here i am, remembering about us again. i don’t know why all this is coming back now. i’ve dealt with it in virtually every aspect of my life, because the similarities seem to come up in some way or another. and you know what? i haven’t let myself fall for anyone again. no one has made me feel the way you could make me feel, and i wonder if anyone ever will.
all i know right now is that i’ve grown up a lot since then. and it makes me smile every time i think about it. i guess because i don’t like to admit to myself that all that drama and all that attention back then, i loved it. i loved it at first when i wasn’t worried of the possibilities that came later. i loved the way you made me feel. i loved how you could always make me laugh, and how many times you’d catch my eye in the middle of that laughter, and for a moment i believed that things could be different.
deep down though, i guess i always knew they never would be.
that was the problem-- you were way out of my league, and i knew that. it made it so frustrating, so ironic, that i couldn’t help myself from having such a hopeless crush. but it was because you were different. you were one of the few guys i always had respect for, you were the one who i laughed with and looked forward to seeing every day. i don’t know if you knew it or not. everyone else sure did. but you gave me a chance, and i let down my guard. i tricked myself into having hope, when i so clearly shouldn’t have had any. and from there, i suddenly freaked out. i suddenly realized how much it was screwing me up, and i couldn’t do a thing about it.
for the past two years, i’ve been trying to let it go. trying to move on with my life, avoiding any brush i might have with the past, avoiding any encounter i think i might have that would change the way things were. they were over. and i wanted myself to believe that.
but the thing is, it’s not over. i guess i’m just now realizing that it’s never going to be over. maybe i should have dealt with it better than i did. but i couldn't, and when i left, things were a mess. they still are. i thought it would go away; i thought i would forget you and everything we once were.
but i haven’t. i’ve wished so many times that i could forget, but there you are-- constantly on my mind, it seems, because tiny little things always trigger my memory. i try to push it away, instead of dealing with it. that’s what i do with anything that makes me uncomfortable. i suppose i should be learning how to understand my own emotions. i certainly have enough of them, and that’s hardly your fault. hell, i don’t even know why i’m writing this. it’s not like you’ll ever know what i think. i am a distant memory to you, if anything. i see you and i can tell what you're feeling. i know things will never be the same between us. you love her, and she's all that matters to you. she's all that will ever matter to you no matter what i do and no matter what i say. and even though every time i see you is a turning point in my life, it will hardly matter to yours.
i guess i should get used to that.
Monday, December 21, 2009
i cant
i can't. i can't i can't i can't.
i can't do this anymore. its going to kill me. i just can't. i need to move on.
but.
i can't stop loving him. i can't and i need to because its the worst thing ever.
i can't because thinking of everything that happened literally makes me sick to my stomach.
i can't because he's the only one i ever think about.
he's the one i don't want to think about, but i cannot stop.
i can't because i never got to kiss him, i never felt his breath between my lips.
i can't because i spend my days fantasizing about him surprising me,
showing up on my doorstep, telling me he made a mistake.
i can't because i see her everyday.
i see her and i think of what they used to have and i agonize over whether he chose her.
i can't because i don't even know if he chose her.
i don't even know because he is so confusing and frustrating
and he makes everything so unclear.
i can't because he might still have feelings for me.
there is that sliver of a chance and while i know its probably not true,
it makes it impossible to let go.
i can't because i think about being in his arms every second.
the hairs of his beard brushing my cheek gently.
the feeling of his warmth beneath my fingers.
i can't because the way our fingers intertwined was perfect.
it felt warm and soft and right.
i can't because he understood me.
he just got me, right from the start.
and i don't find that often. not often at all.
i can't because we would be perfect together.
i know we would. and it's too hard for me to give up on that.
i can't because EVERYTHING makes me think of him.
crayons. tattoos. band tees. school buses. nose rings.
and every time i see them im completely overwhelmed.
i can't because i practically start crying in the middle of the gym when a song comes on that makes me think of him. which is a lot of songs.
i can't because i've tried and it doesn't work. i want to stop so much.
its just not going to happen.
i can't because i don't see other guys. i don't even see them as being guys.
its like they don't exist to me now.
i can;t because i imagined our insane, amazing, beautiful future and it's all i want.
i thought it was really going to happen and now the pain is eating me up.
i can't because i want him more than i've ever wanted anything in my life.
i can't breathe. i can't focus. i can't be without him. i can't go the rest of my life wondering what it would have been like.
i just can't.
i can't do this anymore. its going to kill me. i just can't. i need to move on.
but.
i can't stop loving him. i can't and i need to because its the worst thing ever.
i can't because thinking of everything that happened literally makes me sick to my stomach.
i can't because he's the only one i ever think about.
he's the one i don't want to think about, but i cannot stop.
i can't because i never got to kiss him, i never felt his breath between my lips.
i can't because i spend my days fantasizing about him surprising me,
showing up on my doorstep, telling me he made a mistake.
i can't because i see her everyday.
i see her and i think of what they used to have and i agonize over whether he chose her.
i can't because i don't even know if he chose her.
i don't even know because he is so confusing and frustrating
and he makes everything so unclear.
i can't because he might still have feelings for me.
there is that sliver of a chance and while i know its probably not true,
it makes it impossible to let go.
i can't because i think about being in his arms every second.
the hairs of his beard brushing my cheek gently.
the feeling of his warmth beneath my fingers.
i can't because the way our fingers intertwined was perfect.
it felt warm and soft and right.
i can't because he understood me.
he just got me, right from the start.
and i don't find that often. not often at all.
i can't because we would be perfect together.
i know we would. and it's too hard for me to give up on that.
i can't because EVERYTHING makes me think of him.
crayons. tattoos. band tees. school buses. nose rings.
and every time i see them im completely overwhelmed.
i can't because i practically start crying in the middle of the gym when a song comes on that makes me think of him. which is a lot of songs.
i can't because i've tried and it doesn't work. i want to stop so much.
its just not going to happen.
i can't because i don't see other guys. i don't even see them as being guys.
its like they don't exist to me now.
i can;t because i imagined our insane, amazing, beautiful future and it's all i want.
i thought it was really going to happen and now the pain is eating me up.
i can't because i want him more than i've ever wanted anything in my life.
i can't breathe. i can't focus. i can't be without him. i can't go the rest of my life wondering what it would have been like.
i just can't.
the rocket summer
We stand here both proud, both wrong and right.
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight.
And our lives are so intertwined in one...
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone.
And you see it’s hard for me to breathe,
When I get all worked up with these feelings.
And I don’t know exactly how it is...
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist...
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists.
The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate,
While were drowning in rivers from our faces.
A trembling silence fills the air we stand here so impaired, so aware...
Like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this.
And I don’t know exactly how it is,
That just to say I’m right, your wrong, we both lose to win.
So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid,
Maybe we're just being dumb,
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized...
Like a flag in the wind we are one.
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely,
But in battle can be torn to shreds...
But with time and with patience and love and affection,
Can be fixed with needle and thread.
Because I love you and you love me,
And nothing will make this leave.
I said I love you and you love me,
And nothing will make this leave.
So remember me,
And don’t walk away...
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight.
And our lives are so intertwined in one...
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone.
And you see it’s hard for me to breathe,
When I get all worked up with these feelings.
And I don’t know exactly how it is...
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist...
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists.
The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate,
While were drowning in rivers from our faces.
A trembling silence fills the air we stand here so impaired, so aware...
Like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this.
And I don’t know exactly how it is,
That just to say I’m right, your wrong, we both lose to win.
So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid,
Maybe we're just being dumb,
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized...
Like a flag in the wind we are one.
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely,
But in battle can be torn to shreds...
But with time and with patience and love and affection,
Can be fixed with needle and thread.
Because I love you and you love me,
And nothing will make this leave.
I said I love you and you love me,
And nothing will make this leave.
So remember me,
And don’t walk away...
i love you every step of the way
So where do we go from here?
With all this fear in our eyes...
And where can love take us now?
We've been so far down...
We can still touch the sky...
If we crawl, till we can walk again,
And we'll run until we're strong enough to jump,
Then we'll fly until there is no end...
So let's crawl...crawl....crawl...
Back to love.
We can still have it all.
Everybody sees it's you...
Well I never wanna lose that view.
So we'll crawl till we can walk again.
Then we'll run until we're strong enough to jump.
Then we'll fly until there is no end...
So lets crawl...
Back to love ♥
With all this fear in our eyes...
And where can love take us now?
We've been so far down...
We can still touch the sky...
If we crawl, till we can walk again,
And we'll run until we're strong enough to jump,
Then we'll fly until there is no end...
So let's crawl...crawl....crawl...
Back to love.
We can still have it all.
Everybody sees it's you...
Well I never wanna lose that view.
So we'll crawl till we can walk again.
Then we'll run until we're strong enough to jump.
Then we'll fly until there is no end...
So lets crawl...
Back to love ♥
word
"Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be... but didn’t know how to be."
-Heath Buckmaster
"Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing whats next, or how.
The moment you know how, you begin to die a little.
The artist never entirely knows. We guess.
We may be wrong... but we take leap after leap in the dark."
-Agnes De Mille
-Heath Buckmaster
"Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing whats next, or how.
The moment you know how, you begin to die a little.
The artist never entirely knows. We guess.
We may be wrong... but we take leap after leap in the dark."
-Agnes De Mille
life in general
1. We need to learn how to trust and how to keep getting trust back. We need to learn how to be able to trust everyone again.
2. To love a person unconditionally is possible. You need to learn to accept things—and it’s harder to do than to say, definitely, but you need to learn that. There is a difference to being someone’s doormat and maintaining the smallest amount of dignity, but you can love someone continually and care for them the rest of your life—even if they hurt you (sometimes, in the end, insert appropriate situation).
3. There’s a kind of longing that is so much that it physically hurts, and I don’t know if it’s all right to express this longing by words or saying it to the person you miss, but I do know that it exists.
4. Being calm is never easy. You force yourself to slow down, but when you do you realize how different the perspective is.
5. Is the search for enlightenment and peace futile? If we keep actively searching for it, will it keep eluding us? Right now I feel that we should learn to wait for it to come to us, and understand ourselves first before doing anything.
2. To love a person unconditionally is possible. You need to learn to accept things—and it’s harder to do than to say, definitely, but you need to learn that. There is a difference to being someone’s doormat and maintaining the smallest amount of dignity, but you can love someone continually and care for them the rest of your life—even if they hurt you (sometimes, in the end, insert appropriate situation).
3. There’s a kind of longing that is so much that it physically hurts, and I don’t know if it’s all right to express this longing by words or saying it to the person you miss, but I do know that it exists.
4. Being calm is never easy. You force yourself to slow down, but when you do you realize how different the perspective is.
5. Is the search for enlightenment and peace futile? If we keep actively searching for it, will it keep eluding us? Right now I feel that we should learn to wait for it to come to us, and understand ourselves first before doing anything.
heartbreakeryou
But my heart,
it don’t beat,
it don’t beat the way it used to.
And my eyes,
they don’t see you no more.
And my lips,
they don’t kiss,
they don’t kiss the way they used to,
and my eyes don’t recognize you at all
it don’t beat,
it don’t beat the way it used to.
And my eyes,
they don’t see you no more.
And my lips,
they don’t kiss,
they don’t kiss the way they used to,
and my eyes don’t recognize you at all
Saturday, December 12, 2009
If your not the one
If your not the one then why does my soul feel glad today
If your not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my calls
If you you are not mine would i have the strength to stand at all
I dont know what the future brings,
But i know you're here with me now
We'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
I dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
If i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
Is there anyway that i can stay in your arms
If i dont need you then why am i crying on my bed
If i dont need you then why does your name resound in my head
If your not for me then why does this distance name my life
If your not for me then why do i dream of you as my wife
I dont know why your so far away but i know this much is true
We'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
And i wish that you could be the one i die with
And i pray that your the one i build my home with
I hope i love you all my life
I dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
If i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
Is there anyway that i can stay in your arms
Cause i miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And i breathe you into my heart and i pray for the strength to stand today
Cause i love you whether its wrong or right and though i cant be with you tonight
And though my heart is by your side
If your not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my calls
If you you are not mine would i have the strength to stand at all
I dont know what the future brings,
But i know you're here with me now
We'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
I dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
If i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
Is there anyway that i can stay in your arms
If i dont need you then why am i crying on my bed
If i dont need you then why does your name resound in my head
If your not for me then why does this distance name my life
If your not for me then why do i dream of you as my wife
I dont know why your so far away but i know this much is true
We'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
And i wish that you could be the one i die with
And i pray that your the one i build my home with
I hope i love you all my life
I dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
If i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
Is there anyway that i can stay in your arms
Cause i miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And i breathe you into my heart and i pray for the strength to stand today
Cause i love you whether its wrong or right and though i cant be with you tonight
And though my heart is by your side
I havn't met you
"I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.
And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.
And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet".
Michael Buble - Haven't Met You
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.
And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.
And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet".
Michael Buble - Haven't Met You
I havn't met you
"I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.
And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.
And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet".
Michael Buble - Haven't Met You
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.
And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.
And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet".
Michael Buble - Haven't Met You
What I like about you
What I like about you
You hold me tight
Tell me I'm the only one
Wanna come over tonight, yeah...
Keep on whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things I wanna hear
Cuz it's true that's what I like about you
What I like about you
You really know how to dance
When you go up, down jump around
Talk about true romance, yeah...
Keep on whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things I wanna hear
Cuz it's true
That's what I like about you
HEY!"
You hold me tight
Tell me I'm the only one
Wanna come over tonight, yeah...
Keep on whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things I wanna hear
Cuz it's true that's what I like about you
What I like about you
You really know how to dance
When you go up, down jump around
Talk about true romance, yeah...
Keep on whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things I wanna hear
Cuz it's true
That's what I like about you
HEY!"
Am I?
Tell me, friends: Do I have the words loser and reject tattooed in neon on my forehead? I only ask because it seems like I've been a deadlier threat than a foaming-at-the-mouth rabid dog for the last week. In the last week, I've been called strange and too serious by the same guy. And the worst part is that I let this guy get under my skin and I shouldn't.
Honestly, I'm not too sure what exactly it is that I want, but I know for sure that something is missing - something that seems so far away right now and so utterly impossible. The last thing I want is to be that girl who scares away every single guy who crosses her path, but I'm afraid that's exactly what I'm becoming. And gosh, it just terrifies me.
It all comes down to this: I've been feeling this gnawing of self-consciousness creeping in. I've felt unpretty, unloveable and a rejection-worthy mess of late, and a certain guy's words sure didn't help much.
Honestly, I'm not too sure what exactly it is that I want, but I know for sure that something is missing - something that seems so far away right now and so utterly impossible. The last thing I want is to be that girl who scares away every single guy who crosses her path, but I'm afraid that's exactly what I'm becoming. And gosh, it just terrifies me.
It all comes down to this: I've been feeling this gnawing of self-consciousness creeping in. I've felt unpretty, unloveable and a rejection-worthy mess of late, and a certain guy's words sure didn't help much.
Great love
We stand here both proud, both wrong and right.
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight.
And our lives are so intertwined in one...
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone.
And you see it’s hard for me to breathe,
When I get all worked up with these feelings.
And I don’t know exactly how it is...
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist...
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists.
The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate,
While were drowning in rivers from our faces.
A trembling silence fills the air we stand here so impaired, so aware...
Like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this.
And I don’t know exactly how it is,
That just to say I’m right, your wrong, we both lose to win.
So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid,
Maybe we're just being dumb,
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized...
Like a flag in the wind we are one.
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely,
But in battle can be torn to shreds...
But with time and with patience and love and affection,
Can be fixed with needle and thread.
Because I love you and you love me,
And nothing will make this leave.
I said I love you and you love me,
And nothing will make this leave.
So remember me,
And don’t walk away...
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight.
And our lives are so intertwined in one...
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone.
And you see it’s hard for me to breathe,
When I get all worked up with these feelings.
And I don’t know exactly how it is...
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist...
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists.
The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate,
While were drowning in rivers from our faces.
A trembling silence fills the air we stand here so impaired, so aware...
Like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this.
And I don’t know exactly how it is,
That just to say I’m right, your wrong, we both lose to win.
So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid,
Maybe we're just being dumb,
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized...
Like a flag in the wind we are one.
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely,
But in battle can be torn to shreds...
But with time and with patience and love and affection,
Can be fixed with needle and thread.
Because I love you and you love me,
And nothing will make this leave.
I said I love you and you love me,
And nothing will make this leave.
So remember me,
And don’t walk away...
Greatest Fan
The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
And emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive -- not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
And I've dropped out
I've burned up
I've fought my way back from the dead
I've tuned in,
turned on,
remembered the things that you said
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your...
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
The greatest fan of your life....greatest fan of your life.
Stop me and steal my breath
And emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive -- not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
And I've dropped out
I've burned up
I've fought my way back from the dead
I've tuned in,
turned on,
remembered the things that you said
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your...
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
The greatest fan of your life....greatest fan of your life.
& maybe
& maybe we'll always fight,
& maybe I'll always win,
but according to you I'm always wrong.
& maybe we'll give up,
on this little thing.
& maybe the day will come
where we will finally finish.
but maybe,
you'll always give me make up kisses,
and you'll beg for my fogiveness.
but sometimes i'll be stubborn,
and pretend to not listen.
& maybe you'll try your hardest,
and i'll give it my best shot,
and perhaps we'll still lose it,
no matter what.
& maybe we'll end up together,
a bickering old pair.
constantly fighting, and then making up.
& maybe when I look at my life,
and at my future
you will always be there.
no matter what.
& maybe I'll always win,
but according to you I'm always wrong.
& maybe we'll give up,
on this little thing.
& maybe the day will come
where we will finally finish.
but maybe,
you'll always give me make up kisses,
and you'll beg for my fogiveness.
but sometimes i'll be stubborn,
and pretend to not listen.
& maybe you'll try your hardest,
and i'll give it my best shot,
and perhaps we'll still lose it,
no matter what.
& maybe we'll end up together,
a bickering old pair.
constantly fighting, and then making up.
& maybe when I look at my life,
and at my future
you will always be there.
no matter what.
Words by Sylvia
I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want to? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.
~Sylvia Plath~
~Sylvia Plath~
and there you are
here i am, remembering about us again. i don’t know why all this is coming back now. i’ve dealt with it in virtually every aspect of my life, because the similarities seem to come up in some way or another. and you know what? i haven’t let myself fall for anyone again. no one has made me feel the way you could make me feel, and i wonder if anyone ever will.
all i know right now is that i’ve grown up a lot since then. and it makes me smile every time i think about it. i guess because i don’t like to admit to myself that all that drama and all that attention back then, i loved it. i loved it at first when i wasn’t worried of the possibilities that came later. i loved the way you made me feel. i loved how you could always make me laugh, and how many times you’d catch my eye in the middle of that laughter, and for a moment i believed that things could be different.
deep down though, i guess i always knew they never would be.
that was the problem-- you were way out of my league, and i knew that. it made it so frustrating, so ironic, that i couldn’t help myself from having such a hopeless crush. but it was because you were different. you were one of the few guys i always had respect for, you were the one who i laughed with and looked forward to seeing every day. i don’t know if you knew it or not. everyone else sure did. but you gave me a chance, and i let down my guard. i tricked myself into having hope, when i so clearly shouldn’t have had any. and from there, i suddenly freaked out. i suddenly realized how much it was screwing me up, and i couldn’t do a thing about it.
for the past year, i’ve been trying to let it go. trying to move on with my life, avoiding any brush i might have with the past, avoiding any encounter i think i might have that would change the way things were. they were over. and i wanted myself to believe that.
but the thing is, it’s not over. i guess i’m just now realizing that it’s never going to be over. maybe i should have dealt with it better than i did. but i couldn't, and when i left, things were a mess. they still are. i thought it would go away; i thought i would forget you and everything we once were.
but i haven’t. i’ve wished so many times that i could forget, but there you are-- constantly on my mind, it seems, because tiny little things always trigger my memory. i try to push it away, instead of dealing with it. that’s what i do with anything that makes me uncomfortable. i suppose i should be learning how to understand my own emotions. i certainly have enough of them, and that’s hardly your fault. hell, i don’t even know why i’m writing this. it’s not like you’ll ever know what i think. i am a distant memory to you, if anything. i see you and i can tell what you're feeling. i know things will never be the same between us. you love her, and she's all that matters to you. she's all that will ever matter to you no matter what i do and no matter what i say. and even though every time i see you is a turning point in my life, it will hardly matter to yours.
i guess i should get used to that.
all i know right now is that i’ve grown up a lot since then. and it makes me smile every time i think about it. i guess because i don’t like to admit to myself that all that drama and all that attention back then, i loved it. i loved it at first when i wasn’t worried of the possibilities that came later. i loved the way you made me feel. i loved how you could always make me laugh, and how many times you’d catch my eye in the middle of that laughter, and for a moment i believed that things could be different.
deep down though, i guess i always knew they never would be.
that was the problem-- you were way out of my league, and i knew that. it made it so frustrating, so ironic, that i couldn’t help myself from having such a hopeless crush. but it was because you were different. you were one of the few guys i always had respect for, you were the one who i laughed with and looked forward to seeing every day. i don’t know if you knew it or not. everyone else sure did. but you gave me a chance, and i let down my guard. i tricked myself into having hope, when i so clearly shouldn’t have had any. and from there, i suddenly freaked out. i suddenly realized how much it was screwing me up, and i couldn’t do a thing about it.
for the past year, i’ve been trying to let it go. trying to move on with my life, avoiding any brush i might have with the past, avoiding any encounter i think i might have that would change the way things were. they were over. and i wanted myself to believe that.
but the thing is, it’s not over. i guess i’m just now realizing that it’s never going to be over. maybe i should have dealt with it better than i did. but i couldn't, and when i left, things were a mess. they still are. i thought it would go away; i thought i would forget you and everything we once were.
but i haven’t. i’ve wished so many times that i could forget, but there you are-- constantly on my mind, it seems, because tiny little things always trigger my memory. i try to push it away, instead of dealing with it. that’s what i do with anything that makes me uncomfortable. i suppose i should be learning how to understand my own emotions. i certainly have enough of them, and that’s hardly your fault. hell, i don’t even know why i’m writing this. it’s not like you’ll ever know what i think. i am a distant memory to you, if anything. i see you and i can tell what you're feeling. i know things will never be the same between us. you love her, and she's all that matters to you. she's all that will ever matter to you no matter what i do and no matter what i say. and even though every time i see you is a turning point in my life, it will hardly matter to yours.
i guess i should get used to that.
Summer is
Summer is....Long hot nights outside. Barbecues, salads, ice cold beer. Bronzed salty skin. Curly beach hair. Fresh flowers. Barefeet. No makeup. Strawberry chapstick and coconut sunblock. Iceblocks and ice creams. Vintage sunglasses and pretty floral dresses. Friends and family. Summer love.
Loving that person
The person I am in a relationship with wanted to kill me this year. Yep. True story. Yeah, I would say it’s been a pretty bad year for us.
Obviously, she can kind of be a b*tch. The thing is, because she knows me so intimately, she also knows exactly how to hurt me. Usually by bringing up some sordid detail from my (admittedly) imperfect past. She knows, for example, that I had sex with my best friends boyfriend. Scorns me for drinking too much. Chastises me for losing my temper with my mother. Ridicules me for me for my lack of knowledge on politics and current affairs. She knows every physical flaw on my body and draws attention to this frequently. Particularly before I leave the house on Saturday night.
And, okay... I’m a pretty awkward person. No, I mean really. I do the most ridiculous things. I accidentally ended an email to my University tutor with “xx” (yet still didn’t do well in that subject). I fill silences with questions like “So...do you....have....many people....in...your....family?”. Yep. It probably sounds insignificant, but in these situations she will always laugh at me...not with me (see, I told you. Total b*tch).
I’m making it sound almost comical, but this year she’s destroyed my self-esteem. She’s like Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, only meaner. Because of her, it’s really difficult to let other people close to me. I don’t feel worthy. And in some ways her criticisms have become self-fulfilling prophecies. She has told me I’m un-lovable enough that I’m starting to act that way.
The thing is, I can’t break up with this person. I know with full certainty that I will be with this person ‘till the very end. Because this person is me.
Yet, I know I’m not as horrible as I sound. Because I’m on this website. I truly believe in love. And I know most of you reading this must as well. But it all starts within. Last year was painful, but it bought clarity. This year I’m going to really work on the most significant relationship of my life: the one with myself. And I’m starting right now, not on New Years Eve. I want to start 2010 properly.
I know it will require more than just a decision to love myself. Because, honestly, the past year has damaged me. I don’t completely like who I am right now. But self-hatred has done me no favours, it’s time to let go of the inner Meryl Streep: this year I will allow myself to make mistakes in the knowledge that I’m truly trying to grow into a person that I just don’t tolerate, but someone that I truly love. Because, as Oscar Wilde said “To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”.
Obviously, she can kind of be a b*tch. The thing is, because she knows me so intimately, she also knows exactly how to hurt me. Usually by bringing up some sordid detail from my (admittedly) imperfect past. She knows, for example, that I had sex with my best friends boyfriend. Scorns me for drinking too much. Chastises me for losing my temper with my mother. Ridicules me for me for my lack of knowledge on politics and current affairs. She knows every physical flaw on my body and draws attention to this frequently. Particularly before I leave the house on Saturday night.
And, okay... I’m a pretty awkward person. No, I mean really. I do the most ridiculous things. I accidentally ended an email to my University tutor with “xx” (yet still didn’t do well in that subject). I fill silences with questions like “So...do you....have....many people....in...your....family?”. Yep. It probably sounds insignificant, but in these situations she will always laugh at me...not with me (see, I told you. Total b*tch).
I’m making it sound almost comical, but this year she’s destroyed my self-esteem. She’s like Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, only meaner. Because of her, it’s really difficult to let other people close to me. I don’t feel worthy. And in some ways her criticisms have become self-fulfilling prophecies. She has told me I’m un-lovable enough that I’m starting to act that way.
The thing is, I can’t break up with this person. I know with full certainty that I will be with this person ‘till the very end. Because this person is me.
Yet, I know I’m not as horrible as I sound. Because I’m on this website. I truly believe in love. And I know most of you reading this must as well. But it all starts within. Last year was painful, but it bought clarity. This year I’m going to really work on the most significant relationship of my life: the one with myself. And I’m starting right now, not on New Years Eve. I want to start 2010 properly.
I know it will require more than just a decision to love myself. Because, honestly, the past year has damaged me. I don’t completely like who I am right now. But self-hatred has done me no favours, it’s time to let go of the inner Meryl Streep: this year I will allow myself to make mistakes in the knowledge that I’m truly trying to grow into a person that I just don’t tolerate, but someone that I truly love. Because, as Oscar Wilde said “To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Marry me, baby
Baby I've got this crazy idea I just can't get out of my head.
You see I've had it for a while now, and something must be said.
You know I've thought about it quite a bit, and I just have to say,
I'll regret it for the rest of time, if I'm not your wife one day.
I know it sounds absurd, and I know I'm awfully young,
but what we've got is out of this world and I can't stop what has begun.
I have these visions in my head of growing old together,
and I promise I'll stay true to you no matter what the weather.
I think you are my perfect match I never thought I'd find,
April 21st there you were and how I wished that you were mine.
I couldn't bear to spend all my days without you by my side,
my life's a rollercoaster but I need you on the ride.
I promise I'll clean the house every day and cook dinner for you too,
I'll sing the kids to sleep and do all there is to do.
I'll make you smile when you frown, listen to what you have to say,
I'll be good just wait and see I'll prove myself one day.
I think Pablo and Sheleesia are a match that's made to be,
We'll be like Buzz and Woody if you do this one thing for me.
Make my dreams come true, you'll call me yours, I'll call you mine.
Just promise me forever, and for the rest of time.
You see I've had it for a while now, and something must be said.
You know I've thought about it quite a bit, and I just have to say,
I'll regret it for the rest of time, if I'm not your wife one day.
I know it sounds absurd, and I know I'm awfully young,
but what we've got is out of this world and I can't stop what has begun.
I have these visions in my head of growing old together,
and I promise I'll stay true to you no matter what the weather.
I think you are my perfect match I never thought I'd find,
April 21st there you were and how I wished that you were mine.
I couldn't bear to spend all my days without you by my side,
my life's a rollercoaster but I need you on the ride.
I promise I'll clean the house every day and cook dinner for you too,
I'll sing the kids to sleep and do all there is to do.
I'll make you smile when you frown, listen to what you have to say,
I'll be good just wait and see I'll prove myself one day.
I think Pablo and Sheleesia are a match that's made to be,
We'll be like Buzz and Woody if you do this one thing for me.
Make my dreams come true, you'll call me yours, I'll call you mine.
Just promise me forever, and for the rest of time.
Marry me, baby
Baby I've got this crazy idea I just can't get out of my head.
You see I've had it for a while now, and something must be said.
You know I've thought about it quite a bit, and I just have to say,
I'll regret it for the rest of time, if I'm not your wife one day.
I know it sounds absurd, and I know I'm awfully young,
but what we've got is out of this world and I can't stop what has begun.
I have these visions in my head of growing old together,
and I promise I'll stay true to you no matter what the weather.
I think you are my perfect match I never thought I'd find,
April 21st there you were and how I wished that you were mine.
I couldn't bear to spend all my days without you by my side,
my life's a rollercoaster but I need you on the ride.
I promise I'll clean the house every day and cook dinner for you too,
I'll sing the kids to sleep and do all there is to do.
I'll make you smile when you frown, listen to what you have to say,
I'll be good just wait and see I'll prove myself one day.
I think Pablo and Sheleesia are a match that's made to be,
We'll be like Buzz and Woody if you do this one thing for me.
Make my dreams come true, you'll call me yours, I'll call you mine.
Just promise me forever, and for the rest of time.
You see I've had it for a while now, and something must be said.
You know I've thought about it quite a bit, and I just have to say,
I'll regret it for the rest of time, if I'm not your wife one day.
I know it sounds absurd, and I know I'm awfully young,
but what we've got is out of this world and I can't stop what has begun.
I have these visions in my head of growing old together,
and I promise I'll stay true to you no matter what the weather.
I think you are my perfect match I never thought I'd find,
April 21st there you were and how I wished that you were mine.
I couldn't bear to spend all my days without you by my side,
my life's a rollercoaster but I need you on the ride.
I promise I'll clean the house every day and cook dinner for you too,
I'll sing the kids to sleep and do all there is to do.
I'll make you smile when you frown, listen to what you have to say,
I'll be good just wait and see I'll prove myself one day.
I think Pablo and Sheleesia are a match that's made to be,
We'll be like Buzz and Woody if you do this one thing for me.
Make my dreams come true, you'll call me yours, I'll call you mine.
Just promise me forever, and for the rest of time.
the boy
He's the boy I'd like to meet five years from now
Meeting again on a crowded city street where I could see
He's got his life all figured out
There's so much he could be, so much he could do
It makes me just want to scream out, "I see the potential in you"
I dream of all the possibilities
That could lie ahead for that boy and me
Maybe we'll meet again on a street corner
Maybe our eyes will find each other in a smoky corridor
We'll both be different people, but will have finally met in the middle
In five years
It'll be like meeting for the first time
And we'll both know it feels right
And I'll tell him how happy I am to see him again
He'll be a man, but still have that playful, boyish grin
I dream of all the possibilities
That could lie ahead for that boy and me
Maybe we'll meet again on a street corner
Maybe our eyes will find each other in a smoky corridor
We'll both be different people, but will have finally met in the middle
In five years
When he looks at me, one thing will still be the same
Those brown eyes will still take my breath away
I dream of all the possibilities
That could lie ahead for that boy and me
Maybe we'll meet again on a street corner
Maybe our eyes will find each other in a smoky corridor
We'll both be different people, but will have finally met in the middle
In five years
I dream of all the possibilities
That could lie ahead for that boy and me
Maybe we'll meet again on a street corner
Maybe our eyes will find each other in a smoky corridor
We'll both be different people, but will have finally met in the middle
In five years
For the next five years, I'll smile when I turn
Past every street corner
Meeting again on a crowded city street where I could see
He's got his life all figured out
There's so much he could be, so much he could do
It makes me just want to scream out, "I see the potential in you"
I dream of all the possibilities
That could lie ahead for that boy and me
Maybe we'll meet again on a street corner
Maybe our eyes will find each other in a smoky corridor
We'll both be different people, but will have finally met in the middle
In five years
It'll be like meeting for the first time
And we'll both know it feels right
And I'll tell him how happy I am to see him again
He'll be a man, but still have that playful, boyish grin
I dream of all the possibilities
That could lie ahead for that boy and me
Maybe we'll meet again on a street corner
Maybe our eyes will find each other in a smoky corridor
We'll both be different people, but will have finally met in the middle
In five years
When he looks at me, one thing will still be the same
Those brown eyes will still take my breath away
I dream of all the possibilities
That could lie ahead for that boy and me
Maybe we'll meet again on a street corner
Maybe our eyes will find each other in a smoky corridor
We'll both be different people, but will have finally met in the middle
In five years
I dream of all the possibilities
That could lie ahead for that boy and me
Maybe we'll meet again on a street corner
Maybe our eyes will find each other in a smoky corridor
We'll both be different people, but will have finally met in the middle
In five years
For the next five years, I'll smile when I turn
Past every street corner
In love?
I need to write. I need to write, paint, cry it all away. I've found love, as ridiculous and impossible as that is. For me, anyway. I am a cynical person. In everything and everyone, I find fault.
I believe in love, I really believe in love. But for so long I've been too cynical, too logical, too damn scared to feel it.
I believe in love, I really believe in love. But for so long I've been too cynical, too logical, too damn scared to feel it.
Your love is hot
Your Love is... Hot
by Mastin Kipp
Your Love is HOT
As hot as steel rod that's been stoking a blacksmith's fire for ages
When I look at you, you glow like a million suns
All shining for no reason other than
Because they love the Light
And when your Light shines on me
It burns hot
Oh my muse, knowing you walk the Earth
Gives me great comfort
I would walk into your hot fire
Knowing it will burn me
But also knowing
That's how I go towards the Light
It is you, the One who see's right through me
Who I see, too...
You are the best I could ever ask for
There have been none greater, nor will there be
For you are the Heavens and the Earth
All in one
Your Light calls me
And beckons me to become my best
What courage, but tonight we die
To become something more,
To walk on the knife's edge
And become brand new
by Mastin Kipp
Your Love is HOT
As hot as steel rod that's been stoking a blacksmith's fire for ages
When I look at you, you glow like a million suns
All shining for no reason other than
Because they love the Light
And when your Light shines on me
It burns hot
Oh my muse, knowing you walk the Earth
Gives me great comfort
I would walk into your hot fire
Knowing it will burn me
But also knowing
That's how I go towards the Light
It is you, the One who see's right through me
Who I see, too...
You are the best I could ever ask for
There have been none greater, nor will there be
For you are the Heavens and the Earth
All in one
Your Light calls me
And beckons me to become my best
What courage, but tonight we die
To become something more,
To walk on the knife's edge
And become brand new
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
if your not the one
If your not the one then why does my soul feel glad today
If your not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my calls
If you you are not mine would i have the strength to stand at all
I dont know what the future brings,
But i know you're here with me now
We'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
I dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
If i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
Is there anyway that i can stay in your arms
If i dont need you then why am i crying on my bed
If i dont need you then why does your name resound in my head
If your not for me then why does this distance name my life
If your not for me then why do i dream of you as my wife
I dont know why your so far away but i know this much is true
We'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
And i wish that you could be the one i die with
And i pray that your the one i build my home with
I hope i love you all my life
I dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
If i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
Is there anyway that i can stay in your arms
Cause i miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And i breathe you into my heart and i pray for the strength to stand today
Cause i love you whether its wrong or right and though i cant be with you tonight
And though my heart is by your side
If your not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my calls
If you you are not mine would i have the strength to stand at all
I dont know what the future brings,
But i know you're here with me now
We'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
I dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
If i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
Is there anyway that i can stay in your arms
If i dont need you then why am i crying on my bed
If i dont need you then why does your name resound in my head
If your not for me then why does this distance name my life
If your not for me then why do i dream of you as my wife
I dont know why your so far away but i know this much is true
We'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
And i wish that you could be the one i die with
And i pray that your the one i build my home with
I hope i love you all my life
I dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
If i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
Is there anyway that i can stay in your arms
Cause i miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And i breathe you into my heart and i pray for the strength to stand today
Cause i love you whether its wrong or right and though i cant be with you tonight
And though my heart is by your side
i used to wish
I used to wish for perfect,
I used to wish I could not fail,
I used to wish that life were easy,
I used to want a fairy tale.
I used to wish there was no anger,
I used to wish there were no tears,
I used to wish there was no judgement,
I used to wish there was no fear.
I used to wish for pure perfection,
but now I can clearly see,
that perfection isn't perfect,
and perfection isn't me.
Imperfection is beauty -
which I've learned along the way...
imperfect me is beautiful,
no matter what you say.
Sadness makes us human,
and trials make us strong,
mistakes made are lessons learned,
and crying isn't wrong.
Pain reminds me I'm alive,
fallen dreams are tough.
But failure means I'm trying,
and trying is enough.
I may be bent and broken,
and life may be unfair,
I'm not yet who I wish to be,
but I'm slowly getting there.
Imperfections make life beautiful,
and now I clearly see,
with lifes imperfections,
it's still as perfect as can be.
I used to wish I could not fail,
I used to wish that life were easy,
I used to want a fairy tale.
I used to wish there was no anger,
I used to wish there were no tears,
I used to wish there was no judgement,
I used to wish there was no fear.
I used to wish for pure perfection,
but now I can clearly see,
that perfection isn't perfect,
and perfection isn't me.
Imperfection is beauty -
which I've learned along the way...
imperfect me is beautiful,
no matter what you say.
Sadness makes us human,
and trials make us strong,
mistakes made are lessons learned,
and crying isn't wrong.
Pain reminds me I'm alive,
fallen dreams are tough.
But failure means I'm trying,
and trying is enough.
I may be bent and broken,
and life may be unfair,
I'm not yet who I wish to be,
but I'm slowly getting there.
Imperfections make life beautiful,
and now I clearly see,
with lifes imperfections,
it's still as perfect as can be.
Friday, November 27, 2009
nothing
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories
Thursday, November 26, 2009
I hate the girl
I hate the girl that is so in love
I hate the girl that is so in love she blushes the minute he walks into the room
I hate the girl that is so in love she Can’t think of anything but him
I hate the girl that is so in love she becomes speechless
I hate the girl that is so in love that the only movie she can see is The Notebook
I hate the girl that is so in love she feels sick When he is not with her
I hate the girl that is so in love she imagines their entire future together
I hate the girl that is so in love she becomes naive
The reason I hate this girl is because she is me. You might be wondering what the reason for all the hate is. The reason is simple, the girl’s love, my love was and will never be answered
I hate the girl that is so in love she blushes the minute he walks into the room
I hate the girl that is so in love she Can’t think of anything but him
I hate the girl that is so in love she becomes speechless
I hate the girl that is so in love that the only movie she can see is The Notebook
I hate the girl that is so in love she feels sick When he is not with her
I hate the girl that is so in love she imagines their entire future together
I hate the girl that is so in love she becomes naive
The reason I hate this girl is because she is me. You might be wondering what the reason for all the hate is. The reason is simple, the girl’s love, my love was and will never be answered
it wasnt right
He was my best friend. That one person in my life that truly meant everything to me. I knew that no matter what I did or what I said, he always accepted me for who I was. He loved me no matter what. And not just like a friend.
I knew he had those kinds of feelings for me, I always had. Our friendship started with him saying that he was in love with me. We had known each other for a while then, but only very shallow. I had a small crush on him too, so we started hanging out. While my feelings grew into friendship, his only grew stronger.
We were both very open with how we felt about each other. I think that is what made our friendship so honest, deep and strong. For almost a year, we hung out almost every day, and became the best of friends but nothing more. I hated it. I could see how he just fell apart every time he saw me with a boy. Knowing that it was I who made him feel like… It created a big hole in my heart. I think it was these feelings that made me do what I did.
During the summer we almost didn’t see each other for two months. I missed him more than anyone else and in the back of my head; I started to wander if I wasn’t falling in love with him. I created these pictures in my head of how I would tell him and how happy he would be and how easy our relationship would be. Because we already knew each other. It would be perfect. And easy. Maybe I should say that around this time, my life was anything but easy. At home, it was chaos, I hated school and I had just gotten out of a relationship that was horrible. I needed easy.
At the end of the summer when we finally saw each other again, I decided to tell him. We kissed and I asked him if he still was in love with me, which he was. But I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t right. Kissing him didn’t make me feel all happy and walking on clouds. It made me want to get out of there. I wasn’t attracted to him at all. When he wanted to kiss me, I turned my head away, when he wanted to hold my hand, I put it in my pocket and when he wanted to see me, I made up excuses so that I couldn’t. All that was supposed to be so easy was just so wrong.
A few weeks went by and he started noticing. Finally, he confronted me and asked me what was going on. At that point, I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t lie to him. So I told him. I told I didn’t have any feelings for him, and that I probably never had. I told him that it just had been so convenient to be with him. I wanted him t be angry, I wanted him to yell at me, but he didn’t. When I cried and said that I was sorry, he took me in his arms, stroke my hair and told me that it was going to be okay. That he would always be there for me, that he always would be my best friend and that I could never lose him.
So we continued to be best friends. We didn’t even mention it again. All he said was that I meant too much for him, he had t see me, even if it meant just being friends. Weeks flew by and it was all back to normal. Until one night. I had had a bit too much to drink at a party and so right in front of him, I made out with a boy I didn’t even know. 3 am that night I got a text message from him where it said that he couldn’t see me anymore. It hurt too much.
That night, I cried. I cried for two weeks. I couldn’t believe what I had done to him. My best friend who I loved. Hadn’t I hurt him enough already? I was playing with his feelings like it was just another game. I was supposed to be that person he always could count on. And now, I had destroyed him. Since that night, I haven’t met him or talked to him. It was six months ago. And since that night, a huge part of my life is missing. Just because I wanted something easy.
I knew he had those kinds of feelings for me, I always had. Our friendship started with him saying that he was in love with me. We had known each other for a while then, but only very shallow. I had a small crush on him too, so we started hanging out. While my feelings grew into friendship, his only grew stronger.
We were both very open with how we felt about each other. I think that is what made our friendship so honest, deep and strong. For almost a year, we hung out almost every day, and became the best of friends but nothing more. I hated it. I could see how he just fell apart every time he saw me with a boy. Knowing that it was I who made him feel like… It created a big hole in my heart. I think it was these feelings that made me do what I did.
During the summer we almost didn’t see each other for two months. I missed him more than anyone else and in the back of my head; I started to wander if I wasn’t falling in love with him. I created these pictures in my head of how I would tell him and how happy he would be and how easy our relationship would be. Because we already knew each other. It would be perfect. And easy. Maybe I should say that around this time, my life was anything but easy. At home, it was chaos, I hated school and I had just gotten out of a relationship that was horrible. I needed easy.
At the end of the summer when we finally saw each other again, I decided to tell him. We kissed and I asked him if he still was in love with me, which he was. But I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t right. Kissing him didn’t make me feel all happy and walking on clouds. It made me want to get out of there. I wasn’t attracted to him at all. When he wanted to kiss me, I turned my head away, when he wanted to hold my hand, I put it in my pocket and when he wanted to see me, I made up excuses so that I couldn’t. All that was supposed to be so easy was just so wrong.
A few weeks went by and he started noticing. Finally, he confronted me and asked me what was going on. At that point, I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t lie to him. So I told him. I told I didn’t have any feelings for him, and that I probably never had. I told him that it just had been so convenient to be with him. I wanted him t be angry, I wanted him to yell at me, but he didn’t. When I cried and said that I was sorry, he took me in his arms, stroke my hair and told me that it was going to be okay. That he would always be there for me, that he always would be my best friend and that I could never lose him.
So we continued to be best friends. We didn’t even mention it again. All he said was that I meant too much for him, he had t see me, even if it meant just being friends. Weeks flew by and it was all back to normal. Until one night. I had had a bit too much to drink at a party and so right in front of him, I made out with a boy I didn’t even know. 3 am that night I got a text message from him where it said that he couldn’t see me anymore. It hurt too much.
That night, I cried. I cried for two weeks. I couldn’t believe what I had done to him. My best friend who I loved. Hadn’t I hurt him enough already? I was playing with his feelings like it was just another game. I was supposed to be that person he always could count on. And now, I had destroyed him. Since that night, I haven’t met him or talked to him. It was six months ago. And since that night, a huge part of my life is missing. Just because I wanted something easy.
Come what may
For the longest time I thought I'd lost the best of me
But I won't quit now and that's for sure
All I ever wanted was for you to look at me
And know I'm all yours
Like the penguins need their wings for deep cold water dives
Like the earth needs the moon to keep it on course
When you touch me, I know there is purpose in my life
Just know I'm all yours
I'm a mess, I confess that I'm nothing without you
And there is nothing I can do to prove to you I'm being honest
Now I see, everything; and yes I've known it all along I was so lost
but I'm back and I finally know now where my heart belongs
I've been wondering if you could ever realize
That we're growing up so fast, and it's insane
My dear our hearts have gotten good at pumping cheap new lust
Into our young veins
All this time I've spent without you by my side, I dreamt about you
Saw you through the windows in my mind
Carved a home for you deep down inside my chest
And I never want to lose such a big part of me again
But I won't quit now and that's for sure
All I ever wanted was for you to look at me
And know I'm all yours
Like the penguins need their wings for deep cold water dives
Like the earth needs the moon to keep it on course
When you touch me, I know there is purpose in my life
Just know I'm all yours
I'm a mess, I confess that I'm nothing without you
And there is nothing I can do to prove to you I'm being honest
Now I see, everything; and yes I've known it all along I was so lost
but I'm back and I finally know now where my heart belongs
I've been wondering if you could ever realize
That we're growing up so fast, and it's insane
My dear our hearts have gotten good at pumping cheap new lust
Into our young veins
All this time I've spent without you by my side, I dreamt about you
Saw you through the windows in my mind
Carved a home for you deep down inside my chest
And I never want to lose such a big part of me again
I forgot
I forgot the way you use to intertwine your fingers with mine.
I forgot the way you would move in right before you kissed me on the forehead.
I forgot what forever feels like.
I forgot what it's like to feel beautiful. You never failed to remind me.
I forgot what it's like to wake up with a reason.
I forgot the way your words would sound when you whispered that you loved me.
I forgot what it's like to have a best friend.
I forgot what it feels like to live.
I forgot the way you would move in right before you kissed me on the forehead.
I forgot what forever feels like.
I forgot what it's like to feel beautiful. You never failed to remind me.
I forgot what it's like to wake up with a reason.
I forgot the way your words would sound when you whispered that you loved me.
I forgot what it's like to have a best friend.
I forgot what it feels like to live.
Crush boy
When I was 13 and met Crush Boy for the first time, I had pretty much decided it was love at first sight. Only a few months after we met. It had to be, or at least that's what I told my diary in...every...single...entry. Now, I was only 13, mind you, which is quick young, don't you think? And brace yourself: By the time I'd turned 15, I vowed (in full-on seriousness here, as only a teenage girl can pull off), I declared that I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him.
Well, flashforward some 15 years, and we're living happily ever after with two beautiful children and a dog, in a gorgeous house with a a green lawn on which we spend our evenings drinking lemonade and waxing poetic about how romantic our story turned out.
Can you detect my tone of sarcasm? Sadly, no, things didn't turn out that way...
So now I feel like I want to take a step back from starry-eyed love and rose-colored glasses and look at love from another angle. Maybe starry-eyed love moments that involve Hugh Grant or John Cusack lookalikes really only do exist in romantic comedies that have everything nicely scripted. I'd love to hear what you think...
Well, flashforward some 15 years, and we're living happily ever after with two beautiful children and a dog, in a gorgeous house with a a green lawn on which we spend our evenings drinking lemonade and waxing poetic about how romantic our story turned out.
Can you detect my tone of sarcasm? Sadly, no, things didn't turn out that way...
So now I feel like I want to take a step back from starry-eyed love and rose-colored glasses and look at love from another angle. Maybe starry-eyed love moments that involve Hugh Grant or John Cusack lookalikes really only do exist in romantic comedies that have everything nicely scripted. I'd love to hear what you think...
I love you?
My body might be shallow to the touch
We don’t mind though,
Do we?
Do you?
These girls are inside-out
I hope you get me right side-in.
And I think of that one night,
Together, breathing, twisted
Beautiful.
You saying you think I’m beautiful.
I tried so hard not to Cry.
Singing, skinny love, in your car
Do you remember how we started?
Basements.
Never a tear touched my pillow then
So how come now, when everything is perfect
I wake up crying?
I think,
What will I do…
When this is over.
I told you once that I like how we do things.
No months.
You told me we do things right.
Well,
I think we should celebrate.
We are only this young for so many twisted nights.
I want you to have them.
I want you to have it.
Why am I crying, and
Why am I afraid to say
I love you....
You know I do
We don’t mind though,
Do we?
Do you?
These girls are inside-out
I hope you get me right side-in.
And I think of that one night,
Together, breathing, twisted
Beautiful.
You saying you think I’m beautiful.
I tried so hard not to Cry.
Singing, skinny love, in your car
Do you remember how we started?
Basements.
Never a tear touched my pillow then
So how come now, when everything is perfect
I wake up crying?
I think,
What will I do…
When this is over.
I told you once that I like how we do things.
No months.
You told me we do things right.
Well,
I think we should celebrate.
We are only this young for so many twisted nights.
I want you to have them.
I want you to have it.
Why am I crying, and
Why am I afraid to say
I love you....
You know I do
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Out of my head
What do you know, I'm not surprised that here I am
Sitting and playing the fool again
Why do I keep letting you get to me?
You told me yesterday that you met a great girl
And I'd be lying if I said those words didn't hurt a little
So instead I'll just smile, hoping that will hide my misery
You're like a trainwreck barreling through my heart
The kind where you can see the crash before it happens
I know these tracks will only lead me back to you
But for once, I'll just pray for a happy accident
Your eyes, maybe they wouldn't burn like a candle inside my soul
If only I could just get you out of my head
Your smile, maybe it wouldn't remind me so much of home
And maybe your voice, it wouldn't sound like such a sweet symphony
With every words you've ever said to me
If only I could just get you out of my head
Maybe I really could forget all those things you do to me
And not just secretly want you instead
If only I could just get you out of my head
You see me every day
But the way I look at you, it's not quite the same
I'm trying to hard not to give in and throw caution to the wind
When all I really want to do is kiss you
Don't want to keep missing you when you're so close to me
You're like a trainwreck barreling through my heart
The kind where you can see the crash before it happens
I know these tracks will only lead me back to you
But for once, I'll just pray for a happy accident
Your eyes, maybe they wouldn't burn like a candle inside my soul
If only I could just get you out of my head
Your smile, maybe it wouldn't remind me so much of home
And maybe your voice, it wouldn't sound like such a sweet symphony
With every word you've ever said to me
If only I could just get you out of my head
Maybe I really could forget all those things you do to me
And not just secretly want you instead
If only I could just get you out of my head
It feels like I'm drowning in your eyes too fast, too soon
You've got me saying things I've never said before
But you don't see me falling into you
Your eyes, maybe they wouldn't burn like a candle inside my soul
If only I could just get you out of my head
Your smile, maybe it wouldn't remind me so much of home
And maybe your voice, it wouldn't sound like such a sweet symphony
With every word you've ever said to me
If only I could just get you out of my head
Maybe I really could forget all those things you do to me
And not just secretly want you instead
If only I could just get you out of my head
Your eyes, maybe they wouldn't burn like a candle inside my soul
If only I could just get you out of my head
Your smile, maybe it wouldn't remind me so much of home
And maybe your voice, it wouldn't sound like such a sweet symphony
With every word you've ever said to me
If only I could just get you out of my head
Maybe I really could forget all those things you do to me
And not just secretly want you instead
If only I could just get you out of my head
If only I could just get you out of my head
But knowing me, I'd just wish you'd come back again
Sitting and playing the fool again
Why do I keep letting you get to me?
You told me yesterday that you met a great girl
And I'd be lying if I said those words didn't hurt a little
So instead I'll just smile, hoping that will hide my misery
You're like a trainwreck barreling through my heart
The kind where you can see the crash before it happens
I know these tracks will only lead me back to you
But for once, I'll just pray for a happy accident
Your eyes, maybe they wouldn't burn like a candle inside my soul
If only I could just get you out of my head
Your smile, maybe it wouldn't remind me so much of home
And maybe your voice, it wouldn't sound like such a sweet symphony
With every words you've ever said to me
If only I could just get you out of my head
Maybe I really could forget all those things you do to me
And not just secretly want you instead
If only I could just get you out of my head
You see me every day
But the way I look at you, it's not quite the same
I'm trying to hard not to give in and throw caution to the wind
When all I really want to do is kiss you
Don't want to keep missing you when you're so close to me
You're like a trainwreck barreling through my heart
The kind where you can see the crash before it happens
I know these tracks will only lead me back to you
But for once, I'll just pray for a happy accident
Your eyes, maybe they wouldn't burn like a candle inside my soul
If only I could just get you out of my head
Your smile, maybe it wouldn't remind me so much of home
And maybe your voice, it wouldn't sound like such a sweet symphony
With every word you've ever said to me
If only I could just get you out of my head
Maybe I really could forget all those things you do to me
And not just secretly want you instead
If only I could just get you out of my head
It feels like I'm drowning in your eyes too fast, too soon
You've got me saying things I've never said before
But you don't see me falling into you
Your eyes, maybe they wouldn't burn like a candle inside my soul
If only I could just get you out of my head
Your smile, maybe it wouldn't remind me so much of home
And maybe your voice, it wouldn't sound like such a sweet symphony
With every word you've ever said to me
If only I could just get you out of my head
Maybe I really could forget all those things you do to me
And not just secretly want you instead
If only I could just get you out of my head
Your eyes, maybe they wouldn't burn like a candle inside my soul
If only I could just get you out of my head
Your smile, maybe it wouldn't remind me so much of home
And maybe your voice, it wouldn't sound like such a sweet symphony
With every word you've ever said to me
If only I could just get you out of my head
Maybe I really could forget all those things you do to me
And not just secretly want you instead
If only I could just get you out of my head
If only I could just get you out of my head
But knowing me, I'd just wish you'd come back again
Walking with a ghost
Out of my mind, out of my mind
I was walking with a ghost
I said please, please don't insist
I was walking with a ghost
I was walking with a ghost
I said please, please don't insist
I was walking with a ghost
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Brown eyes
You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now
But your brown eyes, they still get to me somehow
The way you walk around as if your life were a movie
You look at me with those brown eyes and I'm hypnotized
What was I doing letting you become my Kryptonite?
And letting you keep on fooling me?
I waited around so long thinking you'd change your mind
And now looking behind me, seeing how far you've strung me along
It's sad to see what I've become
Those brown eyes, you wield them like weapons
Dragging me down just to hide your deception
I'm starting to see a different picture now
Those brown eyes that used to swoon me
Just burn right through me and so easily bruise me
As if you never knew me
That old feeling's gone
And now, no matter what you do
Those brown eyes will always leave me blue
It's sad to hear the truth
Knowing you could never love anyone as much as you
I can't say I never tried to let you in
But you always left me on the outside
Too bad it took me so long to realize
That in the end, I couldn't even be your friend
I waited around so long thinking you'd change your mind
And now looking behind me, seeing how far you've strung me along
It's sad to see what I've become
Those brown eyes, you wield them like weapons
Dragging me down just to hide your deception
I'm starting to see a different picture now
Those brown eyes that used to swoon me
Just burn right through me and so easily bruise me
As if you never knew me
That old feeling's gone
And now, no matter what you do
Those brown eyes will always leave me blue
I apologized for everything you did
As you walked away wearing a silent grin
I waited around so long thinking you'd change your mind
And now looking behind me, seeing how far you've strung me along
It's sad to see what I've become
Those brown eyes, you wield them like weapons
Dragging me down just to hide your deception
I'm startThose brown eyes that used to swoon me
Just burn right through me and so easily bruise me
As if you never knew me
That old feeling's gone
And now, no matter what you do
Those brown eyes will always leave me blue
Those brown eyes, you wield them like weapons
Dragging me down just to hide your deception
I'm startThose brown eyes that used to swoon me
Just burn right through me and so easily bruise me
As if you never knew me
That old feeling's gone
And now, no matter what you do
Those brown eyes will always leave me blue
But your brown eyes, they still get to me somehow
The way you walk around as if your life were a movie
You look at me with those brown eyes and I'm hypnotized
What was I doing letting you become my Kryptonite?
And letting you keep on fooling me?
I waited around so long thinking you'd change your mind
And now looking behind me, seeing how far you've strung me along
It's sad to see what I've become
Those brown eyes, you wield them like weapons
Dragging me down just to hide your deception
I'm starting to see a different picture now
Those brown eyes that used to swoon me
Just burn right through me and so easily bruise me
As if you never knew me
That old feeling's gone
And now, no matter what you do
Those brown eyes will always leave me blue
It's sad to hear the truth
Knowing you could never love anyone as much as you
I can't say I never tried to let you in
But you always left me on the outside
Too bad it took me so long to realize
That in the end, I couldn't even be your friend
I waited around so long thinking you'd change your mind
And now looking behind me, seeing how far you've strung me along
It's sad to see what I've become
Those brown eyes, you wield them like weapons
Dragging me down just to hide your deception
I'm starting to see a different picture now
Those brown eyes that used to swoon me
Just burn right through me and so easily bruise me
As if you never knew me
That old feeling's gone
And now, no matter what you do
Those brown eyes will always leave me blue
I apologized for everything you did
As you walked away wearing a silent grin
I waited around so long thinking you'd change your mind
And now looking behind me, seeing how far you've strung me along
It's sad to see what I've become
Those brown eyes, you wield them like weapons
Dragging me down just to hide your deception
I'm startThose brown eyes that used to swoon me
Just burn right through me and so easily bruise me
As if you never knew me
That old feeling's gone
And now, no matter what you do
Those brown eyes will always leave me blue
Those brown eyes, you wield them like weapons
Dragging me down just to hide your deception
I'm startThose brown eyes that used to swoon me
Just burn right through me and so easily bruise me
As if you never knew me
That old feeling's gone
And now, no matter what you do
Those brown eyes will always leave me blue
Yuck
Have you ever had that pit in your stomach, hole in your heart, want to fall asleep and never wake up, crying in the shower sort of feeling?
Totally had it today.
And it's totally been falling me around lately.
(So not a fan).
Totally had it today.
And it's totally been falling me around lately.
(So not a fan).
The kind of guy
he kind of guy who will watch me work
getting charcoal all over my hands which eventually
make it to my cheeks and he’ll laugh at me but
wet his thumb with his tongue
and gently take them off my
elbows and my
face
The kind of guy who wouldn’t mind taking his shirt and pants
off for me in the privacy of my studio
to sketch, but of course
I probably wouldn’t subject him to that
kind of thing in the first
place
The kind of guy who’d hold my hand and not my ass when
we walked around town and other places
and talked then he’d tickle me and I’d give
chase
The kind of guy who cries whenever he feels
sad or broken up inside or happy
he’d let me dry his tears because I wanted to
and let me comfort him any time he needed
grace
The kind of guy who doesn’t mind that I’m not like
magazine people cause I’m healthy that’s all that matters
and he says watching the waistline is a waste of time
I’ll be a lady eventually and after all its puberty and just a passing
phase
The kind of guy who’ll lie in the curve of my midnight sleep
and hold me close and when the morning light comes he’ll
still kiss me despite our morning breaths but also
if need be he’ll leave me alone and give me my own
space
The kind of guy who loves every single part of me
for being every single part of me on their own with nothing special
because ‘I’m everything special already’ he
says.
getting charcoal all over my hands which eventually
make it to my cheeks and he’ll laugh at me but
wet his thumb with his tongue
and gently take them off my
elbows and my
face
The kind of guy who wouldn’t mind taking his shirt and pants
off for me in the privacy of my studio
to sketch, but of course
I probably wouldn’t subject him to that
kind of thing in the first
place
The kind of guy who’d hold my hand and not my ass when
we walked around town and other places
and talked then he’d tickle me and I’d give
chase
The kind of guy who cries whenever he feels
sad or broken up inside or happy
he’d let me dry his tears because I wanted to
and let me comfort him any time he needed
grace
The kind of guy who doesn’t mind that I’m not like
magazine people cause I’m healthy that’s all that matters
and he says watching the waistline is a waste of time
I’ll be a lady eventually and after all its puberty and just a passing
phase
The kind of guy who’ll lie in the curve of my midnight sleep
and hold me close and when the morning light comes he’ll
still kiss me despite our morning breaths but also
if need be he’ll leave me alone and give me my own
space
The kind of guy who loves every single part of me
for being every single part of me on their own with nothing special
because ‘I’m everything special already’ he
says.
Black Shirt
He looked at me and asked casually, "Do you like this shirt?"
And I took a deep breath and said it looked warm as my faced flushed to red
He probably didn't even notice that in that moment, it became so hard to focus
On anything but him
Maybe that's exactly what he wants
To keep me falling over and over again
I wish I could be that black shirt he's wearing so close to his heart
I wish I didn't have to hide this foolish grin
I wish I could be that black shirt he's wrapped up in
He doesn't even know
About all those feelings I never show
And as he's walking away now, I wish I could say, "Why don't you and your black shirt stick around"
He has a way of making me say things I've never said before
So many things I should keep to myself
So I try to look away
But with every word he says, it's getting harder to see anyone else
Maybe that's exactly what he wants
To keep me falling over and over again
I wish I could be that black shirt he's wearing so close to his heart
I wish I didn't have to hide this foolish grin
I wish I could be that black shirt he's wrapped up in
He doesn't even know
About all those feelings I never show
And as he's walking away now, I wish I could say, "Why don't you and your black shirt stick around"
That boy and his black shirt just might ruin me
But I just have to laugh 'case after all is said and done
It's all making me believe
I wish I could be that black shirt he's wearing so close to his heart
I wish I didn't have to hide this foolish grin
I wish I could be that black shirt he's wrapped up in
He doesn't even know
About all those feelings I never show
And as he's walking away now, I wish I could say, "Why don't you and your black shirt stick around"
I wish I could be that black shirt he's wearing so close to his heart
I wish I didn't have to hide this foolish grin
I wish I could be that black shirt he's wrapped up in
He doesn't even know
About all those feelings I never show
And as he's walking away now, I wish I could say, "Why don't you and your black shirt stick around"
Wish I could make him see
That every night when I fall asleep, I wish I could be that black shirt he's wrapped up in
And I took a deep breath and said it looked warm as my faced flushed to red
He probably didn't even notice that in that moment, it became so hard to focus
On anything but him
Maybe that's exactly what he wants
To keep me falling over and over again
I wish I could be that black shirt he's wearing so close to his heart
I wish I didn't have to hide this foolish grin
I wish I could be that black shirt he's wrapped up in
He doesn't even know
About all those feelings I never show
And as he's walking away now, I wish I could say, "Why don't you and your black shirt stick around"
He has a way of making me say things I've never said before
So many things I should keep to myself
So I try to look away
But with every word he says, it's getting harder to see anyone else
Maybe that's exactly what he wants
To keep me falling over and over again
I wish I could be that black shirt he's wearing so close to his heart
I wish I didn't have to hide this foolish grin
I wish I could be that black shirt he's wrapped up in
He doesn't even know
About all those feelings I never show
And as he's walking away now, I wish I could say, "Why don't you and your black shirt stick around"
That boy and his black shirt just might ruin me
But I just have to laugh 'case after all is said and done
It's all making me believe
I wish I could be that black shirt he's wearing so close to his heart
I wish I didn't have to hide this foolish grin
I wish I could be that black shirt he's wrapped up in
He doesn't even know
About all those feelings I never show
And as he's walking away now, I wish I could say, "Why don't you and your black shirt stick around"
I wish I could be that black shirt he's wearing so close to his heart
I wish I didn't have to hide this foolish grin
I wish I could be that black shirt he's wrapped up in
He doesn't even know
About all those feelings I never show
And as he's walking away now, I wish I could say, "Why don't you and your black shirt stick around"
Wish I could make him see
That every night when I fall asleep, I wish I could be that black shirt he's wrapped up in
Monday, November 16, 2009
seasame street
But it wasn’t so much the TV or the fact that the grass on TV actually was green instead of gray that mattered to me so much back then. I was too busy relaxing and exploring my favorite of neighborhoods: Sesame Street.
It was a simpler time, perfect for a simpler generation like mine. This was long before Barney hopped around. Long before a certain Teletubby found himself criticized for his fashionable purple purse.
It was sort of like "Cheers" for the younger set – the place where you always were welcomed with open (albeit usually fluffy) arms or wings, and everyone always knew your name.
The innovative PBS children’s program turned the big 4-0 this week (though the median age of the cast is about 5 or 6) amid a flurry of media appearances (Oscar the Grouch and Elmo are making the talk-show circuit), and a special season premiere extravaganza with a guest appearance by none other than first lady Michelle Obama, who taught the neighborhood about the joys of planting a garden and healthy eating. I wonder how that will go over with Cookie Monster.
I don’t know about you, but I tuned in to see the big event with that same childlike glee I did more than 20 years ago. Everyone seems to have their favorite Sesame Street resident. My mother always liked Bert (maybe because he was so bossy?). My sister was fond of Snuffleupagus. I like to think I was Grover’s biggest fan. To my childhood innocence, he seemed so wise and worldly; he always had the answer. I always could count on him and his chums.
That’s how the show was to me and the thousands of others in my generation who learned our ABCs, 123s, and the importance of loving each other and the Earth. Big Bird and his bunch were our family. They always were there for us. They made us smile. They made us think and, of course, taught life lessons, even if we didn’t know we were learning them at the time.
The show’s creator, Joan Ganz Cooney, recently remarked on the genius behind her vision. From the show’s inception, she vowed that “every piece of information would be entertaining, and every piece of entertainment would be educational.”
That vision is still alive and kicking. Studies have shown that my generation and generations thereafter that watched Sesame Street start school ahead of the curve. They know their letters, thanks to the Count. They understand basic phonics, thanks to Elmo, and they have a better grasp of concepts such as math, thanks, again, to the Count.
I’m just left with one question, though: Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street? It’s time I properly thanked them.
It was a simpler time, perfect for a simpler generation like mine. This was long before Barney hopped around. Long before a certain Teletubby found himself criticized for his fashionable purple purse.
It was sort of like "Cheers" for the younger set – the place where you always were welcomed with open (albeit usually fluffy) arms or wings, and everyone always knew your name.
The innovative PBS children’s program turned the big 4-0 this week (though the median age of the cast is about 5 or 6) amid a flurry of media appearances (Oscar the Grouch and Elmo are making the talk-show circuit), and a special season premiere extravaganza with a guest appearance by none other than first lady Michelle Obama, who taught the neighborhood about the joys of planting a garden and healthy eating. I wonder how that will go over with Cookie Monster.
I don’t know about you, but I tuned in to see the big event with that same childlike glee I did more than 20 years ago. Everyone seems to have their favorite Sesame Street resident. My mother always liked Bert (maybe because he was so bossy?). My sister was fond of Snuffleupagus. I like to think I was Grover’s biggest fan. To my childhood innocence, he seemed so wise and worldly; he always had the answer. I always could count on him and his chums.
That’s how the show was to me and the thousands of others in my generation who learned our ABCs, 123s, and the importance of loving each other and the Earth. Big Bird and his bunch were our family. They always were there for us. They made us smile. They made us think and, of course, taught life lessons, even if we didn’t know we were learning them at the time.
The show’s creator, Joan Ganz Cooney, recently remarked on the genius behind her vision. From the show’s inception, she vowed that “every piece of information would be entertaining, and every piece of entertainment would be educational.”
That vision is still alive and kicking. Studies have shown that my generation and generations thereafter that watched Sesame Street start school ahead of the curve. They know their letters, thanks to the Count. They understand basic phonics, thanks to Elmo, and they have a better grasp of concepts such as math, thanks, again, to the Count.
I’m just left with one question, though: Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street? It’s time I properly thanked them.
original
Sometimes I wonder if anything is truly original anymore or are we past original thought? Are we now living in a time where everything is influenced or inspired by something else? I don't feel like doing anything today. And I wish people would stop wasting my time with spam or newsletters I didn't subscribe too. that is all. I will be cheerier tomorrow.
nothing of me is original
i am the combined effot
of everyone around me
nothing of me is original
i am the combined effot
of everyone around me
Thursday, November 12, 2009
different kinds of love
"There’s different kinds of love, darling.
Some people you love no matter what...
and others you love if the situation is right.
To me, the best kind of love...
is the “no matter what” kind."
–Helen Holt
Some people you love no matter what...
and others you love if the situation is right.
To me, the best kind of love...
is the “no matter what” kind."
–Helen Holt
Spin
"Do you ever just put your arms out and just spin and spin and spin?
Well, that’s what love is like.
Everything inside of you tells you to stop before you fall…
but for some reason you just keep going..."
— Practical Magic
Well, that’s what love is like.
Everything inside of you tells you to stop before you fall…
but for some reason you just keep going..."
— Practical Magic
Wait for the boy
I discovered this quote today:
"Wait for the boy who pursues you.
Wait for the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical.
Wait for the kind of person who brings out the best in you,
and makes you want to be a better person.
Wait for the person who will be your best friend.
Wait for the person who will drop everything to be with you
no matter what the circumstances.
Wait for the person who makes you smile like nobody else.
Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world
when you are in sweats and a tee shirt.
And most of all...
wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe.
Because that is exactly where you belong."
As sweet as this quote may be... I have to disagree with it.
Because lets face it you guys, we are priceless.
And frankly, I think we deserve a lot more than that.
So with that being said,
(and hoping the author of this quote doesn't mind),
I made a few revisions of my own.
"Wait for the boy who not only pursues you…
but wait for the boy who chases you like crazy.
Wait for the boy who chases you until he can't possibly chase you anymore.
Wait for the boy who does everything he possibly can to make sure you're his and he's yours,
and refuses to ever let go or give up on that dream.
Wait for the one who will not only make an ordinary moment seem magical…
but wait for the one who makes sure there are no ordinary moments.
Wait for the one who makes every moment magic.
Wait for the kind of person who not only brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person,
but wait for the kind of person who refuses to let you be anything less than the best you could possibly ever be.
Wait for the kind of person who doesn't let you settle for anything less for yourself, because they care too much about you.
Wait for the kind of person who sets you straight when you aren't being the best you can be,
and who makes you work harder every single day at getting there.
Wait not only for the person who will be your best friend,
but wait for the person who goes out of their way to be the best friend you have ever had,
and ever will have.
Wait for the person who will not only drop everything to be with you no matter what the circumstances,
but wait for the person who tries to drop everything to be with you, no matter what the circumstances.
Not becuase it's the sweet thing to do, but simply because they want to.
Wait for the person who not only makes you smile like nobody else...
but wait for the person who does it on purpose.
Wait for the person who is willing to fight for anything to see your smile.
Wait for the person who lives for your smile.
Wait for the person who not only wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and a tee shirt…
but wait for the person who thinks you are most beautiful in just your sweats and a tee shirt.
Wait for the person who tells you that you don't need to wear anything but sweats and a tee shirt,
and wait for the person who makes sure that you feel the most beautiful in just sweats and a tee shirt.
And most of all… wait not only for the person who will put you up at the center of their universe…
but wait for the person who wouldn't settle for making you only the center of their universe.
Wait for the person who makes you their entire universe.
Because not only is the center of the universe exactly where you belong,
but the universe is exactly what you are."
♥
"Wait for the boy who pursues you.
Wait for the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical.
Wait for the kind of person who brings out the best in you,
and makes you want to be a better person.
Wait for the person who will be your best friend.
Wait for the person who will drop everything to be with you
no matter what the circumstances.
Wait for the person who makes you smile like nobody else.
Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world
when you are in sweats and a tee shirt.
And most of all...
wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe.
Because that is exactly where you belong."
As sweet as this quote may be... I have to disagree with it.
Because lets face it you guys, we are priceless.
And frankly, I think we deserve a lot more than that.
So with that being said,
(and hoping the author of this quote doesn't mind),
I made a few revisions of my own.
"Wait for the boy who not only pursues you…
but wait for the boy who chases you like crazy.
Wait for the boy who chases you until he can't possibly chase you anymore.
Wait for the boy who does everything he possibly can to make sure you're his and he's yours,
and refuses to ever let go or give up on that dream.
Wait for the one who will not only make an ordinary moment seem magical…
but wait for the one who makes sure there are no ordinary moments.
Wait for the one who makes every moment magic.
Wait for the kind of person who not only brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person,
but wait for the kind of person who refuses to let you be anything less than the best you could possibly ever be.
Wait for the kind of person who doesn't let you settle for anything less for yourself, because they care too much about you.
Wait for the kind of person who sets you straight when you aren't being the best you can be,
and who makes you work harder every single day at getting there.
Wait not only for the person who will be your best friend,
but wait for the person who goes out of their way to be the best friend you have ever had,
and ever will have.
Wait for the person who will not only drop everything to be with you no matter what the circumstances,
but wait for the person who tries to drop everything to be with you, no matter what the circumstances.
Not becuase it's the sweet thing to do, but simply because they want to.
Wait for the person who not only makes you smile like nobody else...
but wait for the person who does it on purpose.
Wait for the person who is willing to fight for anything to see your smile.
Wait for the person who lives for your smile.
Wait for the person who not only wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and a tee shirt…
but wait for the person who thinks you are most beautiful in just your sweats and a tee shirt.
Wait for the person who tells you that you don't need to wear anything but sweats and a tee shirt,
and wait for the person who makes sure that you feel the most beautiful in just sweats and a tee shirt.
And most of all… wait not only for the person who will put you up at the center of their universe…
but wait for the person who wouldn't settle for making you only the center of their universe.
Wait for the person who makes you their entire universe.
Because not only is the center of the universe exactly where you belong,
but the universe is exactly what you are."
♥
Monday, November 9, 2009
what if one day
I have loved B for the past year. For me, a year is a long time to like somebody – to have your heart balloon every time he texts you, to secretly smile every time he asks a favour, to laugh at all his bad jokes. A year is a long time to love his scruffy head, to love the way his forehead crinkles when he’s stressed, to love the way his presence makes you feel safe. In my mind I measured B up to other guys, to see if there was someone out there who was better for me. But none of them ever compared to him. He was perfect. And in that entire year I couldn’t find one flaw, no matter how hard I tried.
But then one morning this week, I woke up – and I didn’t love B anymore. (So I guess you can’t really call it love to begin with, can you?) His perfection had suddenly melted away. His steadfast beliefs I had so admired now seemed to be self-conscious, and his confidence seemed somewhat self-absorbed. In that one morning of clarity, I soon became aware of all his flaws. I no longer believe that he is perfect, nor that he is perfect for me.
I still care for him, but I no longer love him. By no means were we superficial - we shared our hopes, dreams, ambitions, fears. So what scares me is that I don’t know how this sudden change of heart happened. Falling out of love shouldn’t be that easy.
What if one day, in the future, I wake up one morning in bed with my future husband, only to find that I do not love him anymore?
But then one morning this week, I woke up – and I didn’t love B anymore. (So I guess you can’t really call it love to begin with, can you?) His perfection had suddenly melted away. His steadfast beliefs I had so admired now seemed to be self-conscious, and his confidence seemed somewhat self-absorbed. In that one morning of clarity, I soon became aware of all his flaws. I no longer believe that he is perfect, nor that he is perfect for me.
I still care for him, but I no longer love him. By no means were we superficial - we shared our hopes, dreams, ambitions, fears. So what scares me is that I don’t know how this sudden change of heart happened. Falling out of love shouldn’t be that easy.
What if one day, in the future, I wake up one morning in bed with my future husband, only to find that I do not love him anymore?
Sunday, November 8, 2009
I had found
I had found a city I was in love with and a boy that had captivated my heart, mind and body. I had not thought it was possible for me to like someone this much. To feel this way. Like my heart will explode. Like I’m on the edge of going crazy if I don’t see him. To crave his touches. To be so desperate for his company. Joy and pure bliss was never suppose to come hand in hand with hurt and misery.
I had just returned from seeing him a few days ago. It wasn’t the same. It had become real for me. I realized he knew me. All aspects of me. The good, the bad and the ugly. And he was still sitting there next to me. He was a genuinely good, simple, tender hearted man with flaws and faults I was clearly aware off. And I was still by his side. I wanted him, with his shortcomings and imperfection. All of him. I had never felt my heart to be so fragile and delicate. There was nothing more in this world that I wanted than for him to ask me to stay. To come back. To runaway with him. To be more than a seasonal fling. To be more than just a summer romance. To be his. A real opportunity to give what we have a chance. But he didn’t. And I wonder if he ever would.
I had just returned from seeing him a few days ago. It wasn’t the same. It had become real for me. I realized he knew me. All aspects of me. The good, the bad and the ugly. And he was still sitting there next to me. He was a genuinely good, simple, tender hearted man with flaws and faults I was clearly aware off. And I was still by his side. I wanted him, with his shortcomings and imperfection. All of him. I had never felt my heart to be so fragile and delicate. There was nothing more in this world that I wanted than for him to ask me to stay. To come back. To runaway with him. To be more than a seasonal fling. To be more than just a summer romance. To be his. A real opportunity to give what we have a chance. But he didn’t. And I wonder if he ever would.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
boy
Can you get a little closer,
And help me out a little bit?
I scraped my knee fallin' for you,
But baby a kiss will do..
I'm singing Fa la la la la la...
You're as cute as a button,
The things you do sure are something
Are you running out of breath
From running through my head, all night?
I'm falling in love,
And wouldn't I like to think so?
And every night I look at the stars out my window,
And I hope I can see,
The one that we saw together,
It was just you and me and honestly..
I'll look for that star forever.
And help me out a little bit?
I scraped my knee fallin' for you,
But baby a kiss will do..
I'm singing Fa la la la la la...
You're as cute as a button,
The things you do sure are something
Are you running out of breath
From running through my head, all night?
I'm falling in love,
And wouldn't I like to think so?
And every night I look at the stars out my window,
And I hope I can see,
The one that we saw together,
It was just you and me and honestly..
I'll look for that star forever.
ever again
I have someone I love very much. But this story is not about him.
It’s a about a man from 1,320 miles away who somehow ended up a few feet away from me in the lecture hall. Smart, attractive, funny, with a way with words I’ve never heard before. Twisting words and phrases to paint beautiful pictures of the world I knew. I saw what I always did, but it was much more colorful than ever before. I’m a smart girl, not easily impressed, but this guy captured me. He’s so special, but can’t see it himself. He tells me how special I am, but it’s not the same and I can’t wake him up to it. I probably won’t ever meet anyone like him again if I live for a hundred years.
One day, while in his dorm, he kissed me. And I didn’t stop him. The only thing I said was, “I’m a bad person.” He asked why and I responded I have someone I care for very much. He didn’t mind and I didn’t have the willpower to stop him. This happen for another four consecutive days. I finally said that I couldn’t do it anymore because I was betraying the person I cared so so so much for. He cried and I felt like the worst person to have ever walked the planet.
Days following, this man persisted. While telling him that I couldn’t cheat anymore, the spell he had over me broke. He blamed societal rules and the way I think. He did not want me to “be” with him. Simply to share passion. He could care less if I had a boyfriend as long as we could share passion until his research scholarship is over in a year. Then he’ll just pick up and leave like this life here doesn’t matter.
This outright selfishness and juvenile response gave me a hard slap in the face. I feel like this was my test. Much like Sir Gawain, I didn’t pass, but I didn’t fail. For the rest of my life, this will be a reminder, my green sash. I never had a passing thought about betraying someone before, and I never will again. This lesson showed me there are capturing people out there, but there’s not another person made so perfectly for me. I won't find one if I searched for the rest of human existence. I’ve found him. I know it. And I know, short of insanity or death, he is the man I will marry.
I will never,
ever,
take him for granted
ever
again.
It’s a about a man from 1,320 miles away who somehow ended up a few feet away from me in the lecture hall. Smart, attractive, funny, with a way with words I’ve never heard before. Twisting words and phrases to paint beautiful pictures of the world I knew. I saw what I always did, but it was much more colorful than ever before. I’m a smart girl, not easily impressed, but this guy captured me. He’s so special, but can’t see it himself. He tells me how special I am, but it’s not the same and I can’t wake him up to it. I probably won’t ever meet anyone like him again if I live for a hundred years.
One day, while in his dorm, he kissed me. And I didn’t stop him. The only thing I said was, “I’m a bad person.” He asked why and I responded I have someone I care for very much. He didn’t mind and I didn’t have the willpower to stop him. This happen for another four consecutive days. I finally said that I couldn’t do it anymore because I was betraying the person I cared so so so much for. He cried and I felt like the worst person to have ever walked the planet.
Days following, this man persisted. While telling him that I couldn’t cheat anymore, the spell he had over me broke. He blamed societal rules and the way I think. He did not want me to “be” with him. Simply to share passion. He could care less if I had a boyfriend as long as we could share passion until his research scholarship is over in a year. Then he’ll just pick up and leave like this life here doesn’t matter.
This outright selfishness and juvenile response gave me a hard slap in the face. I feel like this was my test. Much like Sir Gawain, I didn’t pass, but I didn’t fail. For the rest of my life, this will be a reminder, my green sash. I never had a passing thought about betraying someone before, and I never will again. This lesson showed me there are capturing people out there, but there’s not another person made so perfectly for me. I won't find one if I searched for the rest of human existence. I’ve found him. I know it. And I know, short of insanity or death, he is the man I will marry.
I will never,
ever,
take him for granted
ever
again.
Secret Crush
And the scary thing is,
That I thought to myself,
I could give up everything,
Just to be with you.
And still though you treat me so bad,
I would call you,
And my eyes would glisten at the words you speak,
And my heart would ache,
And the pain would never go away.
And if I had my choice,
If I could decide,
Still I would ask you to stay,
My silly, secret crush.
That I thought to myself,
I could give up everything,
Just to be with you.
And still though you treat me so bad,
I would call you,
And my eyes would glisten at the words you speak,
And my heart would ache,
And the pain would never go away.
And if I had my choice,
If I could decide,
Still I would ask you to stay,
My silly, secret crush.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Dress like a feminist in Aus
I’m a unique person. I march to the beat of my own drum. Even though I no longer dress up in an awesome costume for Halloween, it didn’t stop me from thinking about some out-of-the-box ideas. And, as in my unique nature, all these lovely ladies are fictional – and amazing feminists.
These Top 5 fictional femmes not only changed our view of women and society, but they also had three things in common: Spunk, sass and the ability to throw a mean punch when necessary. My Halloween-costume ideas just for you:
Mary Tyler Moore: Whether sparring with her boss or giggling with her gal pal, Rhoda, Mary helped usher in a new generation of career-minded women (For her, that meant breaking the glass ceiling of the male-dominated broadcast industry; could you imagine a world today without Diane Sawyer?) determined to show men what they already knew: Women could make it after all.
Costume essentials: The classic hair, a microphone and someone cool to play Rhoda to your Mary.
Miss Piggy: Perhaps the only animal feminist, Miss P. loved her life her way, by her own set of rules. She was a pig’s pig, strong-willed and determined, and got what she wanted: movie roles, the release of her book, "The Diva Code," and of course, the object of her affection, Kermit. She’s got that little frog tied around her pinky.
Costume essentials: Big, blonde wig, a stylish purse and a loud, booming voice.
Scarlett O’Hara: Perhaps one of the first great motivational speakers, she taught women the art of de-stressing, even in stressful times of war, with just five words: "I’ll think about it tomorrow." That’s some pretty good advice, and of course, she never took any grief from a certain Rhett Butler.
Costume essentials: A Civil-War era gown, a fan and a curly-haired wig.
Buffy Summers: Just when teen girls of the late '90s needed a girl-power pep-talk, they didn’t have to look further than the girl who saved the world (a lot). She taught us that smart girls are sexy as she and her friends (including fellow feminist, Willow) rid the world of vampires and other evil demons while still having time to go to college. Besides, any girl who can die and come back to life multiple times has more strength than Hercules could ever hope to have.
Costume essentials: A stake, a fierce look in your eyes and a flashlight for spotting those evil vamps in the dark!
Ariel: The little mermaid with the big voice (and even bigger dreams) quickly became that beacon of hope for little girls everywhere. She showed us the beauty of hope, adventure and wanting the most out of life. Her rule: Never settle if you want to become part of something bigger. In her case, that something just happened to involve life above sea level and the love of a handsome prince.
Costume essentials: A red wig, mermaid legs and a loud voice for singing “Part of Your World.”
These Top 5 fictional femmes not only changed our view of women and society, but they also had three things in common: Spunk, sass and the ability to throw a mean punch when necessary. My Halloween-costume ideas just for you:
Mary Tyler Moore: Whether sparring with her boss or giggling with her gal pal, Rhoda, Mary helped usher in a new generation of career-minded women (For her, that meant breaking the glass ceiling of the male-dominated broadcast industry; could you imagine a world today without Diane Sawyer?) determined to show men what they already knew: Women could make it after all.
Costume essentials: The classic hair, a microphone and someone cool to play Rhoda to your Mary.
Miss Piggy: Perhaps the only animal feminist, Miss P. loved her life her way, by her own set of rules. She was a pig’s pig, strong-willed and determined, and got what she wanted: movie roles, the release of her book, "The Diva Code," and of course, the object of her affection, Kermit. She’s got that little frog tied around her pinky.
Costume essentials: Big, blonde wig, a stylish purse and a loud, booming voice.
Scarlett O’Hara: Perhaps one of the first great motivational speakers, she taught women the art of de-stressing, even in stressful times of war, with just five words: "I’ll think about it tomorrow." That’s some pretty good advice, and of course, she never took any grief from a certain Rhett Butler.
Costume essentials: A Civil-War era gown, a fan and a curly-haired wig.
Buffy Summers: Just when teen girls of the late '90s needed a girl-power pep-talk, they didn’t have to look further than the girl who saved the world (a lot). She taught us that smart girls are sexy as she and her friends (including fellow feminist, Willow) rid the world of vampires and other evil demons while still having time to go to college. Besides, any girl who can die and come back to life multiple times has more strength than Hercules could ever hope to have.
Costume essentials: A stake, a fierce look in your eyes and a flashlight for spotting those evil vamps in the dark!
Ariel: The little mermaid with the big voice (and even bigger dreams) quickly became that beacon of hope for little girls everywhere. She showed us the beauty of hope, adventure and wanting the most out of life. Her rule: Never settle if you want to become part of something bigger. In her case, that something just happened to involve life above sea level and the love of a handsome prince.
Costume essentials: A red wig, mermaid legs and a loud voice for singing “Part of Your World.”
What love was
I had an idea of what love was.
and that idea was all wrong.
because now I think I know what love is.
(or at least what it is to me)
And it is crying when he is sick and you can't be there to make him feel better,
when you can't get him a glass of water or a cool washcloth for his fever.
It is the pain you feel when you weren't there to watch him make 5 interceptions and 3 touchdowns at his intramural football game.
It is eating a strawberry ice-cream cone and thinking it would taste better if he was there eating it with you.
And it is failing a test and wishing that you could sob into his hoodie.
and that idea was all wrong.
because now I think I know what love is.
(or at least what it is to me)
And it is crying when he is sick and you can't be there to make him feel better,
when you can't get him a glass of water or a cool washcloth for his fever.
It is the pain you feel when you weren't there to watch him make 5 interceptions and 3 touchdowns at his intramural football game.
It is eating a strawberry ice-cream cone and thinking it would taste better if he was there eating it with you.
And it is failing a test and wishing that you could sob into his hoodie.
a retro kind of love
I've recently developed some kind of feelings for a guy in my year level. It merely started as a liking for his good looks, nothing more. But after a couple of weeks, we were just together with a group of friends, walking around the streets after a party. I don't know if it was the way the streets were dimly lit, or how the rain was still damp on the ground, it's horribly cliche but i found myself becoming more attracted to his boyish grin and the way his eyes mock my silly jokes. We bonded over music, over songs that are constantly played on my ipod. That night i fell asleep wondering how fun it would be to go to a concert with him, now, i often think of him when certain songs fill my headphones, and I wonder if he's listening to the same thing; the walls are pretty thin, and sometimes when i play our mutual favorite song, it's my way of saying 'this is for you'.
I'm generally extremely confident and comfortable in my own skin and looks, but with guys i crush on, it never actually turns out the way i hope, and so i've found that now, with him, i keep second guessing myself and annoying my friends with the constant insecurities. Everyone knows, somehow, except for him. But it's good, because i kind of have a claim to him without him knowing,and i can allow my eyes to linger on his for a few seconds longer than it should for a platonic relationship, I can ask him if he's feeling better from his cold without looking like an overprotective stalker, and I even allow myself to gush over 'hot guys', guys i would never choose over him if it comes down to it.
I love his smiles, and his sarcastic remarks over my klutziness, I find myself holding my breath when we accidently bump into each other in the hall, and it's good, in a way, to be right next to him, because I'm strangely comforted by the fact that he hasn't brought anyone back with him.
I'm by no means a stalker, or in love, and in fact, this story probably won't warm your heart or make you gush like the others, but sometimes, somewhere, not everybody's falling in love or crying over shattered hearts, they develop crushes that puts them on a slight high, even if it may amount to nothing, it's thinking about the possibilities, finding songs that match your feelings, writing about it, glorifying it. Sometimes, for some of us, it's enough. It's what we need for now.
I want him to pick up on some kind of clue, I think I won't be able to do a junior high 'i kind of like you' speech, but right now, i'm content with just sending him subtle glances, becoming giddy about the possibilities, and just enjoying the warm, fuzzy feelings I haven't had in quite a while. It feels slightly cheesy and seems so un-college, so unsexy or wild, it's a retro, young kind of crush, and I just realized how much I missed feeling like this.
I'm generally extremely confident and comfortable in my own skin and looks, but with guys i crush on, it never actually turns out the way i hope, and so i've found that now, with him, i keep second guessing myself and annoying my friends with the constant insecurities. Everyone knows, somehow, except for him. But it's good, because i kind of have a claim to him without him knowing,and i can allow my eyes to linger on his for a few seconds longer than it should for a platonic relationship, I can ask him if he's feeling better from his cold without looking like an overprotective stalker, and I even allow myself to gush over 'hot guys', guys i would never choose over him if it comes down to it.
I love his smiles, and his sarcastic remarks over my klutziness, I find myself holding my breath when we accidently bump into each other in the hall, and it's good, in a way, to be right next to him, because I'm strangely comforted by the fact that he hasn't brought anyone back with him.
I'm by no means a stalker, or in love, and in fact, this story probably won't warm your heart or make you gush like the others, but sometimes, somewhere, not everybody's falling in love or crying over shattered hearts, they develop crushes that puts them on a slight high, even if it may amount to nothing, it's thinking about the possibilities, finding songs that match your feelings, writing about it, glorifying it. Sometimes, for some of us, it's enough. It's what we need for now.
I want him to pick up on some kind of clue, I think I won't be able to do a junior high 'i kind of like you' speech, but right now, i'm content with just sending him subtle glances, becoming giddy about the possibilities, and just enjoying the warm, fuzzy feelings I haven't had in quite a while. It feels slightly cheesy and seems so un-college, so unsexy or wild, it's a retro, young kind of crush, and I just realized how much I missed feeling like this.
Ah, la la Love
There comes a time in your life where you realize that you actually are in love with a person.
And you realize that even though they are just a mile or two away, your heart doesn't quite feel the same when they're not right next to you.
You realize that you would do anything for them. Really, ANYTHING.
[Yes, I would even jump out of a plane 2,000 feet in the air if it was for their well being.]
You realize that if they're not happy, you aren't either.
You realize that you say really stupid things when you fight, just because you hurt more than you ever have, because you love them so much.
You realize that you still feel bad about those things that you said, even months later.
You realize that every time you make a decision, even the little tiny itty bitty ones, you think "what would they think about this?"
You realize that you have seen way too many movies together.
You realize that even after a year of being together, you still get crazy butterflies every time you see them.
You realize that when you think "family", their face appears in the picture too.
You realize that you don't find anyone else attractive. You don't even look.
You realize that you are losing sleep over them, because you're so excited for the next time you'll see them.
You realize that no matter how mad you are at them, one hug from them would make it all better.
You realize that love is really hard, but this person is worth everything.
And then you realize that love is nothing like you have ever thought it would be like. It's about sacrifice, gratitude, a lot of humility [yes, i even have to say "I'm sorry" and realize that I'm wrong every once in awhile... okay, A lot].
You also realize that it's NEVER going to be easy... but when you're in love, your love gets you through it.
And you realize that even though they are just a mile or two away, your heart doesn't quite feel the same when they're not right next to you.
You realize that you would do anything for them. Really, ANYTHING.
[Yes, I would even jump out of a plane 2,000 feet in the air if it was for their well being.]
You realize that if they're not happy, you aren't either.
You realize that you say really stupid things when you fight, just because you hurt more than you ever have, because you love them so much.
You realize that you still feel bad about those things that you said, even months later.
You realize that every time you make a decision, even the little tiny itty bitty ones, you think "what would they think about this?"
You realize that you have seen way too many movies together.
You realize that even after a year of being together, you still get crazy butterflies every time you see them.
You realize that when you think "family", their face appears in the picture too.
You realize that you don't find anyone else attractive. You don't even look.
You realize that you are losing sleep over them, because you're so excited for the next time you'll see them.
You realize that no matter how mad you are at them, one hug from them would make it all better.
You realize that love is really hard, but this person is worth everything.
And then you realize that love is nothing like you have ever thought it would be like. It's about sacrifice, gratitude, a lot of humility [yes, i even have to say "I'm sorry" and realize that I'm wrong every once in awhile... okay, A lot].
You also realize that it's NEVER going to be easy... but when you're in love, your love gets you through it.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
That's how I feel
I wrote this short and sweet one about that feeling I get in the pit of my stomach every time I've ever had feelings for a guy who, close to 100 percent of the time, had those same feelings. The only problem was, they were for some other girl who seemed perfect and lovely and everything I wasn't.
I've seen the way you look at her
With that smile, it's like she's your whole world
And I sit silently and wonder how it would be if that were you and me
'Cause I can see us now, dancing in the moonlight, you holding my hand and making my eyes sparkle with your laugh
Should I tell you how I feel?
You're amazing
That's how I feel
You've got my heart racing
That's how I feel
I feel so much, but never say enough
But maybe if you knew
You could feel this way too
I'm the girl you walk past every day
The girl you see but don't know her name
And here I get goosebumps just watching you
So I smile and try to catch your eye
With my heart shaking inside
Feels like it's about to break
I know I'll never be the girl you choose
But I'll always be the girl who secretly loves you
You're amazing
That's how I feel
You've got my heart racing
That's how I feel
I feel so much, but never say enough
But maybe if you knew
You could feel this way too
You're the last boy I should be falling for
But maybe that makes me want you even more
And that other girl, does she know how lucky she is
To have you hanging on her every word?
Now every time I think of you, I see her face
And wish I could take her place
You're amazing
That's how I feel
You've got my heart racing
That's how I feel
I feel so much, but never say enough
But maybe if you knew
You could feel this way too
You're amazing
That's how I feel
You've got my heart racing
That's how I feel
I feel so much, but never say enough
But maybe if you knew
You could feel this way too
Now every time I think of you, I see her face
And wish I could take her place
I've seen the way you look at her
With that smile, it's like she's your whole world
And I sit silently and wonder how it would be if that were you and me
'Cause I can see us now, dancing in the moonlight, you holding my hand and making my eyes sparkle with your laugh
Should I tell you how I feel?
You're amazing
That's how I feel
You've got my heart racing
That's how I feel
I feel so much, but never say enough
But maybe if you knew
You could feel this way too
I'm the girl you walk past every day
The girl you see but don't know her name
And here I get goosebumps just watching you
So I smile and try to catch your eye
With my heart shaking inside
Feels like it's about to break
I know I'll never be the girl you choose
But I'll always be the girl who secretly loves you
You're amazing
That's how I feel
You've got my heart racing
That's how I feel
I feel so much, but never say enough
But maybe if you knew
You could feel this way too
You're the last boy I should be falling for
But maybe that makes me want you even more
And that other girl, does she know how lucky she is
To have you hanging on her every word?
Now every time I think of you, I see her face
And wish I could take her place
You're amazing
That's how I feel
You've got my heart racing
That's how I feel
I feel so much, but never say enough
But maybe if you knew
You could feel this way too
You're amazing
That's how I feel
You've got my heart racing
That's how I feel
I feel so much, but never say enough
But maybe if you knew
You could feel this way too
Now every time I think of you, I see her face
And wish I could take her place
At some point
"At some point, you have to make a decision.
Boundaries don't keep other people out.
They fence you in.
Life is messy.
That's how we're made.
So, you can waste your lives drawing lines.
Or you can live your life crossing them."
-Greys Anatomy
Boundaries don't keep other people out.
They fence you in.
Life is messy.
That's how we're made.
So, you can waste your lives drawing lines.
Or you can live your life crossing them."
-Greys Anatomy
Friday, October 23, 2009
Once apon a time
once upon a time, there was this boy.
and he was not always very nice to me.
(admittedly, sometimes i wasn't very nice to him either)
but then one day i was having a really, really bad day -
like the worst day of all days -
(kind of had to do with that goodbye i was talking about last time)
but this boy (the not so very nice boy) noticed.
and even though he didn't have to,
scratch that.
even though he probably didn't want to
he took me to go get fix and mix frosties.
aka.
wonderfulness.
and that's my story. it's not fabulous, but that moment was.
i realized that the littlest, tiniest, minute things matter.
"you're hair looks nice"
or
"would you want to go out to lunch on saturday?"
....and those who may seem like the last person in the world to care,
can make all the difference.
now i have a new friend.
and he was not always very nice to me.
(admittedly, sometimes i wasn't very nice to him either)
but then one day i was having a really, really bad day -
like the worst day of all days -
(kind of had to do with that goodbye i was talking about last time)
but this boy (the not so very nice boy) noticed.
and even though he didn't have to,
scratch that.
even though he probably didn't want to
he took me to go get fix and mix frosties.
aka.
wonderfulness.
and that's my story. it's not fabulous, but that moment was.
i realized that the littlest, tiniest, minute things matter.
"you're hair looks nice"
or
"would you want to go out to lunch on saturday?"
....and those who may seem like the last person in the world to care,
can make all the difference.
now i have a new friend.
Do you remember
Do you remember what I was when we first met? I'd built walls around my heart, gated them, and thrown away the key. I had been hurt, I told you from the beginning. I'd been used, tricked, played with, but most of all, hurt. I thought it best to never fall in love again. So I locked my heart.
You figured it out quite soon. I said don't fall in love with me. I cannot fall in love with you. I won't. I'm too hurt, too damaged, too afraid to go through all of this once more. I'd decided love was just a scam. So we became friends, and that was okay with me, and with you. And it was all nice and comforting and I let myself trust you.
You would listen to me for hours, as we talked about everything and nothing. You learned why I wasn't willing to let anyone love me, and though you said you would never do that kind of a thing to me, I wasn't ready to trust you to test it out. I kept my walls intact even when I started remembering where I'd thrown the key. It was the only way to keep myself from falling in love.
But then something happened. I woke up three weeks ago and realised that I love you. And you said you love me, and you cannot promise we will be forever but you can promise not to hurt me. I believed you. I still didn't realize how I'd come to love you, how you came to find the key to my heart.
Now I know. You didn't find the key. You broke into my heart, and I let you. Just don't break my heart.
You figured it out quite soon. I said don't fall in love with me. I cannot fall in love with you. I won't. I'm too hurt, too damaged, too afraid to go through all of this once more. I'd decided love was just a scam. So we became friends, and that was okay with me, and with you. And it was all nice and comforting and I let myself trust you.
You would listen to me for hours, as we talked about everything and nothing. You learned why I wasn't willing to let anyone love me, and though you said you would never do that kind of a thing to me, I wasn't ready to trust you to test it out. I kept my walls intact even when I started remembering where I'd thrown the key. It was the only way to keep myself from falling in love.
But then something happened. I woke up three weeks ago and realised that I love you. And you said you love me, and you cannot promise we will be forever but you can promise not to hurt me. I believed you. I still didn't realize how I'd come to love you, how you came to find the key to my heart.
Now I know. You didn't find the key. You broke into my heart, and I let you. Just don't break my heart.
breaking
The sound of a heart breaking isn’t poetic. It is hollow. It is tragic. It calls for rituals – the denial, the shock, the anger, the disappointment, culminating in hopelessness. Just like a shrinking white star slowly collapsing inwardly, with memory drawn from every breath a blow. It’s like death without the sleeping part.
When I'm with you
Isn't it funny how there are certain places where the Muse just smacks you over the head with ideas? For me, that place is my warm and cozy bed, just before I fall into dreamland at night.
I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about you again
My heart fell asleep at the wheel and crashed head-first into you
You're all around me, all this rubble and wreckage
But out of the smoke, your face, it's still such a beautiful view
It's so easy to forget everything when I'm with you
And maybe being sensible is the last thing I want to do
Be who I am, that's what you said to me
I'm not ashamed to say I may have fallen in love with you then
You give me an answer before I even ask the question
'Cause when I'm with you, I feel it, that indescribable, beautiful, head-over-heels, impossible, my heart's racing, unstoppable, wonderful fantasy
I could leave and easily walk away
And maybe I should
If only I wasn't so sure
That every time you smile, with each word you say
It makes me want you even more
It's so easy to forget everything when I'm with you
And maybe being sensible is the last thing I want to do
Be who I am, that's what you said to me
I'm not ashamed to say I may have fallen in love with you then
You give me an answer before I even ask the question
'Cause when I'm with you, I feel it, that indescribable, beautiful, head-over-heels, impossible, my heart's racing, unstoppable, wonderful fantasy
So who cares if I'm sleeping?
Just let me live forever dreaming
I've never felt this way before
How is it that you make me feel so secure?
It's so easy to forget everything when I'm with you
And maybe being sensible is the last thing I want to do
Be who I am, that's what you said to me
I'm not ashamed to say I may have fallen in love with you then
You give me an answer before I even ask the question
'Cause when I'm with you, I feel it, that indescribable, beautiful, head-over-heels, impossible, my heart's racing, unstoppable, wonderful fantasy
It's so easy to forget everything when I'm with you
And maybe being sensible is the last thing I want to do
Be who I am, that's what you said to me
I'm not ashamed to say I may have fallen in love with you then
You give me an answer before I even ask the question
'Cause when I'm with you, I feel it, that indescribable, beautiful, head-over-heels, impossible, my heart's racing, unstoppable, wonderful fantasy
It's so easy to forget everything when I'm with you
That's why every time I close my eyes, I'll always see that beautiful view
I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about you again
My heart fell asleep at the wheel and crashed head-first into you
You're all around me, all this rubble and wreckage
But out of the smoke, your face, it's still such a beautiful view
It's so easy to forget everything when I'm with you
And maybe being sensible is the last thing I want to do
Be who I am, that's what you said to me
I'm not ashamed to say I may have fallen in love with you then
You give me an answer before I even ask the question
'Cause when I'm with you, I feel it, that indescribable, beautiful, head-over-heels, impossible, my heart's racing, unstoppable, wonderful fantasy
I could leave and easily walk away
And maybe I should
If only I wasn't so sure
That every time you smile, with each word you say
It makes me want you even more
It's so easy to forget everything when I'm with you
And maybe being sensible is the last thing I want to do
Be who I am, that's what you said to me
I'm not ashamed to say I may have fallen in love with you then
You give me an answer before I even ask the question
'Cause when I'm with you, I feel it, that indescribable, beautiful, head-over-heels, impossible, my heart's racing, unstoppable, wonderful fantasy
So who cares if I'm sleeping?
Just let me live forever dreaming
I've never felt this way before
How is it that you make me feel so secure?
It's so easy to forget everything when I'm with you
And maybe being sensible is the last thing I want to do
Be who I am, that's what you said to me
I'm not ashamed to say I may have fallen in love with you then
You give me an answer before I even ask the question
'Cause when I'm with you, I feel it, that indescribable, beautiful, head-over-heels, impossible, my heart's racing, unstoppable, wonderful fantasy
It's so easy to forget everything when I'm with you
And maybe being sensible is the last thing I want to do
Be who I am, that's what you said to me
I'm not ashamed to say I may have fallen in love with you then
You give me an answer before I even ask the question
'Cause when I'm with you, I feel it, that indescribable, beautiful, head-over-heels, impossible, my heart's racing, unstoppable, wonderful fantasy
It's so easy to forget everything when I'm with you
That's why every time I close my eyes, I'll always see that beautiful view
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Between every kiss
I love the
silence
that breif,
beautiful
silence
between
every kiss
- love haiku by tyler knott gregson
silence
that breif,
beautiful
silence
between
every kiss
- love haiku by tyler knott gregson
Say Goodbye
I can't believe I thought this time would be different
How many second chances have I wasted on you?
Just when I made my decision
You came galloping in with your hypnotizing half truths
I guess I should have listened to my heart the first time
When it told me how all this would end
Maybe then I wouldn't be sitting here alone
And cursing your name again
Ooooh, and we both know why...
'Cause in the morning light
Things don't feel so right
Funny how your lies really do shine a spotlight on the truth
You can say what you want, but I've heard it all before
And I can't bear to hear it anymore
After all this time, it turns out you're the only reason I ever needed
To say goodbye
I almost forget everything, with one look in those eyes
They always said everything I was feeling
Until you used them as a weapon against me
Thought I was truly happy for the first time
It's sad to know it was because of all your deceiving
'Cause in the morning light
Things don't feel so right
Funny how your lies really do shine a spotlight on the truth
You can say what you want, but I've heard it all before
And I can't bear to hear it anymore
After all this time, it turns out you're the only reason I ever needed
To say goodbye
You're a smooth talker
Is that how you got me to forget everything around me
And fall down the rabbit hole head-first into your beauty?
'Cause in the morning light
Things don't feel so right
Funny how your lies really do shine a spotlight on the truth
You can say what you want, but I've heard it all before
And I can't bear to hear it anymore
After all this time, it turns out you're the only reason I ever needed
To say goodbye
'Cause in the morning light
Things don't feel so right
Funny how your lies really do shine a spotlight on the truth
You can say what you want, but I've heard it all before
And I can't bear to hear it anymore
After all this time, it turns out you're the only reason I ever needed
To say goodbye
How many second chances have I wasted on you?
Just when I made my decision
You came galloping in with your hypnotizing half truths
I guess I should have listened to my heart the first time
When it told me how all this would end
Maybe then I wouldn't be sitting here alone
And cursing your name again
Ooooh, and we both know why...
'Cause in the morning light
Things don't feel so right
Funny how your lies really do shine a spotlight on the truth
You can say what you want, but I've heard it all before
And I can't bear to hear it anymore
After all this time, it turns out you're the only reason I ever needed
To say goodbye
I almost forget everything, with one look in those eyes
They always said everything I was feeling
Until you used them as a weapon against me
Thought I was truly happy for the first time
It's sad to know it was because of all your deceiving
'Cause in the morning light
Things don't feel so right
Funny how your lies really do shine a spotlight on the truth
You can say what you want, but I've heard it all before
And I can't bear to hear it anymore
After all this time, it turns out you're the only reason I ever needed
To say goodbye
You're a smooth talker
Is that how you got me to forget everything around me
And fall down the rabbit hole head-first into your beauty?
'Cause in the morning light
Things don't feel so right
Funny how your lies really do shine a spotlight on the truth
You can say what you want, but I've heard it all before
And I can't bear to hear it anymore
After all this time, it turns out you're the only reason I ever needed
To say goodbye
'Cause in the morning light
Things don't feel so right
Funny how your lies really do shine a spotlight on the truth
You can say what you want, but I've heard it all before
And I can't bear to hear it anymore
After all this time, it turns out you're the only reason I ever needed
To say goodbye
Sunday, October 18, 2009
your still here
i'll admit it,
i was lonely,
i needed you then,
i wanted you to help fill those gaps of solitude,
i had no one and you were there,
in the back of my mind,
i saw no future,
i just saw the present,
i was alone and you were there,
you fell in love,
i felt sorry for you,
so i stayed,
i know heartbreak,
wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy,
and still, i was alone but you were there,
wanted to love you so badly,
like the way i once did for him,
yet, those memories of heartache,
have numbed veins that once pumped love,
i hate that you're in love with me,
i hate that i can't be in love with you
i found someone else,
he's what i want,
i'm not alone but i still want him,
and he wants me,
just not as much as i want him,
he needs me for right now,
and i'll take that,
no future in mind,
i've fallen for him,
he revived my heart,
but instead of feeling light,
it feels heavy,
he doesn't love me,
i can't tell you of my infidelity,
it'll hurt you,
and i can't bare the guilt,
besides, i don't want to be lonely,
and, well...
you're still here
i was lonely,
i needed you then,
i wanted you to help fill those gaps of solitude,
i had no one and you were there,
in the back of my mind,
i saw no future,
i just saw the present,
i was alone and you were there,
you fell in love,
i felt sorry for you,
so i stayed,
i know heartbreak,
wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy,
and still, i was alone but you were there,
wanted to love you so badly,
like the way i once did for him,
yet, those memories of heartache,
have numbed veins that once pumped love,
i hate that you're in love with me,
i hate that i can't be in love with you
i found someone else,
he's what i want,
i'm not alone but i still want him,
and he wants me,
just not as much as i want him,
he needs me for right now,
and i'll take that,
no future in mind,
i've fallen for him,
he revived my heart,
but instead of feeling light,
it feels heavy,
he doesn't love me,
i can't tell you of my infidelity,
it'll hurt you,
and i can't bare the guilt,
besides, i don't want to be lonely,
and, well...
you're still here
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Who I'd Like To Meet
Who I'd like to meet:
I want to meet someone amazing.
No, it's not a big ask...
- someone who takes my breath away.
The only requirement.
But love never seems to come around my neck of the woods to often.
I guess, I'll just play the waiting game. ♥
I want to meet someone amazing.
No, it's not a big ask...
- someone who takes my breath away.
The only requirement.
But love never seems to come around my neck of the woods to often.
I guess, I'll just play the waiting game. ♥
Friday, October 16, 2009
People keep telling
"People keep telling me that I fall in love too easily- that I should protect my heart, that I shouldn’t wear my heart on my sleeve… I fall in love at least 20 times a day. I fall in love with the sky and the sun and the flowers and my children. I fall in love with smiles, with music on the radio and with french fries and Dr. Pepper. I fall in love with the sound of laughter, blue jeans, accents… Sometimes I fall in love with complete strangers, especially the ones holding hands and kissing in public. The ones who aren’t afraid to be in love with the idea of being in love either. I don’t mind the pain of unrequited love so much, because I think they’re wrong.
Love looks good on me."
Natalie Anne Erlanson
Love looks good on me."
Natalie Anne Erlanson
Falling out of love
I used to wait for you. Days would go by before I got a text or a hello, but I was so elated to finally hear from you that I ignored all the signs.
I forgot that I deserve better. I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift and adore me, worship me, love me completely, just as I loved you. But I'll never get that from you.
I'll never get the sweet note or that hug or the awkward hand holding. I'll never be able to hold you again, to kiss you and run my fingers along your collar bone; you're simply too cruel. I can't deal with the insensitivity and the cutting jokes. I can't deal with the degrading behavior you're so trapped in.
You're sorry? Well that's wonderful, but I don't want apologies. I want a change in behavior, a change in character, and I'm not going to ask that of you because I know you too well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try and change that. I'm accepting you as You, and moving on.
I'm falling out of love.
I forgot that I deserve better. I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift and adore me, worship me, love me completely, just as I loved you. But I'll never get that from you.
I'll never get the sweet note or that hug or the awkward hand holding. I'll never be able to hold you again, to kiss you and run my fingers along your collar bone; you're simply too cruel. I can't deal with the insensitivity and the cutting jokes. I can't deal with the degrading behavior you're so trapped in.
You're sorry? Well that's wonderful, but I don't want apologies. I want a change in behavior, a change in character, and I'm not going to ask that of you because I know you too well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try and change that. I'm accepting you as You, and moving on.
I'm falling out of love.
Trying to be perfect
so i’m trying pretty hard to be perfect. perhaps perfect is too strong; mindful, considerate, eager to please, call it what you will.
don’t text too much because it comes across as desperate. never send two texts in a row for the same reason. no facebook chat every time he logs on, ‘cause that’s desperate too, as is ‘Liking’ everything he posts, so don’t do that either. remember not to ask when we’re seeing each other next because nonchalance is key, right? don’t sound to eager when he suggests doing something in the future, remember, nonchalance. when you’re out with other people, don’t demand his attention, he’s not there just for you. and don’t make an issue of him making friends with new girls, that’s asking for trouble, you don’t want to look jealous and insecure. when he wants to go to sleep before you do, don’t latch onto him because you’ll seem weak, needy, intense.
all these crazy rules i’ve made up in my head so you don’t see past this facade. i’m not nonchalant, i over-think everything. i can be intense, and i’m definitely jealous at times. but in essence, at the crux of all this overanalysation; i am insanely in love with you. i just wish you knew how far away i am from nonchalance.
don’t text too much because it comes across as desperate. never send two texts in a row for the same reason. no facebook chat every time he logs on, ‘cause that’s desperate too, as is ‘Liking’ everything he posts, so don’t do that either. remember not to ask when we’re seeing each other next because nonchalance is key, right? don’t sound to eager when he suggests doing something in the future, remember, nonchalance. when you’re out with other people, don’t demand his attention, he’s not there just for you. and don’t make an issue of him making friends with new girls, that’s asking for trouble, you don’t want to look jealous and insecure. when he wants to go to sleep before you do, don’t latch onto him because you’ll seem weak, needy, intense.
all these crazy rules i’ve made up in my head so you don’t see past this facade. i’m not nonchalant, i over-think everything. i can be intense, and i’m definitely jealous at times. but in essence, at the crux of all this overanalysation; i am insanely in love with you. i just wish you knew how far away i am from nonchalance.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The Childhood Crush
“She likened it to a childhood crush.
Such strong almost obsessive feelings, but more - it had depth.
She felt attracted to everything about him.
The way he talked, the way he dressed, the words he used.
Yet he was filled with a deep knowledge of wise insights.
He always said the right things -
Even when she didn’t want to hear them.
The darkness lifted and she could suddenly see beyond.
When he breezed into the room -
He brought clarity and brightness with him.
He was walking hope and she could tell that things for her be…
not fantastic or wonderful or happily ever after...
But that they could be okay.
And that was enough.
— Cecelia Ahern
Such strong almost obsessive feelings, but more - it had depth.
She felt attracted to everything about him.
The way he talked, the way he dressed, the words he used.
Yet he was filled with a deep knowledge of wise insights.
He always said the right things -
Even when she didn’t want to hear them.
The darkness lifted and she could suddenly see beyond.
When he breezed into the room -
He brought clarity and brightness with him.
He was walking hope and she could tell that things for her be…
not fantastic or wonderful or happily ever after...
But that they could be okay.
And that was enough.
— Cecelia Ahern
When one falls in love..
When one falls in love...
They fall in with their eyes closed.
And listen to love songs with their eyes half open.
And that's okay.
Tell yourself it will be okay.
And no matter what, you tried your best.
No, buying $100 worth of flowers won't make things okay.
Sometimes, saying sorry doesn't matter.
And sometimes it never will.
And then, you'll take the long way home.
But to say you tried your best...
That's worth everything.
One day forever won't end.
One day our chance will come.
We are all a mess.
A beautiful and chaotic bundle of a mess.
And someday, someone won't care.
Because we fall in love with our eyes closed.
They will only care that we are theirs.
Their mess.
And that is priceless.
That is beautiful.
That is worth something.
That is worth everything.
They fall in with their eyes closed.
And listen to love songs with their eyes half open.
And that's okay.
Tell yourself it will be okay.
And no matter what, you tried your best.
No, buying $100 worth of flowers won't make things okay.
Sometimes, saying sorry doesn't matter.
And sometimes it never will.
And then, you'll take the long way home.
But to say you tried your best...
That's worth everything.
One day forever won't end.
One day our chance will come.
We are all a mess.
A beautiful and chaotic bundle of a mess.
And someday, someone won't care.
Because we fall in love with our eyes closed.
They will only care that we are theirs.
Their mess.
And that is priceless.
That is beautiful.
That is worth something.
That is worth everything.
I'll be right beside you dear.
I drink coola cordial like water and
I still never know what to say.
I still don't know how to get out of bed
half the time. It's not pretty,
or endearing. I whisper you secrets,
I am still looking to be saved,
sometimes I am so weak,
sometimes I am so strong,
here you go, I;ll give you every-thing
for one more chance.
My heart is ugly,
but it could be all yours.
I still never know what to say.
I still don't know how to get out of bed
half the time. It's not pretty,
or endearing. I whisper you secrets,
I am still looking to be saved,
sometimes I am so weak,
sometimes I am so strong,
here you go, I;ll give you every-thing
for one more chance.
My heart is ugly,
but it could be all yours.
Monday, October 12, 2009
light blaring on us
"I want to be a lost poem in a stranger's coat pocket, that conveys the importance of you.
To assure you of my desire, to assure you of dreams. I want all the possibilities of you in writing.
I want to give you your reflection, I want your eyes on me, I want to travel to the lightness with you and stay there, and I want everything before you...
...everything before you to follow us like a trail behind me.
I want never to say goodbye to you, even on the street corner or the phone.
I want, I want so much... I'm breathless.
I want to put my power into a poem to burn a hole in your pocket so I can sew it.
I want my words to scream through you. I want the poem not to mean that much.
And I want to contradict myself by accident, and for you to know what I mean.
I want you to be distant and for me to feel you close, I want endless days when it's day and... nighttime never to end when it's night.
I want all the seasons in one day. I want the sun to set before us and come up in front of us.
I want water up to our waists and to be drenched by the rain, up to our ankles with holes in our shoes.
...with holes in our shoes. I want to think your thoughts because they're mine.
I want only what's urgent with you.
I want to get in the way of the barriers and I want you to be a tough guy when you're supposed to,
like you do already.
...when you're supposed to. And I want you to be tender, like you do already.
And I want us to have met for a reason and I want that reason to be important.
And I want it to be bigger than us, I want it to take over us.
I want to forget. I want to remember us.
And when you say you love me I don't want to think you really mean New York City, and all the fun
we have in it.
And I want your smile always, and your grimaces too.
I want your scar on my lips, and I want your disappointments in my heart.
I want your strength in my soul and I want your soul in my eyes.
I want to believe everything you say, and I do.
And I want you to tell me what's best when I don't know.
And when you're lost I want to find you.
And when you're weary I want to give you steeples and cathedral thoughts and coliseum dreams.
I want to drag you from the darkness and kneel with you exhausted with the blinding light blaring on us... and..."
To assure you of my desire, to assure you of dreams. I want all the possibilities of you in writing.
I want to give you your reflection, I want your eyes on me, I want to travel to the lightness with you and stay there, and I want everything before you...
...everything before you to follow us like a trail behind me.
I want never to say goodbye to you, even on the street corner or the phone.
I want, I want so much... I'm breathless.
I want to put my power into a poem to burn a hole in your pocket so I can sew it.
I want my words to scream through you. I want the poem not to mean that much.
And I want to contradict myself by accident, and for you to know what I mean.
I want you to be distant and for me to feel you close, I want endless days when it's day and... nighttime never to end when it's night.
I want all the seasons in one day. I want the sun to set before us and come up in front of us.
I want water up to our waists and to be drenched by the rain, up to our ankles with holes in our shoes.
...with holes in our shoes. I want to think your thoughts because they're mine.
I want only what's urgent with you.
I want to get in the way of the barriers and I want you to be a tough guy when you're supposed to,
like you do already.
...when you're supposed to. And I want you to be tender, like you do already.
And I want us to have met for a reason and I want that reason to be important.
And I want it to be bigger than us, I want it to take over us.
I want to forget. I want to remember us.
And when you say you love me I don't want to think you really mean New York City, and all the fun
we have in it.
And I want your smile always, and your grimaces too.
I want your scar on my lips, and I want your disappointments in my heart.
I want your strength in my soul and I want your soul in my eyes.
I want to believe everything you say, and I do.
And I want you to tell me what's best when I don't know.
And when you're lost I want to find you.
And when you're weary I want to give you steeples and cathedral thoughts and coliseum dreams.
I want to drag you from the darkness and kneel with you exhausted with the blinding light blaring on us... and..."
Jackie & John
With all of the love that you post, I felt compelled to share my favorite love story - the following post to my personal blog which references an evening I spent with the man I love. He's typically opposed to any type of dancing, but on this particular [magical] evening he took my hand and led me to the middle of a crowded floor in a bar with no dance floor. We danced alone to the carefully selected music of the jukebox - the soundtrack of our lives together playing - and it was beautiful.
"As I sat in a crowded room full of strange faces,
soberly observing,
imagining the mysteries behind each set of unrecognizable eyes,
I turned to see this smile.
A sparkle in his eyes, his arms outstretched,
in an instant our bodies were contiguous
where, even over the thump, thump of the deafening beat,
our hearts rang strong against one another.
Tangled together,
we were a pendulum amongst battered barstools and broken tables.
Strangers' stories lay neglected and forgotten,
a heap of mystery in a cold dark corner.
For this is the only story that matters.
It is kept safe and warm between our beating hearts.
Eyes locked, we could not help but smile:
"This is Love."
"As I sat in a crowded room full of strange faces,
soberly observing,
imagining the mysteries behind each set of unrecognizable eyes,
I turned to see this smile.
A sparkle in his eyes, his arms outstretched,
in an instant our bodies were contiguous
where, even over the thump, thump of the deafening beat,
our hearts rang strong against one another.
Tangled together,
we were a pendulum amongst battered barstools and broken tables.
Strangers' stories lay neglected and forgotten,
a heap of mystery in a cold dark corner.
For this is the only story that matters.
It is kept safe and warm between our beating hearts.
Eyes locked, we could not help but smile:
"This is Love."
Of lovers & friends
you see, i never meant to feel like this
it wasnt planned til you became my first kiss
i hated you for so long, i thought you were an ass
but baby you talked to me, got to know me
and now this gut feeling wont pass
youre the unrequited love as they say
months passed, march, april may
im still in love.
it wasnt planned til you became my first kiss
i hated you for so long, i thought you were an ass
but baby you talked to me, got to know me
and now this gut feeling wont pass
youre the unrequited love as they say
months passed, march, april may
im still in love.
And so I wonder
He said he would be there for me,
He said he would never leave me,
No one knows how i feel deep inside,
No one was there when it happened in real life,
Some say I left for another guy,
Some say I left because I've had enough,
No...
I left because everything became different,
Him and i became different,
Our love is like a shattered glass now,
Our love could never grow again,
He moved on,
I couldn't,
He came back,
I came back,
He moved on,
I moved on..
I'm tired of crying for him,
Because I know he won't cry for me,
He blames me for everything,
He doesn't blame himself,
I keep it inside,
I carry with me all the burden too,
I don't want to look back anymore,
For I Don't want to cry over him again,
I don't want to fight back for him,
Because I know he won't hear me,
And he chooses to not hear me,
I moved on..
It's all been done,
I'm someone new now,
So don't come looking for me now, (well,to tell you the truth,he never did. never tried)
Live a life full of smiles and happiness,
Go out without telling anyone about it and feel blessed,
I thanked the lord for changing me into someone new,
Something worthwhile and got rid of all my blues,
He can keep everything,
I can keep the memories,
I ask for nothing,
Everything is done.
I did this when i was young. there's something about this that i could never forget of what happened. i hope you are reading this Keem Musdi. to know how much pain you've caused me and i to you. you and i both know the truth. there's no easy way to say sorry but to rather lie to ourselves and build up those hatred inside of the two of us.
And so i wonder if you do still think about me.
And so i wonder if you do still love me inside somewhere.
And so i wonder if there will ever be another chance for us to tie the knot and never let go.
And so i wonder.
And so i wonder.
I never got the chance to say thank you. I know I'll never be given the chance to apologize eventhough i've apologized millions of times (i assure you i can apologize a million more just for you. let me apologize. I don't want to carry this burden anymore). i don't think i'll ever have the chance to do so. wherever you are. i hope sooner or later maybe someday,everything will be okay again.
He said he would never leave me,
No one knows how i feel deep inside,
No one was there when it happened in real life,
Some say I left for another guy,
Some say I left because I've had enough,
No...
I left because everything became different,
Him and i became different,
Our love is like a shattered glass now,
Our love could never grow again,
He moved on,
I couldn't,
He came back,
I came back,
He moved on,
I moved on..
I'm tired of crying for him,
Because I know he won't cry for me,
He blames me for everything,
He doesn't blame himself,
I keep it inside,
I carry with me all the burden too,
I don't want to look back anymore,
For I Don't want to cry over him again,
I don't want to fight back for him,
Because I know he won't hear me,
And he chooses to not hear me,
I moved on..
It's all been done,
I'm someone new now,
So don't come looking for me now, (well,to tell you the truth,he never did. never tried)
Live a life full of smiles and happiness,
Go out without telling anyone about it and feel blessed,
I thanked the lord for changing me into someone new,
Something worthwhile and got rid of all my blues,
He can keep everything,
I can keep the memories,
I ask for nothing,
Everything is done.
I did this when i was young. there's something about this that i could never forget of what happened. i hope you are reading this Keem Musdi. to know how much pain you've caused me and i to you. you and i both know the truth. there's no easy way to say sorry but to rather lie to ourselves and build up those hatred inside of the two of us.
And so i wonder if you do still think about me.
And so i wonder if you do still love me inside somewhere.
And so i wonder if there will ever be another chance for us to tie the knot and never let go.
And so i wonder.
And so i wonder.
I never got the chance to say thank you. I know I'll never be given the chance to apologize eventhough i've apologized millions of times (i assure you i can apologize a million more just for you. let me apologize. I don't want to carry this burden anymore). i don't think i'll ever have the chance to do so. wherever you are. i hope sooner or later maybe someday,everything will be okay again.
Being together
I love being held. I love when I am in someones arms, and I know that they would do anything for me. yea, I know its selfish but that is what I love. I love waking up to someone and smiling and having them smile back. When you are cold, and you are sharing a blanket and you have their sweatshirt on. your hair is all a mess and your breath smells and you nuzzle up to their neck and they nuzzle you back and wrap their arms around you. and you smile. And fall right back asleep.
I love walking into a room and he smiles back at you, you work your way over, making googiley eyes just for fun until you reach him, and then he wraps you in a big hug and you say hi and act like you haven’t seen each other in ages. That is a great feeling.
The happy moments, the secret smiles. Going out with his family and saying something they don’t get, but he gives me that look that tells me he got it and he found it funny. Him telling me how beautiful I am in front of his family. Them looking at us and seeing how much we adore each other. The feeling of pride when his mom tells me she is happy her son has found someone so worth his love.
The tears after a big fight. And then him rushing over to dry them with kisses, not being able to sleep until he knows I am better.
The silent way people drift apart, the way the secret smiles fade. The fights end in crying with no one to hold you. the way your world seems to collapse, but you know this isn’t the way its supposed to be.
YELLING AT HIM TO FIX IT. even though you know you did more damage than he did.
After the break up, the feeling of betray as you look at another guy. Knowing you shouldn’t be looking, you don’t belong to them. knowing he still doesn’t look at anyone but you.
When you hang out, the way his eyes watch yours,the way they say sorry, the way you know he wants to kiss you and make all the pain go away. Trying your hardest not to cry because he refuses to become a couple together.
Being completely in love with him. and him with you.
Being best friends.
Him thinking he is not good enough, so he wants you to find someone that is.
You refusing to find someone else because you want him.
The complications. The tears. The heartache.
The feeling of love through it all.
I love walking into a room and he smiles back at you, you work your way over, making googiley eyes just for fun until you reach him, and then he wraps you in a big hug and you say hi and act like you haven’t seen each other in ages. That is a great feeling.
The happy moments, the secret smiles. Going out with his family and saying something they don’t get, but he gives me that look that tells me he got it and he found it funny. Him telling me how beautiful I am in front of his family. Them looking at us and seeing how much we adore each other. The feeling of pride when his mom tells me she is happy her son has found someone so worth his love.
The tears after a big fight. And then him rushing over to dry them with kisses, not being able to sleep until he knows I am better.
The silent way people drift apart, the way the secret smiles fade. The fights end in crying with no one to hold you. the way your world seems to collapse, but you know this isn’t the way its supposed to be.
YELLING AT HIM TO FIX IT. even though you know you did more damage than he did.
After the break up, the feeling of betray as you look at another guy. Knowing you shouldn’t be looking, you don’t belong to them. knowing he still doesn’t look at anyone but you.
When you hang out, the way his eyes watch yours,the way they say sorry, the way you know he wants to kiss you and make all the pain go away. Trying your hardest not to cry because he refuses to become a couple together.
Being completely in love with him. and him with you.
Being best friends.
Him thinking he is not good enough, so he wants you to find someone that is.
You refusing to find someone else because you want him.
The complications. The tears. The heartache.
The feeling of love through it all.
general
General
On the outside i'm ya average chick. Fifteen years old, going to school & trying to get a job. I'm single & not looking, waiting for him to find me. But, on the inside i can promise you won't find another girl like me in a lifetime. I'm not up myself, my personality is just rare. My family is nuts just like everyone else's, and recently it's gotten very small but the three kiddo's i live with now, i can't imagine life without them. I love all of my friends, they really deserve medals for the things they've gotten me through and how they have made me laugh but i keep esther and a few others close to my heart. I've got a plan for my life, & i intend to see it through til the day i die. I'm not perfect and i'm not always right i stuff up like everyone else and i already have many many times, but .. i'm not gonna quit. A lot of people rely on me and i refuse to let them down. That's it for now kids, peaaacccceeeeee ! xo
:D
On the outside i'm ya average chick. Fifteen years old, going to school & trying to get a job. I'm single & not looking, waiting for him to find me. But, on the inside i can promise you won't find another girl like me in a lifetime. I'm not up myself, my personality is just rare. My family is nuts just like everyone else's, and recently it's gotten very small but the three kiddo's i live with now, i can't imagine life without them. I love all of my friends, they really deserve medals for the things they've gotten me through and how they have made me laugh but i keep esther and a few others close to my heart. I've got a plan for my life, & i intend to see it through til the day i die. I'm not perfect and i'm not always right i stuff up like everyone else and i already have many many times, but .. i'm not gonna quit. A lot of people rely on me and i refuse to let them down. That's it for now kids, peaaacccceeeeee ! xo
:D
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