smoky corridor
We'll both be different people, but will have finally met in the middle
In five years
I dream of all the possibilities
That could lie ahead for that boy and me
Maybe we'll meet again on a street corner
Maybe our eyes will find each other in a smoky corridor
We'll both be different people, but will have finally met in the middle
In five years
For the next five years, I'll smile when I turn
Past every street corner
In love?
I need to write. I need to write, paint, cry it all away. I've found love, as ridiculous and impossible as that is. For me, anyway. I am a cynical person. In everything and everyone, I find fault.
I believe in love, I really believe in love. But for so long I've been too cynical, too logical, too damn scared to feel it.
I believe in love, I really believe in love. But for so long I've been too cynical, too logical, too damn scared to feel it.
Your love is hot
Your Love is... Hot
by Mastin Kipp
Your Love is HOT
As hot as steel rod that's been stoking a blacksmith's fire for ages
When I look at you, you glow like a million suns
All shining for no reason other than
Because they love the Light
And when your Light shines on me
It burns hot
Oh my muse, knowing you walk the Earth
Gives me great comfort
I would walk into your hot fire
Knowing it will burn me
But also knowing
That's how I go towards the Light
It is you, the One who see's right through me
Who I see, too...
You are the best I could ever ask for
There have been none greater, nor will there be
For you are the Heavens and the Earth
All in one
Your Light calls me
And beckons me to become my best
What courage, but tonight we die
To become something more,
To walk on the knife's edge
And become brand new
by Mastin Kipp
Your Love is HOT
As hot as steel rod that's been stoking a blacksmith's fire for ages
When I look at you, you glow like a million suns
All shining for no reason other than
Because they love the Light
And when your Light shines on me
It burns hot
Oh my muse, knowing you walk the Earth
Gives me great comfort
I would walk into your hot fire
Knowing it will burn me
But also knowing
That's how I go towards the Light
It is you, the One who see's right through me
Who I see, too...
You are the best I could ever ask for
There have been none greater, nor will there be
For you are the Heavens and the Earth
All in one
Your Light calls me
And beckons me to become my best
What courage, but tonight we die
To become something more,
To walk on the knife's edge
And become brand new
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
if your not the one
If your not the one then why does my soul feel glad today
If your not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my calls
If you you are not mine would i have the strength to stand at all
I dont know what the future brings,
But i know you're here with me now
We'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
I dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
If i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
Is there anyway that i can stay in your arms
If i dont need you then why am i crying on my bed
If i dont need you then why does your name resound in my head
If your not for me then why does this distance name my life
If your not for me then why do i dream of you as my wife
I dont know why your so far away but i know this much is true
We'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
And i wish that you could be the one i die with
And i pray that your the one i build my home with
I hope i love you all my life
I dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
If i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
Is there anyway that i can stay in your arms
Cause i miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And i breathe you into my heart and i pray for the strength to stand today
Cause i love you whether its wrong or right and though i cant be with you tonight
And though my heart is by your side
If your not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my calls
If you you are not mine would i have the strength to stand at all
I dont know what the future brings,
But i know you're here with me now
We'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
I dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
If i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
Is there anyway that i can stay in your arms
If i dont need you then why am i crying on my bed
If i dont need you then why does your name resound in my head
If your not for me then why does this distance name my life
If your not for me then why do i dream of you as my wife
I dont know why your so far away but i know this much is true
We'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
And i wish that you could be the one i die with
And i pray that your the one i build my home with
I hope i love you all my life
I dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
If i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
Is there anyway that i can stay in your arms
Cause i miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And i breathe you into my heart and i pray for the strength to stand today
Cause i love you whether its wrong or right and though i cant be with you tonight
And though my heart is by your side
i used to wish
I used to wish for perfect,
I used to wish I could not fail,
I used to wish that life were easy,
I used to want a fairy tale.
I used to wish there was no anger,
I used to wish there were no tears,
I used to wish there was no judgement,
I used to wish there was no fear.
I used to wish for pure perfection,
but now I can clearly see,
that perfection isn't perfect,
and perfection isn't me.
Imperfection is beauty -
which I've learned along the way...
imperfect me is beautiful,
no matter what you say.
Sadness makes us human,
and trials make us strong,
mistakes made are lessons learned,
and crying isn't wrong.
Pain reminds me I'm alive,
fallen dreams are tough.
But failure means I'm trying,
and trying is enough.
I may be bent and broken,
and life may be unfair,
I'm not yet who I wish to be,
but I'm slowly getting there.
Imperfections make life beautiful,
and now I clearly see,
with lifes imperfections,
it's still as perfect as can be.
I used to wish I could not fail,
I used to wish that life were easy,
I used to want a fairy tale.
I used to wish there was no anger,
I used to wish there were no tears,
I used to wish there was no judgement,
I used to wish there was no fear.
I used to wish for pure perfection,
but now I can clearly see,
that perfection isn't perfect,
and perfection isn't me.
Imperfection is beauty -
which I've learned along the way...
imperfect me is beautiful,
no matter what you say.
Sadness makes us human,
and trials make us strong,
mistakes made are lessons learned,
and crying isn't wrong.
Pain reminds me I'm alive,
fallen dreams are tough.
But failure means I'm trying,
and trying is enough.
I may be bent and broken,
and life may be unfair,
I'm not yet who I wish to be,
but I'm slowly getting there.
Imperfections make life beautiful,
and now I clearly see,
with lifes imperfections,
it's still as perfect as can be.
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