I have some thoughts today.
The humbling, deep kind.
I walked home in the cold and tears pricked my eyes.
Because I think I really saw myself.
And you know what?
I really love her.
And sometimes I cry because I know that.
And maybe that seems strange,
But to me it is so beautiful I can't help it.
I cried because I saw myself in a new way,
Someone capable of being that person I imagined I would be,
10 years ago when I pictured my life.
I probably didn't picture this crying, humbled, girl in the snow.
I pictured parties, and boys, and easy A's.
But I like this girl a lot better.
And younger self?
Friday, February 19, 2010
hummingbird
Suppose I say summer,
Write the word hummingbird
put it in an envelope,
take it down the hill
to the box. When you open
my letter you will recall
those days and how much,
just how much, I love you.
-Raymond Carver
Write the word hummingbird
put it in an envelope,
take it down the hill
to the box. When you open
my letter you will recall
those days and how much,
just how much, I love you.
-Raymond Carver
secrets
I think I fell in love with secrets.
This may seem strange, but I think secrets,
The right kind,
Are tantalizing.
I am not talking about the bad kind of secrets.
I am talking about the secrets that you only share with yourself.
Like talking to yourself in a British accent when you are alone,
Or pretending you have 20 seconds to choose the boy you will marry in your 3rd grade class.
(Am I the only one who did that?)
Or saving $10 a month to buy that anthropologie skirt you've been craving.
I think having secrets with yourself helps you love yourself.
And loving yourself, is the most important step to loving someone else
This may seem strange, but I think secrets,
The right kind,
Are tantalizing.
I am not talking about the bad kind of secrets.
I am talking about the secrets that you only share with yourself.
Like talking to yourself in a British accent when you are alone,
Or pretending you have 20 seconds to choose the boy you will marry in your 3rd grade class.
(Am I the only one who did that?)
Or saving $10 a month to buy that anthropologie skirt you've been craving.
I think having secrets with yourself helps you love yourself.
And loving yourself, is the most important step to loving someone else
Without falling in love
Loving things that are alive is always harder than loving things that are not,
Because when you love something alive,
There is a chance that it might not love you back.
And maybe, will even reject your love.
Some people fall in love many times,
But some of us only manage to do it once.
I fell in love with the idea of love before I ever really fell in love.
And it seemed right at the time,
But the right kind of love,
Will make you feel whole.
Yourself.
So I suppose those nights sitting by my desk,
listening to music,
Studying physiology together,
Crying tears too often,
Was not really love.
But just my first recognition that love is what I wanted in my future.
And that recognition didn't count then,
But it does now.
Does that make sense?
I fell in love with love,
Without falling in love.
Because when you love something alive,
There is a chance that it might not love you back.
And maybe, will even reject your love.
Some people fall in love many times,
But some of us only manage to do it once.
I fell in love with the idea of love before I ever really fell in love.
And it seemed right at the time,
But the right kind of love,
Will make you feel whole.
Yourself.
So I suppose those nights sitting by my desk,
listening to music,
Studying physiology together,
Crying tears too often,
Was not really love.
But just my first recognition that love is what I wanted in my future.
And that recognition didn't count then,
But it does now.
Does that make sense?
I fell in love with love,
Without falling in love.
Talent
"Talent isn't genius, and no amount of energy can make it so.
I want to be great, or nothing."
- Louisa May Alcott
Some things we fall in love with are not always good.
But I think I fell in love with something that is potentially good,
And potentially harmful.
I fell in love with ambition.
I fell in love with being better.
Sometimes though, it is not only better for myself,
But better than others.
It's a love that I love and hate.
But one I am still working on perfecting.
Because love is like that.
It needs perfecting sometimes.
I want to be great, or nothing."
- Louisa May Alcott
Some things we fall in love with are not always good.
But I think I fell in love with something that is potentially good,
And potentially harmful.
I fell in love with ambition.
I fell in love with being better.
Sometimes though, it is not only better for myself,
But better than others.
It's a love that I love and hate.
But one I am still working on perfecting.
Because love is like that.
It needs perfecting sometimes.
Charity
"Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us.
Charity is expecting the best of each other."
- Marvin J. Ashton
This kind of love is the hardest.
But it is also the most important.
I'm still trying to infuse it into my life.
Every.
Single.
Day.
Charity is expecting the best of each other."
- Marvin J. Ashton
This kind of love is the hardest.
But it is also the most important.
I'm still trying to infuse it into my life.
Every.
Single.
Day.
Hafiz
All I really want,
Is to love like this:
"Our Union is like this:
You feel cold, so I reach for a blanket to cover our shivering feet.
A hunger comes into your body,
so I run to my garden
and start digging potatoes.
You asked for a few words of guidance and comfort,
and I quickly kneel by your side
offering you a whole book as a gift.
You ache with loneliness one night
so much you weep,
and I say here is a rope,
tie it around me,
I will be your companion for life.
- Hafiz
Is to love like this:
"Our Union is like this:
You feel cold, so I reach for a blanket to cover our shivering feet.
A hunger comes into your body,
so I run to my garden
and start digging potatoes.
You asked for a few words of guidance and comfort,
and I quickly kneel by your side
offering you a whole book as a gift.
You ache with loneliness one night
so much you weep,
and I say here is a rope,
tie it around me,
I will be your companion for life.
- Hafiz
I love a lot of people
I love people.
I love my old Italian uncle and his Southern accent.
I love the twins I used to baby-sit and their tiny beds.
I love the friends I have made through blogging.
I love the people who were nice to me in Cairns.
I love my third grade teacher who cried reading Where the Red Fern Grows.
I love my sisters because they know why.
I love my best friend because she inspires me.
I love my little brother (sometimes) who just had a birthday.
I love the friends I've told secrets with since we were 10.
I love the friends I have met at highschool.
I love the boys I've dated in the past who broke my heart just because.
I love the silverboy, sectretly.
I love my neighbours, they best and never would have found them if I didn't venture down the road.
I love my soul sisters.
I love my Mom and Dad because they loved me first.
I love a lot of people.
More than on this list.
Who do you love?
I love my old Italian uncle and his Southern accent.
I love the twins I used to baby-sit and their tiny beds.
I love the friends I have made through blogging.
I love the people who were nice to me in Cairns.
I love my third grade teacher who cried reading Where the Red Fern Grows.
I love my sisters because they know why.
I love my best friend because she inspires me.
I love my little brother (sometimes) who just had a birthday.
I love the friends I've told secrets with since we were 10.
I love the friends I have met at highschool.
I love the boys I've dated in the past who broke my heart just because.
I love the silverboy, sectretly.
I love my neighbours, they best and never would have found them if I didn't venture down the road.
I love my soul sisters.
I love my Mom and Dad because they loved me first.
I love a lot of people.
More than on this list.
Who do you love?
What is love?
I suppose,
Love in all of its many forms is beautiful.
I do not pretend to be the expert on love,
Because I don't believe that love is something you fall into.
I believe it is something you learn to do.
It doesn't fix you.
It won't solve your problems.
It won't make a sad person happy,
Or an insecure person secure.
But what it does?
It teaches you to trust.
It enables you to forget yourself.
It motivates you to continue.
(at least the real kind).
Love in all of its many forms is beautiful.
I do not pretend to be the expert on love,
Because I don't believe that love is something you fall into.
I believe it is something you learn to do.
It doesn't fix you.
It won't solve your problems.
It won't make a sad person happy,
Or an insecure person secure.
But what it does?
It teaches you to trust.
It enables you to forget yourself.
It motivates you to continue.
(at least the real kind).
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I guess it's a bit like this
I guess it's like when you find out Santa Clause isn't real anymore. I guess it's like the time when Blink 182 broke up, and everyone was really, really sad. I guess it's like the time I turned 12, and I realized chances are I probably wasn't ever going to be a famous singer. And I guess it's like finding out that I do have a long way to go to get to where I want to be. I guess there comes a time in your life when you come to terms with everything, whether you just happened to or whether you had to push yourself to. Because being in the "Popular Crowd" in High School isn't going to determine the kind of life you live. And maybe accepting that life isn't perfect, and that neither are we, is probably the most liberating, exhilarating thing we can do for ourselves. And once we are at peace with how life works, it's kind of like our souls begin to breathe a little easier. And every day makes a little more sense. And yes maybe today will snow, but maybe tomorrow won't. And maybe I'm not as complete as I should be, but maybe the summertime will still come. And maybe once Blink 182 broke up, maybe they would be together again one day. And I guess it's like in 1970, when the Beatles wrote Let It Be. And maybe, just maybe, that's kind of how life works. And maybe, just maybe, I needed to learn that tonight.
Just a thought
Do you ever wake up and wonder,
"Is there going to be something about today that I will always remember?"
"Is there going to be something about today that I will always remember?"
Not like her
I had this phrase not like her floating around in my head last week and had no idea why. Well, OK, the obvious reason is that's the way I've always felt: All those guys I've had feelings for have ended up falling for a girl who is nothing like me. That's the idea I had in mind going in to writing this one, and then what do I discover this week? That person I shouldn't be having feelings for...well, he has feelings for someone else. His new girlfriend. Ever been my shoes, friends?
I know you said you'd fight for her
But I'm not so sure she deserves it
She doesn't make you smile anymore
And you say you don't know who to trust
That your world is slowly coming undone
I know I miss the way you were before
Maybe I'm making things too damn complicated
But that's just the way it has to be
Take my heart 'cause it desperately wants to tell you everything...
To hear you talk about her
There's no doubt she's beautiful
I wonder if you knew how much it hurt
To see her with you
And realize I'm not like her
You say you're happy with her, but I'm the girl you could have adored
We could have been beautiful together
Too bad I'm not like her
I wake up at 3 a.m. wondering why I care so much
Knowing I should just give you up
I gave you my heart even though you didn't know it
And now it's not my place to say
But when has that ever stopped me anyway?
Seems I'm bound to show it
Well thanks for telling me
I guess that's it, then
A beginning without an ending...
To hear you talk about her
There's no doubt she's beautiful
I wonder if you knew how much it hurt
To see her with you
And realize I'm not like her
You say you're happy with her, but I'm the girl you could have adored
We could have been beautiful together
Too bad I'm not like her
So, yeah, you told me about her
I'm not exactly sure why when I'm not the one who asked
And now all I do is try to figure out why I care
Knowing I'll never be like her
To hear you talk about her
There's no doubt she's beautiful
I wonder if you knew how much it hurt
To see her with you
And realize I'm not like her
You say you're happy with her, but I'm the girl you could have adored
We could have been beautiful together
Too bad I'm not like her
To hear you talk about her
There's no doubt she's beautiful
I wonder if you knew how much it hurt
To see her with you
And realize I'm not like her
You say you're happy with her, but I'm the girl you could have adored
We could have been beautiful together
Too bad I'm not like her
It took you only a minute to say it
But little did you know that it stayed with me...
I know you said you'd fight for her
But I'm not so sure she deserves it
She doesn't make you smile anymore
And you say you don't know who to trust
That your world is slowly coming undone
I know I miss the way you were before
Maybe I'm making things too damn complicated
But that's just the way it has to be
Take my heart 'cause it desperately wants to tell you everything...
To hear you talk about her
There's no doubt she's beautiful
I wonder if you knew how much it hurt
To see her with you
And realize I'm not like her
You say you're happy with her, but I'm the girl you could have adored
We could have been beautiful together
Too bad I'm not like her
I wake up at 3 a.m. wondering why I care so much
Knowing I should just give you up
I gave you my heart even though you didn't know it
And now it's not my place to say
But when has that ever stopped me anyway?
Seems I'm bound to show it
Well thanks for telling me
I guess that's it, then
A beginning without an ending...
To hear you talk about her
There's no doubt she's beautiful
I wonder if you knew how much it hurt
To see her with you
And realize I'm not like her
You say you're happy with her, but I'm the girl you could have adored
We could have been beautiful together
Too bad I'm not like her
So, yeah, you told me about her
I'm not exactly sure why when I'm not the one who asked
And now all I do is try to figure out why I care
Knowing I'll never be like her
To hear you talk about her
There's no doubt she's beautiful
I wonder if you knew how much it hurt
To see her with you
And realize I'm not like her
You say you're happy with her, but I'm the girl you could have adored
We could have been beautiful together
Too bad I'm not like her
To hear you talk about her
There's no doubt she's beautiful
I wonder if you knew how much it hurt
To see her with you
And realize I'm not like her
You say you're happy with her, but I'm the girl you could have adored
We could have been beautiful together
Too bad I'm not like her
It took you only a minute to say it
But little did you know that it stayed with me...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
grateful for love
"our fault is being human,
mistakes are everywhere,
i am sorry for ever being unkind
or acting like i didn’t care.
there’s one sad truth in life i’ve found,
after traveling from east to west;
the only people we really wound
are those who we love best.
....
so let me end by saying one thing:
I love you, I love you, I do,
you’re my best friend, you make me happy
and I want to do the same for you.
...
ps. and if this apology does not suffice,
i will make you a thousand plates of chicken and rice."
the end.
and yes, the poem above was written by me a few years ago.
it is the equivalent of second grade english, i know.
i found this tonight on my computer,
and after totally forgetting about it,
(my poetic ability may not have been such a bad thing to forget)
i was reminded of one very wonderful thing:
i am grateful for love,
and for the love that always allows forgiveness.
i realize that i am far from perfect,
in fact i always will be.
but there are those who love me,
who love me despite my imperfectness,
and a certain someone who loved me even
after receiving this tragic poem,
and after eating one-too-many plates of my specialty:
chicken and rice.
and then i think of all the others in my life,
who, for some reason, still love me too.
and that makes me very grateful for love this year.
mistakes are everywhere,
i am sorry for ever being unkind
or acting like i didn’t care.
there’s one sad truth in life i’ve found,
after traveling from east to west;
the only people we really wound
are those who we love best.
....
so let me end by saying one thing:
I love you, I love you, I do,
you’re my best friend, you make me happy
and I want to do the same for you.
...
ps. and if this apology does not suffice,
i will make you a thousand plates of chicken and rice."
the end.
and yes, the poem above was written by me a few years ago.
it is the equivalent of second grade english, i know.
i found this tonight on my computer,
and after totally forgetting about it,
(my poetic ability may not have been such a bad thing to forget)
i was reminded of one very wonderful thing:
i am grateful for love,
and for the love that always allows forgiveness.
i realize that i am far from perfect,
in fact i always will be.
but there are those who love me,
who love me despite my imperfectness,
and a certain someone who loved me even
after receiving this tragic poem,
and after eating one-too-many plates of my specialty:
chicken and rice.
and then i think of all the others in my life,
who, for some reason, still love me too.
and that makes me very grateful for love this year.
Optimistic
he doesn't deserve me.
i know that that's what everyone's been telling me for months, and ive known it was true. but now i feel it. i feel it in my heart that i am too good for him. he wasn't any good for me. he hurt me, he rejected me, he made the corners of my soul cave in. he made me happy for such a short time, and even then it was full of ups and downs. and i deserve better than that. i deserve a boy that loves me, that truly knows me fully and completely and is in love with every bit of me. i deserve a guy that always wants to be with me and will do anything for me. i deserve a man who makes me happy.
and i believe he exists. i believe now that someday, i will find my perfect match. i haven't been optimistic in months. i've spent so much time alone, dwelling on him, on the one that broke my heart. and i haven't been able to see that this isn't the end. i'm young, i have the rest of my life ahead of me. one day, i will find that person and we will fall crazily and madly in love. he exists. and it's okay if i don't find him anytime soon. i'm not going to go out there and search for him. because you know what? i do believe in soulmates. i believe that everyone has someone made just for them. and today, today i felt that hope inside of me. that i will find my soulmate. and that this guy, this stupid guy that broke me is not him. so why am i wasting my life crying over him? from now on, i'm just going to let go. i know i won't completely get over him right away, but i'm not going to spend any more time sitting at home when i could be living my life. i'm letting go of him because i don't need him.
i'm going to live. i'm going to have a love for life. and i'm going to be happy.
i know that that's what everyone's been telling me for months, and ive known it was true. but now i feel it. i feel it in my heart that i am too good for him. he wasn't any good for me. he hurt me, he rejected me, he made the corners of my soul cave in. he made me happy for such a short time, and even then it was full of ups and downs. and i deserve better than that. i deserve a boy that loves me, that truly knows me fully and completely and is in love with every bit of me. i deserve a guy that always wants to be with me and will do anything for me. i deserve a man who makes me happy.
and i believe he exists. i believe now that someday, i will find my perfect match. i haven't been optimistic in months. i've spent so much time alone, dwelling on him, on the one that broke my heart. and i haven't been able to see that this isn't the end. i'm young, i have the rest of my life ahead of me. one day, i will find that person and we will fall crazily and madly in love. he exists. and it's okay if i don't find him anytime soon. i'm not going to go out there and search for him. because you know what? i do believe in soulmates. i believe that everyone has someone made just for them. and today, today i felt that hope inside of me. that i will find my soulmate. and that this guy, this stupid guy that broke me is not him. so why am i wasting my life crying over him? from now on, i'm just going to let go. i know i won't completely get over him right away, but i'm not going to spend any more time sitting at home when i could be living my life. i'm letting go of him because i don't need him.
i'm going to live. i'm going to have a love for life. and i'm going to be happy.
I just don't feel it
My boyfriend and I have been going out for a little over eight months. I was happy. He was happier. I was never sure what love meant or if I loved him or not, but when he said the three magic words a couple months in I did too. Not just because he did, I really thought I did. He is the sweetest guy when you get to know him but tonight as I looked at him from across the room while hanging out with some friends, I realized that I didn't love him. Maybe I did in certain moments when we were together. Or maybe I loved the idea of him more that him in reality. Either way he was my first boyfriend so how could I know what love was?
Why couldn't this have come to me earlier? Not eight months in, after I have met his family and hung out with them. They like me and I like them. But I don't love him. He is perfect on paper, and so am I, and yet we are so not perfect together. I just don't feel anything when I look at him now. How do I get out when I don't want to hurt him? He loves me, he really does. And that's what kills me.
I hate myself for doing this to him, but I can't stay with him.
I am no poet or master with words like some of the people that send in their stories to this site, but I thought maybe writing down the way I feel could make it more real to me.
Why couldn't this have come to me earlier? Not eight months in, after I have met his family and hung out with them. They like me and I like them. But I don't love him. He is perfect on paper, and so am I, and yet we are so not perfect together. I just don't feel anything when I look at him now. How do I get out when I don't want to hurt him? He loves me, he really does. And that's what kills me.
I hate myself for doing this to him, but I can't stay with him.
I am no poet or master with words like some of the people that send in their stories to this site, but I thought maybe writing down the way I feel could make it more real to me.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Captivate me
Your thoughts,
Your movements,
The brush of your hand.
Your heart,
Your eyes,
And a cheeky grin.
Your short hair,
Your long hair,
Strawberry blonde in the sun.
Your love,
Your heart beat,
The rhythm of you.
You captivate me.
Completely.
Your movements,
The brush of your hand.
Your heart,
Your eyes,
And a cheeky grin.
Your short hair,
Your long hair,
Strawberry blonde in the sun.
Your love,
Your heart beat,
The rhythm of you.
You captivate me.
Completely.
never ment to last
Some people are never built to last,
I could love you as much as I possibly could
Day in, and day out.
But what happens when I can't love you anymore
When I wake up one morning and everything I feel for you isn't there
But it was there the night before wasn't it?
Or maybe it wasn't?
Maybe it hasn't been there for a while,
And I'd been so used to your reliability,
That I was blindsided by an unaltered path of constant normal, the same.
I don't know, I woke up this morning and I still love you,
I thought about you,
I wondered how you were.
So maybe we've got a little longer to go in the long run.
Maybe we'll still call each other home in twenty years.
I really hope so.
I could love you as much as I possibly could
Day in, and day out.
But what happens when I can't love you anymore
When I wake up one morning and everything I feel for you isn't there
But it was there the night before wasn't it?
Or maybe it wasn't?
Maybe it hasn't been there for a while,
And I'd been so used to your reliability,
That I was blindsided by an unaltered path of constant normal, the same.
I don't know, I woke up this morning and I still love you,
I thought about you,
I wondered how you were.
So maybe we've got a little longer to go in the long run.
Maybe we'll still call each other home in twenty years.
I really hope so.
No getting over
All the things I know right now,
if I only knew back then,
there's no gettin' over,
there's no gettin' over,
there's just no getting over you.
Wish I could spin my world into reverse
just to have you back again,
there's no gettin' over,
there's no gettin over,
there's just no getting over you
if I only knew back then,
there's no gettin' over,
there's no gettin' over,
there's just no getting over you.
Wish I could spin my world into reverse
just to have you back again,
there's no gettin' over,
there's no gettin over,
there's just no getting over you
vodka
My only love is for you, vodka.
Before it became a crush,
we were family friends.
You slipped in and out of my parent's parties.
I saw you only in passing.
We were never introduced...
...formally, that is.
The first time I saw you out of my house
was that night.
The night we first spoke.
You comforted me and
cradled me in your arms.
I was with all my best friends,
but you and I seemed to fit so perfectly.
Some say we took those first steps too quickly.
It wasn't love right away, but I was
intrigued by you and your
sense of warmth.
After nights similar to the first,
I began to think of you a lot.
If a weekend would pass without you in it,
in me,
it was incomplete.
I yearned for your touch
and the way you made my skin prickle.
My lips tingle in the thought of you now.
At the beginning, it was simply fun with you.
Innocent fun with no repercussions.
That is when I learned to love you.
I loved how you didn't have a plan or sense of direction.
You were spontaneous.
I was insecure and fragile, looking for someone,
something,
just like you.
At first, you brought out the best in me,
showed me that when we were together,
I meant something,
and I will always thank you for that.
There were times when I questioned your worth.
Some nights you would engulf me,
take everything of me,
chew me up
and spit me back out.
You never threatened me, or hurt me.
I just loved you so much that I would do anything you said.
Maybe I was angry with you in the morning,
but I always forgave you the next time we were together.
Run up to you and hug you, and you would kiss me twice on each cheek.
Like you always had.
As if nothing had happened.
Somehow promising that tonight would be better.
From that first night to now,
our love affair has been consistent.
I always want you
and your smooth touch.
And even after every time you put me down.
You're always the one to pull me back up.
I've shared so many memories with you,
dark and messy nights,
poetic and spiritual ones too.
Every time I hear your name or
know that you are near,
my eyes widen.
I bite my lip and smile.
I get shaky and anticipate your arrival.
Some people love you superficially.
They are the ones who don't easily forgive.
But you know that I will always love you.
Some will try to tear us apart,
saying that you don't love me back.
That you can't.
They've tried and lost.
Even if I don't directly receive love in return,
the way you make me feel, and act, and cry,
lets me know that you do love me.
You are the only one who can hurt me
as much as you have,
and know that I will always run back into your arms.
Before it became a crush,
we were family friends.
You slipped in and out of my parent's parties.
I saw you only in passing.
We were never introduced...
...formally, that is.
The first time I saw you out of my house
was that night.
The night we first spoke.
You comforted me and
cradled me in your arms.
I was with all my best friends,
but you and I seemed to fit so perfectly.
Some say we took those first steps too quickly.
It wasn't love right away, but I was
intrigued by you and your
sense of warmth.
After nights similar to the first,
I began to think of you a lot.
If a weekend would pass without you in it,
in me,
it was incomplete.
I yearned for your touch
and the way you made my skin prickle.
My lips tingle in the thought of you now.
At the beginning, it was simply fun with you.
Innocent fun with no repercussions.
That is when I learned to love you.
I loved how you didn't have a plan or sense of direction.
You were spontaneous.
I was insecure and fragile, looking for someone,
something,
just like you.
At first, you brought out the best in me,
showed me that when we were together,
I meant something,
and I will always thank you for that.
There were times when I questioned your worth.
Some nights you would engulf me,
take everything of me,
chew me up
and spit me back out.
You never threatened me, or hurt me.
I just loved you so much that I would do anything you said.
Maybe I was angry with you in the morning,
but I always forgave you the next time we were together.
Run up to you and hug you, and you would kiss me twice on each cheek.
Like you always had.
As if nothing had happened.
Somehow promising that tonight would be better.
From that first night to now,
our love affair has been consistent.
I always want you
and your smooth touch.
And even after every time you put me down.
You're always the one to pull me back up.
I've shared so many memories with you,
dark and messy nights,
poetic and spiritual ones too.
Every time I hear your name or
know that you are near,
my eyes widen.
I bite my lip and smile.
I get shaky and anticipate your arrival.
Some people love you superficially.
They are the ones who don't easily forgive.
But you know that I will always love you.
Some will try to tear us apart,
saying that you don't love me back.
That you can't.
They've tried and lost.
Even if I don't directly receive love in return,
the way you make me feel, and act, and cry,
lets me know that you do love me.
You are the only one who can hurt me
as much as you have,
and know that I will always run back into your arms.
he see's me
He sees me. He sees who am i. He sees what others are to busy or to blind to see. He sees me.
When I see problems, he sees the possibilities in them. Solutions where I can only see trouble. And I am thankful for that. A shoulder to lean on. A hand to hold. A person to love. That's him. And I absolutely adore him. Especially his morning smile. And they way he looks at the lifelines in my hands. How he follows them with the tips of his fingers. How it usually tickles. How he says: "your lifelines say that we are forever." And I believe him. No matter what he says. I will believe him. And that is power. That is making yourself so vulnerable that it scares you but you still take the risk. The chance of letting yourself love - and be loved in return.
My butterflies become suicide bombers and throw themselves at the walls of my stomach when I see or hear your name. Which is a good feeling since it is the feeling that I have always associate with love. And that I can still feel it after 1 and a half year makes me believe in us, believe in that we are forever.
We are forever.
When I see problems, he sees the possibilities in them. Solutions where I can only see trouble. And I am thankful for that. A shoulder to lean on. A hand to hold. A person to love. That's him. And I absolutely adore him. Especially his morning smile. And they way he looks at the lifelines in my hands. How he follows them with the tips of his fingers. How it usually tickles. How he says: "your lifelines say that we are forever." And I believe him. No matter what he says. I will believe him. And that is power. That is making yourself so vulnerable that it scares you but you still take the risk. The chance of letting yourself love - and be loved in return.
My butterflies become suicide bombers and throw themselves at the walls of my stomach when I see or hear your name. Which is a good feeling since it is the feeling that I have always associate with love. And that I can still feel it after 1 and a half year makes me believe in us, believe in that we are forever.
We are forever.
love you have to love her
i know love. i've seen her- we are friends. i believe in her and even though we fight sometimes, in the end she always pulls through for me when i need her and for that, i'm grateful.
right now, we are not on the best of terms. i feel like i have a bone to pick with love. i am watching one of the most difficult things i have ever had to watch. i am watching the person who taught me about love, the person who introduced us, i'm watching her fall apart.
it sucks. because, having finally learned to believe in something, i have to watch it be tested in this way, and i don't know whats going to happen, or how, or why its happening. why would love, our sweet, gentle, loyal friend, desert one of her own? how could she? how could she stand by and let this happen to someone with so much faith in her?
it is unfair. it tears me up and it makes me wonder- have we all misplaced our trust, our hope, faith and belief? it makes me wonder why we're all out to befriend such a fickle, fickle bitch. if she could just chose to take a rain-check on us like this, when times get hard.
i think, we can be very hard on love. we expect so much. we want to salvage our relationship so badly, that we refuse to let her off the hook even when its not entirely her fault. we look at love, and ask her why.
we need to not blame ourselves, we need to not point fingers. we need to understand the nature of love, we need to understand how she works and why. because otherwise, we are bound to be let down. we need to understand that she is around simply, to entertain us. to make her presence felt. perhaps comfort us, and reassure us. in the end, we wallow in the belief that she will not, cannot, hold you together when you need her most. that is because we are blind.
we are a dependent society and i find it sad. i love love. i love my boyfriend, i love my family, and i love my friends. hell, i love my fuzzy gray beanie that will probably never be returned to its rightful owner... i love love. but i have a healthy fear, an acknowledgment to the fact that she is liable to drop out from beneath my feet at any moment. the future is not promised us.
we need to stop running, blindfolded by love. we need to accept that things change, and accept love from wherever we can get it, even if its not where you want it to come from. we need to let our friends love us. let our parents, pets, and hobbies, love us.
because when you lose one source of love, you're going to wish you had another.
love, where are you when we need you? the truth is, she's right there. we are just to absorbed to see her, because she takes a form that we may not necessarily be in the mood for. but she is there. she is always there. and she may not love you. but you need to love her.
no matter what, you need to love her.
right now, we are not on the best of terms. i feel like i have a bone to pick with love. i am watching one of the most difficult things i have ever had to watch. i am watching the person who taught me about love, the person who introduced us, i'm watching her fall apart.
it sucks. because, having finally learned to believe in something, i have to watch it be tested in this way, and i don't know whats going to happen, or how, or why its happening. why would love, our sweet, gentle, loyal friend, desert one of her own? how could she? how could she stand by and let this happen to someone with so much faith in her?
it is unfair. it tears me up and it makes me wonder- have we all misplaced our trust, our hope, faith and belief? it makes me wonder why we're all out to befriend such a fickle, fickle bitch. if she could just chose to take a rain-check on us like this, when times get hard.
i think, we can be very hard on love. we expect so much. we want to salvage our relationship so badly, that we refuse to let her off the hook even when its not entirely her fault. we look at love, and ask her why.
we need to not blame ourselves, we need to not point fingers. we need to understand the nature of love, we need to understand how she works and why. because otherwise, we are bound to be let down. we need to understand that she is around simply, to entertain us. to make her presence felt. perhaps comfort us, and reassure us. in the end, we wallow in the belief that she will not, cannot, hold you together when you need her most. that is because we are blind.
we are a dependent society and i find it sad. i love love. i love my boyfriend, i love my family, and i love my friends. hell, i love my fuzzy gray beanie that will probably never be returned to its rightful owner... i love love. but i have a healthy fear, an acknowledgment to the fact that she is liable to drop out from beneath my feet at any moment. the future is not promised us.
we need to stop running, blindfolded by love. we need to accept that things change, and accept love from wherever we can get it, even if its not where you want it to come from. we need to let our friends love us. let our parents, pets, and hobbies, love us.
because when you lose one source of love, you're going to wish you had another.
love, where are you when we need you? the truth is, she's right there. we are just to absorbed to see her, because she takes a form that we may not necessarily be in the mood for. but she is there. she is always there. and she may not love you. but you need to love her.
no matter what, you need to love her.
prince charming
I feel ripped off by Disney movies. I grew up believing that my very own Prince Charming would find me, and it would be lovely, and I would be happy forever and there would never be a spider in the bath, or a blown light bulb when I’m home alone, or a rainy day when I missed the bus. My Prince Charming would never let me feel sad. I honestly believed that, because seeing is believing, and that was all I’d seen.
But I was little then, and now I am sixteen years old, and I wonder if Prince Charmings even exist. I know I’m too young to feel like this, but I’m glad of it. I’m glad I’ve realized now that even if I did find that perfect boy for me, sometimes spiders might still crawl up through the drain and I might only see them once I’d gotten all my bubble bath and candles ready. And I know that bus drivers are dickheads and won’t stop driving for someone who’s running to the stop, even if I do find the love of my life. I am glad that I know, now, that it’s okay if I never have a man like Prince Eric or Aladdin. Because Eric was with a fish lady and Aladdin wears stupid pants anyway, and they couldn’t solve all my problems with a pretty song and dance.
So I feel ripped off by Disney movies, because they lied to me when I was just a gullible little kid, and made me wish I could go to a ball and find the love of my life. I feel ripped off, because they made me hope for something impossible. I feel ripped off, because what I’ve learned in my short life is not to believe what you see in movies. And now, if my very own Prince Charming came along, I wouldn’t even see him.
But I was little then, and now I am sixteen years old, and I wonder if Prince Charmings even exist. I know I’m too young to feel like this, but I’m glad of it. I’m glad I’ve realized now that even if I did find that perfect boy for me, sometimes spiders might still crawl up through the drain and I might only see them once I’d gotten all my bubble bath and candles ready. And I know that bus drivers are dickheads and won’t stop driving for someone who’s running to the stop, even if I do find the love of my life. I am glad that I know, now, that it’s okay if I never have a man like Prince Eric or Aladdin. Because Eric was with a fish lady and Aladdin wears stupid pants anyway, and they couldn’t solve all my problems with a pretty song and dance.
So I feel ripped off by Disney movies, because they lied to me when I was just a gullible little kid, and made me wish I could go to a ball and find the love of my life. I feel ripped off, because they made me hope for something impossible. I feel ripped off, because what I’ve learned in my short life is not to believe what you see in movies. And now, if my very own Prince Charming came along, I wouldn’t even see him.
he doesnt deserve me
he doesn't deserve me.
i know that that's what everyone's been telling me for months, and ive known it was true. but now i feel it. i feel it in my heart that i am too good for him. he wasn't any good for me. he hurt me, he rejected me, he made the corners of my soul cave in. he made me happy for such a short time, and even then it was full of ups and downs. and i deserve better than that. i deserve a boy that loves me, that truly knows me fully and completely and is in love with every bit of me. i deserve a guy that always wants to be with me and will do anything for me. i deserve a man who makes me happy.
and i believe he exists. i believe now that someday, i will find my perfect match. i haven't been optimistic in months. i've spent so much time alone, dwelling on him, on the one that broke my heart. and i haven't been able to see that this isn't the end. i'm young, i have the rest of my life ahead of me. one day, i will find that person and we will fall crazily and madly in love. he exists. and it's okay if i don't find him anytime soon. i'm not going to go out there and search for him. because you know what? i do believe in soulmates. i believe that everyone has someone made just for them. and today, today i felt that hope inside of me. that i will find my soulmate. and that this guy, this stupid guy that broke me is not him. so why am i wasting my life crying over him? from now on, i'm just going to let go. i know i won't completely get over him right away, but i'm not going to spend any more time sitting at home when i could be living my life. i'm letting go of him because i don't need him.
i'm going to live. i'm going to have a love for life. and i'm going to be happy.
i know that that's what everyone's been telling me for months, and ive known it was true. but now i feel it. i feel it in my heart that i am too good for him. he wasn't any good for me. he hurt me, he rejected me, he made the corners of my soul cave in. he made me happy for such a short time, and even then it was full of ups and downs. and i deserve better than that. i deserve a boy that loves me, that truly knows me fully and completely and is in love with every bit of me. i deserve a guy that always wants to be with me and will do anything for me. i deserve a man who makes me happy.
and i believe he exists. i believe now that someday, i will find my perfect match. i haven't been optimistic in months. i've spent so much time alone, dwelling on him, on the one that broke my heart. and i haven't been able to see that this isn't the end. i'm young, i have the rest of my life ahead of me. one day, i will find that person and we will fall crazily and madly in love. he exists. and it's okay if i don't find him anytime soon. i'm not going to go out there and search for him. because you know what? i do believe in soulmates. i believe that everyone has someone made just for them. and today, today i felt that hope inside of me. that i will find my soulmate. and that this guy, this stupid guy that broke me is not him. so why am i wasting my life crying over him? from now on, i'm just going to let go. i know i won't completely get over him right away, but i'm not going to spend any more time sitting at home when i could be living my life. i'm letting go of him because i don't need him.
i'm going to live. i'm going to have a love for life. and i'm going to be happy.
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